It's time for yet another review of Darkhawk. I'm pretty sure in the last review I said that I would get to this issue in like June of 2024. Which did not happen. It did not happen in June 2025 either. I don't know why I just randomly quit on this blog and then come back to it. I really do enjoy this and I really do not enjoy anything else on the internet these days yet I'll watch shitty YouTube videos that might have been made by AI and spend time on Twitter, the cesspool's cesspool. Anyway, In an attempt to finish up the things I've started I bring you yet another review of Darkhawk. We only have like........40 something more issues to go. Portnoyd will be screaming about it but he can eat my ballsac, I like Darkhawk.
This issue brings in the Punisher. In the late 1980s to mid 1990s if your comic had trouble starting or making sure to keep readers Marvel Comics would shove in The Punisher or Wolverine into the comic. It was to show that THESE COMICS WERE SERIOUS and NOT YOUR DADDY'S COMICS. It just makes any person who takes continuity too seriously really angry. I do not think the Punisher or Wolverine could be in all those places in all those times. Anyway, I don't mind. I like the Punisher. He's like Charles Bronson in the Marvel Universe. Charles Bronson rules.
So Charles Bronson is getting ready to shoot some no good thug bastards, however he is a target himself! By SAVAGE STEEL. We last saw him in issue #4. He's a group of cops who are well corrupt and money hungry and also still hate CRIME. They take turns being the man inside the SAVAGE STEEL armor. Yes, he's an armored guy. Armor guys were big in the 1990s. Pouches and armors. And Charles Punshier. That's what I'm going to call the Punisher from now on. Just to confuse and annoy everyone! I need to realize that not everyone is obsessed with the past as I am and even know who Charles Bronson is but who cares I do what I want.
We then head to the next scene which is in the hospital. Darkhawk's friend Steve also known as Headset because he's like a hacker or something? I like that I have forgotten the issues I read years ago because I review this series so badly. I am not good at blogging but I still do it because I can and because it annoys jerknoyd. Anyway he was hurt in issue 7. He's now in the hospital and they are getting ready to leave. Also Darkhawk's girlfriend last name is Colon. Lol poop comes out of those. lol I am six years old today.
They go to the Mall and end up crossing paths with Charles Punisher and Savage Steel. Chris tells Cheryl Poopy to leave and he'll get the police. Of course he's actually getting ready to change into DARKHAWK. I like how grumpy Charles Punisher is having to work with Darkhawk. He calls him a beginner and when Darkhawk notices all the guys after Charles Punisher he says we have to work together weither we like it or not. Charles Punisher goes I DONT. Charles Punisher is a huge grump and I love it. Darkhawk is like my DARKFORCE BLASTS can stop them without killing them and Charles Punisher was like RIGHT PAL and goes back to shooting the criminals in the face. I love the back and forth between these two guys.
Darkhawk is hurt and can't fight so SAVAGE STEEL pops up to cause an even bigger ruckus and actually teams up with Charles Punisher. Well Charles Punisher just pretends to team up with him. They literally kill all the remaining bad guys in like five seconds. of course before Charles Punisher can turn around and do something to SAVAGE STEEL. SAVAGE STEEL just starts shooting lasers at him. Armors are cool. Lasers are awesome. Port probably hates both. The jerk.
Darkhawk is hurt and trying to help Charles Punisher by shooting a line with a hook on it to keep Savage Steel from shooting Charles Punisher. Bad move, Darkhawk because Savage Steel just tosses him down on the first floor. We then change scenes to some kind of Diner that smells like bourbon and sadness (this is what I imagine portnoyd's game room smells like) where Darkhawk's mom Grace is yelling at a private eye that the information he got is SHIT and she wants better information about where her husband is. the Private Eye is like this Bazin guy is after you and you have no body guard so YOUR the stupid one.... and yeah I think he's right. She leaves and then a MYSTERIOUS MAN gets up and says OMINOUS THINGS.
Oh, apparently while throwing Darkhawk off the balcony he also BLEW UP HIS FUCKING HAND. Holy shit Darkhawk is getting his ass all beat. He's gonna have the most bruises for an asshole in the Guinness Book of World Records. Is that even a record? do they even still make those books? All he has to do is change back to Chris Powell and well all injuries fixed. That's kinda lame but also you can't just have him be handless. Anyway he turns back into Darkhawk and yells at SAVAGE STEEL. They have a fight and Savage Steel's armor is busted and Charles Punisher tries to shoot him but Darkhawk gets in the way. He tries to move over to the side so he can shoot Savage Steel, however Darkhawk sees this move and Charles Punisher's attempt to kill Savage Steel just knocks he and Darkhawk on their asses. More bruises for Darkhawk. I guess new ones now.
The Cops come, Savage Steel causes a diversion and just escapes. Charles Punisher then escapes. Darkhawk is let go because of the gut feeling of one cop. I mean the gut feeling was right but still! Probably should have tried to take him in! Anyway he and Cheryl Poopy Farts Colon hug and kiss again. I don't think I could date someone with the last name Colon without making too many jokes. I seriously have to believe that someone edited that page on the Marvel wikia because no one remembers Darkhawk's girlfriend not even me #1 Darkhawk Fan of all of Newfoundland and probably Canada......and maybe even the world. Anyway it turns out the ominous man who's talking to the private eye....................IS DARKHAWK'S DAD! Now that's a way to end this issue. The sub plot that's going on for the last 9 issues is finally coming to an end. The next review will be of a SIX PART DARKHAWK STORY. One I remember thinking was pretty radical. I think we should bring the word radical back.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This was a pretty fun issue. I enjoyed the interactions between Charles Punisher and Darkhawk. I like Savage Steel's design and I think the idea of it could be a different guy behind the suit to be an interesting one. I had fun and now I get to let portnoyd have fun by pooping on my fun.
I am incredibly impressed this isn't just FUCK YOU PORTNOYD copy pasted 600 times. Also, Darkhawk sucks.
ReplyDeleteIs Wolverine the most special guested/crossed over character of all time? It's pretty much a running gag to roll him out to boost sales. The Punisher comes in as a close second, especially in the 90s.
Armor was the copout for the more "domestic" super heroes. Like, who gives a shit about armor if you're Silver Surfer, but if you're NIGHT THRASHER, you need all the armor to seem stronger and less like a guy who hits people with sticks. Pouches were for those same kind of characters but only if they consistently use guns.
I kinda don't get the logistics of the Punisher. Yes, he's a VIGILANTE and he shoots LOTS OF GUNS and he's ABOVE THE LAW but he's also just a guy with guns. Talk about needing a suit of armor. I don't get how he doesn't just get shot every issue. He's also jacked, which doesn't exactly inspire agility. It's probably just the logo.
I just read you accusing me of hating ARMOR and LASERS. Well, you're slightly correct about armor I guess based on the above, but LASERS are AWESOME. JERK.
HEY JERK, THATS WHAT YOUR FEET SMELL LIKE WHICH YOU LOVE SO MUCH
Darkhawk gets his ass beat constantly because he is a terrible super hero. If he sucked less, he might not get killed.
DARKHAWK IS COOL, JERK.
ReplyDeleteThe Punisher really should have been arrested and or killed like 9,000 times during his fights that involve superheroes. Dude really was just a guy with a gun.
ReplyDelete