You know Rocky V, which is mentioned in this ad is not a bad movie. Yes it has some weird faults but I do enjoy it. I like the character of Tommy Gunn and how EVIL DON KING turns him away from Rocky. I dunno, I just like Rocky Balboa and his story. I should really watch those three Creed films. Rocky is a good series of films even if they get very silly like in part 4 when he stops the entirety of Communism and the Cold War. Rocky, you're the best! Uh, I would probably end up watching a movie version of Ikari Warriors even though I get the feeling they would not be good action movies. Anyway it's time to talk about another six NES games. So let's get to it!
You ever have a game that you liked until you REALLY got into it and played it and realized it is FLAWED AS SHIT. I remember getting Ice Climber for really cheap early on because the BLACK BOX GAMES ARE NOT AS RARE AS YOU LUNATIC COLLECTORS THINK. Not even in their HANGTAB BOXES. I am 100% certain that there are more copies of that stuff out there in random warehouses that are so big that no one has any idea whats even in them anymore. Just sitting there ready to be sold to COOLNESGUY1010 on Youtube who was born in like 2005 and wants to gatekeep people out of the NES fandom for liking woke games. I don't know what NES game could be considered woke but watch out for this guy. He's fierce and also very annoying. Anyway I liked Ice Climber until I played the NES bounty to beat it. Playing a few levels is fine but trying to beat it will make you hate this game. The controls are so fucking weird and shitty that just thinking about playing this game annoys me. I don't like it. The cool polar bear with sunglasses will always be awesome and iconic.
This is honestly how I like sports games, so simple that anyone can get into it. Again I'm still not very good at this game but I like to play it from time to time. I don't know whats about it but it hits my high standards for "A pretty good sports game that doesn't make me vomit from my asshole". The graphics are pretty good for the time and anyone can get the hang of if they put enough effort in. The music is pretty good too. Like there's not much else to say about this. I like when sports game are simple and I can actually get a point or two on them. Not much else to say about this game except it along with Blades of Steel are probably the only good game of CANADA'S HOLY SPORT HOCKEY. I can't think of any other good ones.
Oh man. Oh god. OH MAN. OH GOD. OH MAN. okay enough of a reference to an obscure movie I haven't even seen (but probably should as it looks weird and terrible) we finally hit the paydirt. the PAYDIRT OF SHIT. If you know me you know that I consider Ikari Warriors to be THE worst NES game of all time. This game also reminds me of early YouTube and it's in the weirdest way either. So you know there were like 9120 AGVN ripoffs and people just reviewing anything really so some random dude whos screen name escapes me right now started up something called Reviewing a Reviewer and he reviewed a guy named the Nintendo Rapist or the Gaming Rapist and yes he does mention how WHAT THE FUCK that whole concept was but it seemed he spent more time getting angry that the game this guy picked was Ikari Warriors. Like this was a game he loved in 1986 and was so offended that he spent like at least 5 minutes going on about the game choice. It was really fucking weird like incredibly weird. The reason it was weird was i've been talking about these stupid NES games since 1998 and he was the ONE person who ever said anything positive about this game. I hate this fucking game but I'm still weirdly glad it has a defender, I'm just never going to understand how ANYONE could consider this a good game (actually IGN somehow put it on its top 100 NES games so the game has two defenders I guess). Your character moves too fucking slow. My grandmother who passed away in 1960 could outrace these guys. Hell, my obese ass could outrace these two schmucks. So put in slow ass fucking guys and like 9000 guys trying to kill you, you just have a unpleasant and shitty time playing this game. Also you literally have to do some really stupid horse shit to actually get to the final level. Okay fine if you gotta do some crazy shit to get farther in a Zelda type game but FUCK that kinda shit in games like this. I just wanna shoot 10,000 fuckers trying to do something awful. It's just ugly, unpleasant to listen to, and I'm with the Nintendo Rapist and that's a sentence I did not expect to ever type.
This game is an improvement over the first game but that's not a hard thing to accomplish. This game has better graphics, better music, the character moves just a tad faster (still not fast enough to actually make it a good game). I mean the graphics are still bland and the levels are just gray as shit. The music is still not very memorable but it just doesn't hurt the eyes. The character does move faster but still not fast enough to get anywhere in the game without learning the SECRET which is just to strafe apparently. I mean that's what the person I talked to who beat the game said. I just don't want to play enough of this game to do so. I like that this game actually let you keep your weapons and even give you weapons more than one level but you'll get hit or trapped in some kind of stupid thing. You will be doing that ABBA code enough that your thumbs bleed. I just don't hate this game as much as I hate the original. It's still a worthless piece of shit that clogged up the NES library but I guess the NES had to have a little shit in it's flavor. I dunno, portnoyds the one who goes on about the NES' FLAVOR.
