The Final Episode #140: GI Joe: A Real American Hero (DIC) (1989 - 1992)

 

I know I said that it would be a movie review, Final Episode or Comic Review before a NEW SET of three NES game reviews to keep things different on the main page. However I am adding something to that, I can do several Final Episodes or Comic Reviews or whatever. Just at least one has to pop up before I get back to the ol' NES. So I'll hopefully talk about a comic of some kind before tomorrow so we can get back to the NES. Anyway I'm making this extra rule because I just for whatever reason felt like talking about G.I. Joe. and DIC. So yeah.

First off, I do consider these too be two different shows which is why I'm doing both. Yes, apparently they continue the Sunbow series "canon" or whatever. However it's a newer and uh, not as good animation studio. Secondly it came out two years after the movie. It had been enough time for me to consider this a new series and I don't give a shit if you don't. This is my stupid shithole blog and I get to do whatever I want on it. So let's talk about DiC, You know I have a love for the stuff in the Inspector Heathcliff era which was from like Uylusses 31 to Teddy Ruxpin. I call it Inspector Heathcliff because I like Inspector Gadget and Heathcliff and the idea of them being mushed together amuses me greatly.

Anyway this era ended when Andy Hayward decided to push Jean Chalopin out of his job as head of DiC, bought stocks or some shit. I don't know how he did it and I don't care.  The Hayward era of DiC lasted from the late 1980s to 2008 and it got worse and worse until seriously the shows they were making were like Super Duper Sumos and no I won't talk about that show no matter how hard you try. They did animation incredibly cheap and apparently did this show for so cheap because they wanted to corner the animation market. That I do think worked for a while because you couldn't watch a damn cartoon without seeing that KID IN THE BED and the STARS GOING DIC thing at the end of a cartoon.

So these are considered really bad. I don't think I ever really watched much GI Joe but for Portnoyd I'm going to talk about several episodes. I'm also doing it for my self because these episodes sound really dumb. So get ready for our TRIPLE SIZED BLOG POST on the DiC version of G.I. Joe. After this I don't think there's any more GI Joe stuff I can talk about except maybe the movie. This literally ends it all. I'm not talking about any of the dumb GI Joe shit made after 2005. This is for nostalgia and my nostalgia is DiC cartoons. so many god damn DiC cartoons. 

 Two of these episodes are just gonna be short recaps. Nothing amazing just short. I just saw several episodes on the guide and they looked so goofy I had to watch them and if I'm gonna watch them I might as well talk about them. Our first episode is called Granny Dearest. So the Joe's are deliving some thing and COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA wants it. Man Cobra really has better characters than GI Joe. The Joes in this episode are boring. Pathfinder and some other jerks I don't care about. The Cobra guys are this crazy lunatic with rockets strapped on his back which he fires and a Gay Safari Hunter. Clearly better than the GI Joes of random military guy and other random military guy. Oh and Pathfinder who can't find his way around the city. They end up having a fight and Rocket Man's grandma shows up. Just in the middle of a fight. I think she steps on the bomb he was about the set up. I'm glad he did not blow up his grandma. It shows that even evil crazy men can love their grannies! The GI Joe in the plane thing (available at all KB Toys for 15.99!!) tries to stop her and she just throws her suitcase at them. Granny's a hard bitch.

