ClawX Vs. Live Action Disney Remakes (Part 1)

 

So back in like 2021???  I said I would review every Disney movie ever. I even threw in Touchstone Pictures and Hollywood Pictures because why not I like making things more difficult for myself. You can even see a link on the side of the page. It should give links to COMIC REVIEWS, FINAL EPISODES and THE DISNEY WATCH A LONG. I did not do much before I gave up. I reviewed five movies I think. Two of them were even before I reviewed anything related to this stuff. The biggest problem wasn't even the amount of movies. I felt like most of them would be fun enough to talk about. The biggest problems were The Disney Sequels and the Live Action Disney Remakes. So I stopped doing it and then forgot about it. Then I realized it again and wen I guess it's time to bring this back. So I'm doing a set of reviews. I guess four in each go for the Live Action Disney Remakes. I just get the feeling I will not have much to say about any of them, but I promised so here I go.

 Let's start off with this one. It is a dog movie. I love dog movies. Hell, I love animal movies. You put lovable little creatures in a movie and I'll watch it. It doesn't matter what it is. So I kinda like this one. No it's not great but Lady and the Tramp, the original 1950s one was not a favorite really. I much preferred 101 Dalmatians but in the case for those two movies were are going off of 30 year memories mostly. So who knows when we get to the whole CLAWX VS THE MAINLINE DISNEY FILMS in like 2053 but this movie is nice and simple and honestly it's kinda bit too simple. Plus they got rid of the I AM SIAMESE IF YOU DON'T PLEASE which is a great song. I don't care! SIAM DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE PEOPLE! Yeah, it sticks to the usual plot of TWO DOGS falling in love and one dog has to be kept away from the other. The best thing I can say about this movie is that it saved the life of a shelter dog who became the tramp. That's really nice and I like that a lot. The movie is somewhat recommended if you enjoy animal movies. I dunno how well it would go over if you did not enjoy animal movies.

 So far, of the uh. four Disney Live Action Remakes I have seen this one is the fucking shittiest by far. First off Pinocchio feels like he's not a part of the story but watching it go on. It's hard to explain kinda but he just feels like he's along for the ride. Secondly Tom Hanks gives his worst performance ever. I hate the fact that I have to trash Tom Hanks in any way. The man is very talented and I hear is very nice too. I never thought I'd see a movie where he was like NAH I'M NOT GONNA TRY but bam we get Pinocchio and wow he is not giving a single iota of a shit. It's weirdly kind of respectable how little of a shit he is giving. This movie is just a retelling of the original animated film without any charm or any attempts to make anything different. Oh and they seemingly forgot to have PINOCCHIO TURN INTO A REAL BOY. You know the ending of the film. That's what I remember, maybe they played some TRICK OF THE EYE CAMERA TRICK or something but I don't care. This is a depressing watch and I don't want to talk about it any more. Oh and fuck the INTERNET WEIRDOS who make 10,000 videos about how the fairy godmother was like some black drag queen. That did not make the movie shit, every other thing made the movie shit and yes port I will make a blog post about these turds because I have to get my thoughts on them out of my head before I go back to yell and scream at them and I don't want to return to social media because it's worse than this movie. Uh, I'll go to the next movie now.

 

I do not remember when I watched this, or why. Probably got curious or needed to kill time so I watched this boring film. I remember the original movie pretty well for someone who has not seen it in more than three decades. It must have been one of the Disney movies I watched a lot. Like Bambi. I loved Bambi so much that when my dad said we were going to eat rabbit my sister and I FREAKED OUT because of Thumper and my Dad did not get to eat any more rabbit for like three decades. I tasted some and I would have not wanted to eat any more of it because it was not very good.  Acquired taste I guess. You know I just brought up that whole point because I have nothing else to say about this movie, except that it takes WHIMSY out of a FAIRY TALE STORY and you are left with BORING HORSE SHIT. No fun side characters. I don't even remember if it had songs. I think some of these have songs and some don't but I don't care to revisit this movie. I said I would do this but I did not say I would do it well. You know I don't do things well so shut up. I get the feeling I will feel the way about most of these movies but I said I'd do it and I will do it. Jerk. In my beautiful half assed way. At least I use half my ass which is more than this fucking movie did!

 So, I just finished watching this movie like twenty or so mintues ago and I loved it. It was goofy, campy, silly, over the top, two very talented actresses trying to OUT BITCH one another. great side characters, THE GAYEST MAN TO EVER STAR IN A DISNEY MOVIE and all kinds of twists and turns. This movie has Dalmatians kill Cruella's mother. Yes. I knew from that second that I would love this wild mess. It has a heist in it and everything! They even give her some dogs and she keeps EMMA THOMPSON's dogs. I don't think this Cruella would be like a wild dog murderer but who knows. A sequel was set up and the internet says it will happen but I hope they keep this low key insane mess a one off affair. This movies plot is kinda all over the place but man I had way too much fun with this movie. It's just completely delightful.  So the plot of this one was Cruella originally named Estella was a girl who was in a school but gets kicked out so they go to the BARONESS EMMA THOMPSON (I don't remember the characters name) who has her DALMATIANS kill Cruella's mother. She also loses her necklace. She meets Jasper and Horace from the 101 Dalmatians movie. She was also friends with Anita Darling (who is OH NO BLACK IN THIS VERSION HELP!!!!!)  So they steal things until they become adults and get Estella/Cruella a job. This job has her meet BARONESS EMMA THOMPSON and she sees the necklace on her neck and they have to HEIST UP A JOB. She turns into CRUELLA and becomes THE BIGGEST SHITTIEST BITCH EVER in the most wonderfully over the top way. I am going to leave it here because I kinda want you to watch it. Even though I know the only people who read this blog never will, but man I had a lot of fun.

 

So far the movie that actually changed things up quite a bit honestly is the one that was the most fun. The other one was just fun because I love animal movies way too much and the other two took whimsical shit out of a fucking fairy tale and therefore made the stories boring as shit. I will be back soon enough with another four movies and may God have mercy on my soul.