ClawX Vs the Live Action Disney Remakes Part II

 

So, expect a bunch of these in a row because I want them out of the way. I think I will start each post with a Disney character in animation. So this is the introduction paragraph and you can already tell by the title that I am reviewing the not very well liked Disney Live Action Remakes. Four of them at a time, so let's get to these four.

 I do not remember 1991 Beauty and the Beast very well. Again, I have not seen it in 30+ years. I don't even remember watching it as much as say Aladdin or The Little Mermaid. However it HAS to be better than this. This was such a huge load of shit masquerading as a motion picture. First off it has Josh Gad in it. JOSH GAD IS BAD. The fact that he's going to be in Spaceballs 2 is something that is crushing my soul a little bit. Do you know how badly I wanted a Spaceballs 2 as a child. Very, very, very badly and now we get it next year, but with TERRIBLY UNFUNNY JOSH GAD in it. Secondly all the old songs are done not very well and all the new songs are HOT HORSE SHIT. I do not even remember them and I just watched this hunk of shit. The voice acting is terrible, everyone seems to just not caring all that much. The worst part of it all is that the shove another 30 minutes onto this story that was told in 80 minutes. That's unnecessary as hell. That shit just ruins the flow of the movie and everything new about this movie was COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND WASN'T DONE VERY WELL.  This movie is incredibly boring and just not worth watching in any way. I hope the rest of these are not as bad as this one. Jesus fuckin' Christ.

 If Beauty and the Beast was a soggy shit sandwich, this is a less soggy shit sandwich. I did not enjoy this movie but it did not make me angry like the Beauty and the Beast did. This one had some WILD controversy because a black girl played a mermaid. She does fine enough. I guess. I just don't care because the core of the concept is just hollow. You do realize that they are doing all of these remakes because of streaming. Back in the VHS days and even back further they would re-release movies and you'd be like OH MY GOD PINOCCHIO IS BACK IN THEATRE. GET THE KIDS. GET GRANDMA. GET GRANDPA AND EVEN BRING OUR DOG MILLY. EVEYONES SEEING PINOCCHIO AGAIN KIDS. It was even like that when they would release and RE-realese the movies on VHS. GET THIS MOVIE BEFORE IT GOES BACK INSIDE MICKEY MOUSE'S ASSHOLE AND THEN THATS SHOVED INSIDE THE DISNEY VAULT. DO NOT MISS OUT. THAT OLD COPY OF IT THAT YOU HAVE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE. GET THIS NEW FRESH COPY WITH NO REAL CHANGES. and it worked. They cannot do that anymore in the days of Streaming so they just came up with the sadly brilliant idea of remaking the movies and making them live action because I guess it's a little cheaper? or maybe to get people who don't like animation?? I don't know. I just know that this movie was more of the same. The songs were better done by the original people and the new songs were shitty. The story took 8230 years to tell whereas the original movie told it very well in like 84 minutes. Oh and the song sung by Awkwafina is THE worst song ever sung. Every song is a beautiful joy compared to that shit.

 

This movie is leagues better than the other two. I will even be nice enough to NOT consider it a SHIT SANDWICH. This is still not a very good movie. You just take all of the problems I had with the other movies and put them here. It just feels like the original movie with it's heart taken out of it. I was mostly bored by this film. One thing before we go on is that my niece called this movie REAL LIFE LILO AND STITCH which I think is unbearably cute. I do believe they saw and liked this movie and I think that's who these movies are for. Especially this one. They added some new stuff but I didn't really think it was all that interesting. I also did not like Zach Galafrackalskcishniski in the role of the alien. I thought the older guys did it better. I dunno. This didn't anger me or bore me enough to go to sleep. I really have nothing else to say than you probably shouldn't watch this one but I don't think it's the worst. I will probably rate this a 1.5 out of 5 on letterboxd. So it's not like I liked this one. Enough rambling before I start yelling about Mickey Mouse shoving VHS tapes up his asshole again. No one wants that.

 Aladdin the original animated movie is my favorite Disney movie. I watched that one so many times that I don't know how we did not wear out the VHS tape. You know the one Disney kept away from people for like two or three years before they would put it out again and everyone would shit their pants and run off. Aladdin was a funny movie with great animation and fun characters and a great overall adventure. So, how is the remake? It's a piece of shit! Were you surprised? The movie is really quite terrible overall. The old songs were done better in the original animated movie and the new songs are hot dog shit covered in piss. Jafar and Iago were a great team but in SERIOUS ALADDIN we can't have a parrot who can speak and talk back! THIS IS THE SERIOUS LIVE ACTION ALADDIN. So no comedy from either of them. Jafar is also played by an actor who just seems bored to be in a movie. I'd love to have the acting talent that would get me into fucking Z-grade movies and this guy is like OH HUM ACTING SUCKS AND I HATE IT WHY DID THEY CAST ME IN THIS. That's bad for the MAIN ANTAGONIST. The other actors try at least a little but I still liked the animated characters and the voice actors who brought them to live better. SORRY IF THAT MEANS I AM NOW THE GRAND DRAGON OF THE KKK BECAUSE I SAID STEVE FROM FULL HOUSE DID A BETTER JOB THAN THIS ARAB DUDE but it's true. He did. The other black eye this movie has is WILLARD SMIFF. I like him in a lot of things. I think he comes off as a charismatic fun guy that I would probably enjoy hanging out with. I even picked up for WILD WILD WEST people. He is not good as the Genie. In fact he's trying to fit shoes that are not his and trying to top Robin Williams in that performance is insane and he does it in the most annoying way possible. I really did not like this movie and honestly I might have disliked it more than Beauty and the Beast. Fuck this movie go watch the original one.

I know I said I wanted to get this done quickly, well expect some posts about something else. ANYTHING ELSE before I get back to this shit. I need a few days before I watch any more of these GARBAGE PILES OF SHIT.