Ikari Warriors III is the best game in the franchise. Without a doubt, SNK dropped Micronics like THE LEAD TURD THEY ARE INTO A BIG MASSIVE SHITHOLE TO DIE ALONE and made this very okay video game. This game is honestly just kinda boring. It does everything you want in a game very completently. Nothing amazing. No really unique weapons or any wild level design. No urgent You gotta keep your ass moving stuff like Contra. Ikari Warriors III character finally moves fast enough and the graphics look good and the music again is fine but I don't see why you'd play this game when you could just reach for P.O.W Prisoners of War which is a way more fun game to play. I dunno I really don't enjoy this game very much. I'll put it in the OKAY games because unlike the first two games it works as a game and effort was clearly put into it. It's just why play this when you could play Guerilla War or P.O.W. or a billion other games. I'm pretty sure Ikari Warriors is the worst trilogy on the NES.
Image Fight is a okay enough game. It's a shoot em up or a SCHUMP or Shump of whatever the crazies who only play these games call them. SHCUMP. I dunno. I knew it before but those three attempts at remembering it do not work well. What's strange is this game is made by IREM who were a pretty good publisher/developer and I dunno this just doesn't seem like their best work. I dunno. This isn't awful but you have Gun Nac or Guardian Legend like 3 feet away from you and you should just play them instead, even if you have beaten them. I dunno. I just don't have anything to say about this game. It's like Ikari Warriors III, not poorly made or anything just not something that sets the world on fire. I wonder what PORTNOYD will say about this game. I hope it's a bit more than I said for it.
GOOD GAMES: 137
BAD GAMES: 108
OKAY GAMES: 39
GAMES IMPATIENT TO PLAY WHATEVER BLAH GO AWAY: 5
GAMES OVERALL: 289
Ok clawzy, I know I promised to use my one free WRONG token on Snow Bros, but I'm giving myself a second one. I have been respectful and not a JERK since you asked me to, but I gotta take a L on this one, my friend. I will not make it a habit and I do not foresee doing it again until or even after Snow Bros, unless you do something insane like say The Immortal is a good game.
ReplyDeleteRocky is a good and fun series but funny enough, I have never seen V. I have seen 1-4, Rocky Balboa (which is 6). I dunno, I kind of never got around to it. I also haven't seen the Creed movies but I like the concept of them and they feel right. They could have easy cut out Rocky and been fine with just going off ADOLPHO JUSTICE CREED or whatever the dumb name they gave Apollo's son, but they didn't and from what I've heard, it's a very good and fun continuation of Rocky's story while not taking away and actually adding to ADONIS'S (I looked it up, my name is better) story.
Yes, anyone who says a black box game is rare is a fucking idiot. The are FIRST PARTY GAMES made when THIRD PARTY GAMES were trickling out. Nintendo made a fuckton of these so people had games to play regardless of third party support. Thinking otherwise means you are a FOOL. "HERR DERR THE BOXES", yeah, sorry, that logic applies to every box. No box was intentionally thrown away or kept more than another.
You are also correct: there are pallettes of games still out there, waiting to be found in warehouses that time forgot. I suspect in 10 years, these batches of games will start to be found as the boomers who own the warehouses die and their kids have to deal with all this dust covered bullshit. Unfortunately, what will come of it is this: said kids will make a facebook post, then the vultures will start circling the carcass, the game media will latch onto it and make a clickbait article about it, vulture youtube shitheads like aforementioned COOLNESGUY1010 will make useless, infuriating videos about it and eventually, shitheads like Heritage Auctions will sell a batch of DEAD ASSHOLE'S WAREHOUSE COLLECTION COLLECTION that most of us won't even notice. It won't even register a blip on the price of the found games at all. The only way something positive for us would have come of it would be if the games were found 25 years ago when no one cared and we could buy one of each for $5 each and had nice copies of the games we could OPEN AND PLAY OURSELVES because the kids would just make dutch auctions that would languish for months because only we cared. I say this because this is literally what happened with stuff like the Caltron 6-in-1. The guy who I got my copy from on eBay was literally selling them for 5 years before he ran out. Yeah.
"You ever have a game that you liked until you REALLY got into it and played it and realized it is FLAWED AS SHIT."
YES. ME TOO. So I had this growing up, part of "my parents racing to bankruptcy" Christmas where I got my NES and the 2 dozen games with it. A lot of black box games and this was in it. I played it A LOT and it truly is flawed as shit. I still do like Ice Climber but I cannot protect it from criticism because everything you said about it is correct. All you need to say is "Try jumping". You'll either do a semi normal jump, or you'll do a horrible straight up jump with no horizontal movement whatsoever. That's what kills the game. Never end mind the weird momentum on running. The game is unique and a good and fun *idea* but needed some love on the controls part.
