More Live Action Disney Remake Shit Part 4 of whatever fuck shit why did I do this?

 

I didn't want to pick any images actually related to the Live Action Remakes so I picked an image of DISNEY from a BETTER TIME. A time of RESCUE RANGERS. A TIME OF BRONSON PINCHOT. A time when love was free. A TIME WHEN WE WERE ALL JOYOUS AND HAPPY. So of course I picked this copy of DISNEY ADVENTURES. I would like to collect DISNEY ADVENTURES because they were so cool. So many of the early issues had such great covers to pick from. Anyway, it's time for us to talk about the final four (at least for now, and I mean for like AT LEAST months) movies on the list. So let's DO THE DANCE OF JOY and talk about SOME HOT GARBAGE.

 So, a few years ago. I think two and a half years ago now IMAGE COMICS created a offshoot called SKYBOUND so they could publish TRANSFORMERS. I was at least somewhat excited because hey I like Transformers! Then I saw Starscream murdering someone violently. I found it distasteful, not because of the murder because I've seen that in who knows how many stories. I just found it distasteful because it's trying to make something that was for children into something for adults in the most uncreative way. I feel the same way about the Starscream becoming a MUDERFORMER that I do about most of these movies. No there is no murder in any of these films but they try to make them SERIOUS AND FOR ADULTS. It's like you couldn't think of a single creative way to make a whimsical film that adults might enjoy? NOPE. SERIOUS TIME. ITS FOR ADULTS SO SERIOUS TIME. I just found this whole affair to be dreadful. All the same problems I had with every other one of these, how the original voice actors were better, or how THEY SUCK ALL OF THE GOD DAMN COLOR OUT OF A MOVIE THAT WAS ORIGINALLY A BRIGHT COLORFUL THING AND GIVE YOU THIS DRAB FUCKING HORSE SHIT.  I could seriously xerox the rest of the reviews because I doubt the rest of these movies will be any good. This was done by the guy who did Pete's Dragon, which was one of the few of these movies I've seen people praise and I am now not really looking forward to seeing that. Also what's really weird is that sometimes this movie just randomly decides to actually be fun and whimiscal and it ENDS UP FEELING OUT OF PLACE. This movie sucks ass and I hate it.

 

 There have been a good number of female led action films made in the last few years. I mean they've been doing it since the B-MOVIE DAYS OF ROGER CORMAN but these days they have big budgets and conservative youtube dickholes like Nerdrotic yell about how a woman can't beat up a man or something. I don't care about that for the most part becuase well, I love old action flicks with STEVEN SEAGULL and CHUCK NORRIS in them and they were able to do all kinds of shit a normal dude couldn't. I see no reason why LADIES can't have some GOOFY POWER FANTASY BULLSHIT to enjoy if they want too. Stuff like Captain Marvel or Atomic Blonde. The problem with this movie is that while CHUCK NORRIS and STEVEN SEAGULL and all of the lady characters did crazy shit they also got knocked down a couple of times. They were put into danger. Mulan is literally the strongest character ever filmed in this movie. She gets knocked down ONCE and it's only literally because they needed her to meet the BORING NEW BAD GUY LADY who ends up giving her life up for Mulan in the WORST REDEMPTION STORY EVER. Seriously I have not seen a movie blow so much smoke up a characters asshole EVER. Mulan cannot be stopped and is PERFECT AT EVERYTHING. There's also the fact that this is a movie full of THE PEOPLE OF CHINA and they don't get JAMES HONG in there somewhere. SERIOUSLY how the FUCK could you NOT have that happen? It feels incomplete when a ASIAN MOVIE has NO JAMES HONG. I feel disgusting having watched this. Oh and all of the same complaints I had from every other review of these TERRIBLE SHIT MOVIES is here too. Even if this movie was perfection it would still have a INSANE BLACK MARK on it. See parts of this movie were uh, filmed at A CONCENTRATION CAMP. That' just blows the SHIT out of my mind. Like what the fuck were you thinking? Build a god damn set somewhere in China or America and film those fucking scenes there. Jesus fucking CHRIST Disney! Anyway this movie is dreadful and depressing and I feel sad about that because the animated Mulan was pretty awesome and very enjoyable. Oh well.