Of course Metal Head (what a great name) told Granny that G.I. Joe is full of Gangsters which is why she did it.  Lol Granny picks up a doohickey that I'm sure was a thing you use to blow up bombs (I'm talking about the GI Joe DIC cartoon. I am not a learned man, Piss off) and bitches and moans at Metal Head who in his letters said he was the leader of Cobra and they were good guys! Oh man, Granny's gonna be mad when she finds out about that! She cleans it off and uses it to blow up and it nearly kills Gay Safari Man. I say he's gay because he has one of those gay porno mustaches from the 1970s and 1980s.  the boring ass GI Joes for this episode talk about what the machi does but I'm not really paying attention. I want more Granny. She's the best! I hate this remake Cobra Commander. It is AWFUL. Hood Cobra Commander or NO COBRA COMMANDER. THIS SHIT IS TRASH AND CAN GET FUCKED IN THE ASS. Also lol Gay Safari Man goes to the Alligator Races AND the Ballet. He's both femme and butch!!!  Man, I wish Granny was a bad guy and won't end up joining the GI Joes but you know she will, this shit is wild, but I really gotta get to the ending quick. Granny helps Cobra by COVERING THE GI JOES IN GRAIN and she yells COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRA with Gay Safari Man. I like how Cobra Commander was in a scene with her and never mentioned anything, all he did was refuse her soup. This episode is fucking madness. Lololololol there was a scene of Granny running to her Grandson and past Cobra Commander he wanted a hug!!!

 This is the goofiest shit in the world. Cobra Commander is really mad that he didn't get that hug either. hahahahhah Freefall got caught by Metal Head and now he's gonna tell his Granny. I love this goofy shit. Holy hot hell (Also the new Destro is pretty cool.) Granny, Gay Safari Man and a ANGRY CYBORG show up. Wow Granny finally realizes GI Joe are the good guys and literally says shes gonna wash Metal Heads mouth out with soap. I like what makes he realize they are bad guys is Cobra Commander putting his feet up on the desk. Granny likes PROPER TABLE MANNERS THANK YOU. I once posted what was the dumbest episode of any 80s cartoon and I think this just might take the cake. It has to be in the Top 5 at LEAST. It's wonderfully dumb though. The GI Joe's stop the DOOHICKEY OF THE EPISODE and the FLOATING FORTRESS floats no more. Granny really should have become a member of GI Joe.

Our next episode is Stuck On You.  You remember the movie Trading Places where the Principal from the Breakfast Club gets put in a Gorilla suit and then raped to death by a lady Gorilla? Good lord 1980s comedies were insane and I watched this one a lot as a kid. Anyway this episode is like that except no raping to death of the Principal from the Breakfast Club. This time a gorilla falls in love with Cobra Commander.  So Pathfinder and Cobra Commander get lost in the jungle. Pathfinder gets in trouble with some Lions and gets followed by Papa Lion. Cobra Commander becomes the plaything of a gorilla.

 Cobra Commander gets captured by Pathfinder. They are being chased by a Gorilla who wants to make love with Cobra Commander. A pissed off Lion. Cobra guys that were called in secretly by Cobra Commander and the GI Joes Duke, Lady Jaye and British Man. Seriously he sounds very british. I guess he is from ACTION FORCE.  Lol they fall into the water after running away from the Lion and oh shit a snake is attacking Cobra Commander. Pathfinder is allergic to snakes... Can you be allergic to snakes??? They cause him to sniffle and sneeze but he's no coward so he picks up the damn snake and throws it in the water. This shit is bananas, as POET LAUREATE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Gwen Stefaini once said. I will just say that the rest of this episode is pretty insane but Cobra Commander DOES NOT get raped. I'm sorry Bratwurst.

 

The last episode I plan to discuss in shorter detail is called Kindergarten Commandos. Wow Cobra is destroying school books by burning them. Just like Nazis. Book burning is always bad kids. Granny would NOT approve. Wow they are burning the books to replace them with THEIR history books. With a guy that looks like OLD SCHOOL HOODED COBRA COMMANDER crossing the Delaware instead of like Thomas Jefferson or one of those slave owning shitheads. Oh man we're at the school with the kids now. They will end up teaming up with MERCER and take town COBRAS EVIL PLOT. Also they went back to the Hooded Cobra Commander so I can stop freaking out of that. Honestly this one is not as wacky as I was hoping for. The Kids start helping Cobra then give up on helping them when Cobra Commander starts reading WILLIAM SNAKESPEAR to the kids. One of the kids helps MERCER out and then they take on Cobra Commander. The kids stop the rescue team by boobytrapping the school yard. Also a really dumb Cobra guy goes ENOUGH OF THIS OVER THE TOP NONSENSE before blowing a hole in the wall. They save the day. This episode is goofy but Granny and the Gorilla were goofier episodes.