Ice Hockey is a solid game, no surprise coming from Nintendo. It'll always play second fiddle to Blades of Steel but it's genuinely a good take on it. The problem is two fold: The opponent CPU is a fucking asshole. Way too aggressive. And then there's *your* CPU players. They are retarded. They cough up the puck too easily and don't know how to play defense. However, if played 2 players, I bet it's a lot of fun. Also, a black box game not in a black box, oh look, no one cares about it. People are dumb.
ReplyDeleteOk here it comes.
YOU ARE QUITE WRONG THAT IKARI WARRIORS II IS AN IMPROVEMENT OVER IKARI WARRIORS I, NOR IS IT THE WORST NES GAME OF ALL TIME. IKARI WARRIORS II IS WORSE THAN IKARI WARRIORS I. WROOOOOOOOOONG.
The first one is shit. Don't get me wrong. It's a half ass attempt at a port of the game and it's sloppy and poorly made. But look at II. It looks even worse. Your WARRIORS sprite looks unfinished. It's slower and plays like crap. The voice samples are embarrassing for a system that doesn't do voice samples well (and lol the morse code on the attract screen). It has a pause menu and a life bar AND ONE FUCKING LIFE and it's all a disaster. Let's be clear: I isn't THAT much better, but Ikari II takes the crown and you are wrong if you think I is worse.
Plus, there is no way you can say Ikari I is the worst when X-MEN exists. I won't even mention that MUSCLE is worse than these three games.
Lol IGN put Ikari I in the top 100? Clickbait choice, no question. The flavor that BOTH of these games add is vomit and dogshit, but Ikari II's dogshit is diarrhea vs a firm turd from Ikari I.
Sorry, I took my shot and that's that.
Ikari Warriors III is much better than I and II. But I agree, P.O.W. is much more good and fun but III is a solid entry. I also love the cover art. The Ikari Warriors go from commandos from Predator to ROIDED OUT CRAZY PEOPLE. I will agree that it is probably the worst trilogy on the NES, solely because of I and II which are intense boat anchors for the series. I am jinxing it but I suspect that we will see IKARI WARRIORS IV soon because the corpse of our childhood needs more hard fucking.
Claw is a SHCUMP.
I will in fact say something interesting about Image Fight as I beat it for the bounty which was annoying because it was a play it twice situation like Ghost n Goblins. It's a very competent shooter with a large selection of powerups, options that are customizable and some cool looking bosses. It reminded me of a vertical R-Type but not nearly as hard. It doesn't look great or sound great but it's competent. Stuff like you mentioned like Gun Nac and TGL are miles ahead but this game is the best of the generation with games like Starship Hector in it.
I kinda like Starship Hector. Lol.
ReplyDeleteI could at least somehow beat X-Men, don't worry I'll drop a big old greasy AND foamy shit on that bitch when it comes up. it's also in the top five worst NES games.
Ikari Warriors II is bad but I still hate the first one more. Micronics is poop all around.
I like how you didn't even talk about the WEIRD YOUTUBER that called himself THE NINTENDO RAPIST and his character was a homeless weirdo who lived in a shed! You just had a ROCK HARD ERECTION that you could say I'm wrong over Ikari Warriors II. I dunno, I could at least play that one and get somewhere. I've never gotten past level 1 of Ikari Warriors I.
The fact Image Fight is a beat it twice game makes me just want to shit and piss allover myself instead of playing it. I mean if those were the two options I had available.
I have played Starship Hector a long time ago and it was just a very basic shooter. Like, no power ups at all. There is a time score mode but ok I guess. Just saying that Image Fight wins on presentation and options, but Hector isn't a bad game either.
DeleteI don't know how you beat X-Men, but then again, I don't know how I beat Hydlide. Stranger things have happened...
Wait, the Nintendo Rapist is a real person? I didn't talk about it because I figured it was a gag. Wtf, blow it all up and start over, holy shit.
I definitely had a hate boner for Ikari II over Ikari I. I played both back to back and II made me hate myself much more than I. The problem with I is there are only 4 levels so if you can beat the first, you are 25% through the game. I remember FM trying to beat it for the bounty with the utterly sadistic thing where continuing stops working on Level 4. That's just evil.
I will admit that on the second pass on the final stage of Image Fight, it was damn near impossible. The game unfortunately can hand you a shit sandwich if you die as far as power ups go and that level was a thick one. However, I wouldn't turn down the game as an option because of it, the game was solid.
Yeah that's what he called himself. It was not a joke. It was a real Youtube Show. Enough people yelled at him and he changed his name to something else. I'm amazed he even bothered to change his name and try again. I'd give it up and go get plastic surgery so i don't look like myself anymore.
DeleteX-Men is actually kind of amazing. Did you know I was like low on health or something or had one guy left so I just went past I dunno Juggernaut or Boomerang (why the fuck is he in an X-Men game?) and did not even fight them and somehow got the key and just went back to the beginning. the fact you had to walk back to the beginning might be the worst thing about that game. I mean besides somehow messing up with a fucking goldmine of a franchise to get. You could have easily made a fun NES x-men game.