This set of games may not be the most well reviewed because well I really want to get past the Letter H. Even though the Letter I is not much better. These are all not very good games and most of them are not even going to be very fun to talk about but someone has to review all the NES games and doing it alphabetically has shown some things, some letters just didn't past the mustard. Or whatever that saying is. I don't care if I got it wrong PINKY you can just go play HYDLIDE. Ya jerk.
The god damned fucking Nintendo Entertainment System along with just about every other console on it had way way way to many fucking spoirts games on them. It's way too many games even if you like sports. Are you really going to spend extra money to play a different basketball game in 1991 when you have Double Dribble? No, you really shouldn't. I have seriously gone on record as being a human being who never ever got sports. Okay, I get playing them. You get exercise and get to do something with people whos company you enjoy. That makes perfect fucking sense to me. WATCHING sports, any sports on TV is just the most boring fucking thing in the history of the world to me. I do not and will not get it. I'd rather sit down and watch Mama's Family, Everybody Loves Raymond, Charles in Charge and Monster By Mistake than watch a single sports event. I don't even care what one. I just do not get it and never will. As for Hoops. it fucking sucks. How many more of these fucking sports games do I have to talk about?
You see what I got to fucking work with when it comes to H games. I get the one nad only SLOT game for the NES. Yes slots were in other poker games but I don't remember playing them because you were playing the fun part of the game like poker or blackjack. Slots are literally the most boring way to gamble your money away and it does not get any less boring when it is brought to the NES. This is a pretty easy game to beat but it is also incredibly tedious. Yes I have beaten it. Yes I am like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons in that I have wasted my life. I can't even bring up the SAUCY AND DIRTY SECRET of the NES that most people don't know about. I mean most people as people my parents age or people who just grew out of Video games and didn't spend any amount of time trying ot beat Hot Slots. And no it wasn't to actually see the naked ladies, it was to have another game on my beaten list. I'm not that sad. I think the people who bought this game to get off are the second lowest wrung of perverts. The lowest group is clearly people who like Atari Porn. Anyway this game is not fun and sucks ass.
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I am one of the ten human beings to ever exist that enjoyed the motion picture Hudson Hawk. I think it's a fun lively movie. I mean I haven't seen it in like I dunno, twenty years? It's hard to remember when I saw it first. Anyway I don't care what you think of the movie this video game is worse than it by 1305249230490 percent. This is one of THE worst NES games ever. Your character controls so horribly. The graphics and sound are just thrown together rubbish. Some games made on the NES still look really damn good for what they had available to them. This is not one of them. Bruce Willis literally has a giant head for some damn reason. He's also very small. You have to deal with these AWFUL FUCKING CONTROLS while searching through THE SHITTIEST MAZES ON THE NES. You have to jump CAREFULLY or you will hit the alarm and make it impossible to get anywhere in. I somehow beat this game for the NES bounty and I think I took at least 15 years off my life by doing so. It's an awful game and I hate it. Never fucking playing Hudson Hawk, ever.
Do you love slow moving games where everything is firing at you and you only get a limited amount of weapons to use while the enemies who are always shooting at you? You don't! Then you won't enjoy this fucking game. The sub moves so fucking slowly and you have to dodge bombs and random ass walls that are popping out of the ocean?! I don't know I saw the movie once and I didn't really like it. Yeah. I didn't like The Hunt for Red October. CRUCIFY ME YOU SHITS. The graphics are honestly fine enough and the music is droning horse shit. The NES had some of THE BEST video game music ever. I don't care what BORING ZOOMER JERKS who talk on youtube say about the NES being overrated. THE NES IS BETTER THAN THE N64 AND GAMECUBE ZOOMERS HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT??? HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEL ABOUT THAT? Oh where were I? oh yeah Music on the NES could reach the HEIGHTS of Video game music and then it could be just droning hard to listen to bullshit like in this game. Fuck The Hunt for Red October.
I have some weird I dunno if I can call it nostaliga for it but it always reminds me of the final NES forum that actually had a sizable userbase. Back when the Internet was fun and not POLITICS POLITICS POLITICS melting like every fucking ones minds. It's amazing how politics have done that. Anyway I'm reminded of Play the NES because a Youtuber Game Reviewer Guy by the name of Armake21 (this is a nice way of saying AVGN ripoff #2940) would stick up for this game EVERY time it got mentioned. It was actually kind of amazing. If you wanted to say something to Armake21 you'd just have to talk about Hydlide. He would stick up for it by saying hte original game was very important for its time and not bad at all. I have never played the original Hydlide and I never will. Not because I hated Armake21 or anything but because I do not have 2830 years of life to get through all of the things I WANT to get through and not Hydlide on the Ultra CX-2 computer or whatever fucking computer it was originally made for. I don't know. I'm sure the original Hydlide was something different than the NES game however the NES game is terrible. You have to fiddle around in the most obnoxious ways to somehow beat a single enemy. The music is terrible. It's also one of those RPGs that if you care enough to beat you can probably beat it in like 35 minutes to an hour. That's pathetic for an RPG. Hydlide was apparently made in 1984 and then redone for the Famicom in 1986 and in 1989 they ported it to the NES and holy shit this game was SO fucking dated by 1989. I don't even know if it was ever good and Armake BLESS HIS SOUL was just crazy nostalgic for it or something. I don't know and I don't care. Hydlide sucks and the letter H is over.