 Man the Tim Burton of the 20th Century would be very disappointed in the Tim Burton of the 21st Century. I still don't believe he directed this. Anyone could have directed this. It has none of what ANY of the other of his movies have. All of these movies literally feel like they were directed by a robot that was given no personality. You know directors do things they like to see in movies and none of that comes out in about any of these movies. It's kind of amazing actually. So I think you can already tell that I do not like this movie. It's mostly pretty bad and lacks all of the charm and personality the original movie had, regardless of some elements that people may have dated the movie (I mean it was 1941 when it was made and you gotta realize that was not yesterday and that so many things we do today would have caused a person from 1941 to think of us as a witch or warlock of some kind). I really don't remember the 1941 movie very well but I am sure as shit that I did see it sometime as a child. I'm sure its a better film than this. This has BORED TO BE ACTING Colin Ferrell in it and his daughter who is a child but might be the worst child actor I've seen maybe ever. This movie gets a higher grade than the rest of them (sans Jungle Book and Cruella) at a ONE WHOLE STAR because of Danny DeVito and Michael Keaton. I will always be happy to see them show up in a movie. Danny DeVito plays the guy who runs a circus no one wants to see and by chance finds DUMBO when he buys his mom. Michael Keaton plays the bad guy who wants to use Dumbo just to make SO MUCH MONEY and then probably cut him up into ELEPHANT STEAKS or whatever fucking CRAZY MILLIONAIRE ASSHOLES want him to do. Also this apparently takes place in 1919 but really does not feel like that. It's a shame too that could have lead to interesting things to see in a movie but CAN'T HAVE THAT WITH THESE LIVE ACTION SERIOUS DISNEY MOVIES. Another thing is that Michael Keaton starts as a nice enough guy and turns literally into a monstrous hobgoblin in like 3 scenes. I get the feeling stuff was cut that made that transition easier. One thing I found hilarious was Alan Arkin. His scenes have this weird feeling to them. It's like Alan Arkin just popped into the set one day and refused to leave and he plays his BANK MANAGER character like that. I like to think that's what he did near the end of his life. Just messing with people because he was a HOLLYWOOD LEGEND at that point. Just being like no im in this movie now. tell everyone. I will fart around and act really weird and old. It's kind of amazing. Also I loved how they messed up what I like to call GETTING THE GANG TOGETHER scene. Colin Ferrel is like WHO WANTS TO HELP ME SAVE DUMBO AND HIS MOM and everyone just smirks a bit. Like you want to see everyone excited as shit in a scene like that. It's kind of amazing. Anyway this movie is terrible, but if you are really bored you could watch like a youtube cut of all the scenes that Danny DeVito or Michael Keaton had. I would recommend watching that cut.

 You know I kinda wished I had liked this more. It has BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD who I think is very pretty and it's always fun to see ROBERT REDFORD do his thing. The biggest problem is that this feels like a first draft of a script. It has ideas and characters but it just doesn't feel like it comes to a whole movie you know. It's a shame too. the character of Pete is weird. He should be feral because he' was out in the wild for six years, left after his parents had a car crash when he was like four or five but he can speak pretty well and everything. They also try to make him come off as stupid by not knowing what balloons or sandwiches are and if you can remember how to speak you'd remember that stuff too. Also the bad guy of the picture is very underdeveloped too. It's a shame really because there's some actual genuine heart and even some sincerity with the story. It's just needed another go or two when it came to the script. Even though I'm not going to give it a passing grade I was still with this movie for the most part. It's like effort was made but I wish there was more effort put into it. You could have had something really great here. They had a new plot and everything. It wasn't the original movied chewed up and spit right into your face. It's just I felt there were too many problems to give it any more than two stars. Which I feel is the right amount for a movie where you could tell effort was put into it but you didn't really like it. Oh well, I still have the original, which I am one of like five people who like it. 

 

I am done with these movies now. There are a few more left but I just do not want to talk about them for at least a few months. Maybe even more. Maybe I won't even talk about them becuase I'm off doing something better, who knows. All I know is that I probably won't talk about DISNEY for a little while as the majority of these movies were depressing and dreadful.