Reviewing Every NES Game Because I Can #25: Some more C games. Woo.

 

Well it's time to bring this back. I don't know why I quit doing these. They are the simplest things ever. Just write a paragraph about NES games. I've played so many of these games to death. I know what I think about just about all of them and I don't even need to revisit most of them. Still I stopped doing these for two years or so. Anyway it's time for us to get into our 25th part on doing mini reviews for every NES game. We do six games at a time and we will probably end this series of blog posts around the time of the heat death of the universe. 

This game is somewhere in the middle of "hey this is a simple stragety game even your dumb ass could enjoy claw" and one of those games i lovingly call "rice sims that I have no fucking clue what to do at all and cry and scream and curl up in a ball and hope my mom comes in and turns the g ame off and makes me feel better. I can't even eat rice anymore because of those games" This game doesn't have to many things for you to pick and choose but they have enough that I do not want to play it. That's it. That's my review. Now fuck off. I'll write lengthy paragraphs about other stuff. 

This is a game I know portnoyd violently masturbates too and I'm not trying to ruin his weird little kink or anything BUT I'm uh not a fan. I mean it's clearly not a bad game in any way it's just very fine. Just fine. It won't ruin your life but I just don't really like it. I think my biggest problem is the controls are just stiff enough that jumping is annoying and hard. Had they fixed that this game would be much better. I mean you get a dog (that I don't know how to play as but want too) and all kinds of different weapons. Thought and care did go into this game, I'm just like FUCK I FELL INT OTHE FUCKING PIT BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO MAKE THAT DUMB SHIT ASS JUMP. Just one thing keeps this game from being cool and good. Oh well. Time for portnoyd to yell at me and go NO THIS GAME IS COOL AND IM COOL AND YOU CAN EAT POOP.

                                                                                          

When I was a kid I would go over to my aunt and uncles house. I would always end up playing with my cousins Super Nintendo. He had Contra 3. It was the first Contra game I had ever played and it's still amazing to this day. I have not beaten it becaues to get a true ending in a SNES Konami game you literally have to shove a foot up your ass, dance, yodel four songs at once, put your hand in your mouth while still having the songs come out clear, and hand stand with the other hand. What I'm saying is Konami on the SNES was hard as fucking hell to beat a game. Anyway I loved that game and still wish to beat it one day, even if it means learning how to yodel.  Anyway, I would not get to play Contra or Super C until I got them during my NES collecting. I got Super C first and I had a ball with it. Very good game. Contra I could only play on emulation for the LONGEST time and I didn't like it all that much. I could only get to the second stage in it. I kept hearing everyone go on and on about how it's the most amazing game ever and I'm like FELLAS SUPER C IS RIGHT THERE. IT'S BETTER. I admittedly finally got a copy of the game for real and was actually able to beat stage two and see that yes this game really does deserve all the praise it gets. It's an incredible game. I even like the overhead stages now. I still think Super C is better. So enjoy that hot take. ENJOY IT.

                                                                                   

I kinda honest to God enjoy Contra Force. Yeah it's bit of a rough game but once you get used to how the game works and feels you'll enjoy. I guess I just like janky ass games. Anyway this game is weird because it';s onlt Contra in name only. It was like Arc Hound or some shit like that. You get four characters and you'll have to change between each of them to get used to this game's INCREDIBLE slow down. I don't even know how it slows down so much because what this game is doing isn't as amazing as what other games pulled off during the NES' end age. Anyway this is the time of the review where I bitch and moan about people pushing prices of every stupid piece of nerd garbage ever up to unobtainable for most people. I don't have a cushy YouTube job where I just do dumb shit and people somehow watch it.  Then get money from YouTube (and more money from those people who watch it on Patreon) I would watch these people because I would not be able to find stuff around here and I just want to own some dumb nerd garbage but not have to kidnap people and take their kidneys for sale. This game goes for $130 and I'll tell you as one of the four human beings who ever enjoyed playing this game it is not worth that. It is worth maybe $30 and I'll do that because it's a late era NES game. I do not believe any of these games were as rare as the people say. Anyway, Contra Force is pretty alright. I like it at least.

                                                                                  

This is one of the absolute worst NES games ever. Not a single fucking thing works in this game. The game looks garish, ugly, and so gross. I hate looking at it. Getting anywhere in this game is a pain in the ass. You have to go around and find what place will bring you were. Sometimes you just get stuck and can't jump. That mostly seems to happen in the highway stage, which is if I recall correctly (because I am never playing this game again so I am going on memory) that isn't a maze level. I don't completely hate maze levels if they feel like they were well put together and they were not put together well here. I would play through about 10 LJN games before I would play this game again. Ocean is terrible and I hate them. Worst part of Britain ever.

First off, this box art is hilarious. It literally looks like the box to a interracial gay porno film. Like that Cowboy is gonna have him some Native fun. and by fun I mean gay sex. I know portnoyd does not like this game very much but I do. It's like one of those Legend of the Mystical Ninja/Goemon games except in the Wild Wild Wild Wild Wickety Wild WEST. You have to go to one area to open something else and getting things like keys by hitting and killing enemies. You can also buy food and upgrade weapons. It's a simple fun little game. THE biggest flaw is that uh, you will get stuck on things. A lot. You will need to know where tou move and get used to that. Portnoyd never could because he's a bum A CRUMB BUM. Anyway even he can't deny how gayily hilarious the cover is.

Another six NES games down. We have to keep going because I want to talk about them all. I want to never want to talk about NES ever again. I want to just be able to go READ MY BLOG SO YOU CAN KNOW HOW I THINK ABOUT GHOUL SCHOOL YA JERK. So yeah. Woo.

Good Games: 64

Bad Games: 58

OK Games: 17