I love one thing about this game and its how easy you could put a NES game out and make money. This game is a match game where you find the matching image under a number. This is not a full game but Game Tek put it out as one. Seriously all three Fisher Price games made into one game would seriously not be enough to classify as a game. Yet they were all sold as 3 games. It's amazing. Anyway this game is fucking boring because I'm not 5 fucking years old anymore. This is all I have to say about I Can Remember and if you want more you can go fuck yourself. Bitch.
GOOD GAMES: 136
BAD GAMES: 105
OKAY GAMES: 37
IMPATIENT GAMES WHATEVER WHO CARES?: 5
GAMES OVERALL: 283
Clawzy, you have to talk about at least a couple dozen. 750+ games and sports is like 10%. That's 75 games. My condolences.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, Hoops does suck. I beat it for the bounty. I remember it required massive amount of cheesing the computer and grinding through a tournament or something. It was bad. Not like, top 10 bad but certainly bad.
I can't watch sports either. I tried. I really did. Even Canadian national sport, hockey. Do you know how worthless you have to be to watch 82 games a year of the same team playing the same game? Very worthless. I could barely do like a dozen a year and then I said fuck it, I am spending my time doing literally anything else.
The sad thing is there were actually good slots games for the Famicom. Puzzslot is pretty fun. Hot Slots is not, regardless of tits. Slots are for old people because I guess they don't have to move at all to gamble, especially now. They just hit a button. I don't get it.
I tried watching Hudson Hawk. It's goofy shit and I tolerated Police Academy 7. The game is hot ass and I don't know how you beat it. We should have called in a wellness check when you did. I agree, your body is aged 55 now because you beat this hot mess of a game.
Sorry claw, Red October the movie is actually really excellent. Connery is wonderful in it and you get Alec Baldwin before he decided he didn't have a neck anymore. The game is... ok I guess. I tried playing it for the bounty and it was too hard, the controls are asshole but it had potential.
I rented Hydlide back in the day and I didn't get it so it went back quickly. I beat this thing in college. I played it sometime in the past 15 years and could not get anywhere. Don't ask me why. Anyway, the shit bump combat and the lone music track that is FOUR SECONDS LONG and looped forever is torture. There is a good game in here if they actually decided to fucking update it but they didn't so it's outdated ass.
Lol Ultra CX-2 computer. That made me chortle.
I still don't know what possessed them to sell such basic games for $50 in 1988 dollars. That's like $150 now or something. That's insanity. Did they do focus groups who said WHY YES I WOULD LOVE TEACHING GAMES FOR MY TWO YEAR OLD WHO CAN'T HOLD A CONTROLLER! I dunno, that whole era was weird and only trumped by the 2600 era which was even weirder.
Hang in there clawzy, tbh, most of the Is and Js aren't the best either, you're not really going to see relief until you hit the Ks if I'm being honest.
the Js at least have some stuff I like a good amount. Not the best letter but I like the look it better than H or I.
ReplyDeleteHudson Hawk is waaaaaaaaaaay better than Police Academy 7. I like goofy. and Danny Aiello. The game is just so bad and I really don't know how I could have beaten it.
I might rewatch Red October but the game is not okay. I mean it could have been good but they just put too much poop in the game.
I don't know how you or anyone beat Hydlide. I do like that it has its defenders. Everyone loves something that just isn't very good in this world and I think that's kinda beautiful.
I can Remember is not worth $5 let alone $50.
Hot Slots really is the worst Panesian game. Bubble Bath Babes and Poke Her in the Rear Poker (i forget its actual name) are not great but they are definetly better than the others.
I weirdly kinda respect hardcore Sports fan who really get into it. It's just something I never got. I'd just rather be doing anything else instead of watch Hockey.
I can't argue with that, Police Academy 7 is really awful but something about Hudson Hawk did not work. I think it's the way it's directed, like it's trying to be a cartoon.
DeleteRed October is good and fun, I highly recommend it even if it's not your speed of movie.
I don't remember how I beat Hydlide. The bump combat is impossible. I think it was a brute force "being 20 years old with nothing to do" thing.
Peek A Boo Poker, lol.