 The Final Episode was called The Legend of Metal Head and it's a fucking clip show. Oh and the episode prior is also a fucking clip show. I'm amazed so many cartoons also had clip shows. It's kind of amazing how we'd just never complain about clip shows. It might have been something in 1964 but you had a damn VCR to record shit in 1991 when this episode aired!  I'm not talking about a damn clip show ever again because trying to turn that shit into a blog post is annoying and terrible. None of them will ever be as amazing as Webster so why even bother? It's not like the News Anchors from Meet the Press are gonna show up for a crossover that just might out weird the Webster one. So I'm gonna watch Metal Head's Reunion.

 Metal Head's Reunion came to is in November of 1991. Written by Steve Weiss and Paul Dell. They wrote for Captain N, Saved by the Bell The New Class, Saved by the Bell the College Years, One of the Super Mario Brothers cartoons and Kenan and Kel. I never saw Kenan and Kel but I did see Good Burger. What a weird movie that was. Anyway this episode starts with well Grid Iron and Metal Head going to their high school reunion. Grid Iron and a scientest lady who used to be a cheerleader lady are talking about how they are going to be at the high school reunion. Cobra is trying to steal the ULTRA SUPER X-D79.2/6 SUPER COATING. or some random doohickey that will help them TAKE OVER THE WORLD. This Cheerleader Scientist made the ray. Oh man Metal Head was the goofy high school mascot. Which was just a guy with a bucket on his head. This show is goofy.

  Anyway the coating thing she created is unstable but it does help defect lasers away. I guess they will want this. Cobra I mean. Anyway GRID IRON and CHEERLEADER SCIENTIST show up in nice clothes. She forgot and put how to make the SUPER ULTRA X-F422 COATING on the same disk she made some kind of weird image making thing. She turns Grid Iron from Grid Iron to a Cat man. I think Cheerleader Scientist is a furry. Also Metal Head brought GRANNY. YES. Thank you LORD. Granny is back. This will be a good way to end all of this off.  Metal Head tries to get Granny to go with Grid Iron so he can talk to Cheerleader Scientist. Lol they have a dance and then Metal Head literally asks her for the Formula. She doesn't know he's with Cobra but she still says no. This show is goofy.

Metal Head calls Cobra by firing rockets into the sky. This causes a bunch of boats to come by and attach to the bigger boat and bring it to a whirlpool which brings it to the Under the Sea base of Cobra. I love Under the Sea bases and will never tire of seeing them. So another GI Joe gets in somehow. He has a Green Hat. I will call him Green Hat Greg. Metal Head is talking about all he did to get then captured by Cobra and Granny just PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. Berates him and says he shouldnt have done this to his classmates, then tells him he should get a better job after hes like BUT ITS MY JOB. Granny rules. I would buy like 8 Granny action figures. No lie. Anyway she storms off and we see Grid Iron and Cheerleader Scientist. They go into the UNDER THE SEA BASE to find out how to open up an exit. Granny also comes in. Metal Head is flying around so happy and hopes Cobra Commander will treat him well for this.

Like a big doofus dummy the Cheerleader Scientist seems to jump off the thing she and Grid Iron were climbing just to meet Metal Head and give up her secrets. She wants Cobra Commander to let everyone go but he's like SURE but behind his back he's doing the crossed fingers thing. I wonder where that happened and why people did it. You could easily lie without having to do that. It's very weird. Anyway she gives it to them and Destro looks it over. He says they can't use it on land but they can under the sea. Seeing as they are now under the sea they start creagint the coating and start using it. Cheerleader Scientist lets out the weakest OH NO i've ever seen. 

So they really must coat this thing fast with whatever this is because GI Joes show up and start shooting and it does nothing. Cobra fucks them up easily causing them to retreat. All Metal Head wants is to fight Grid-Iron and GRANNY COMES OUT WITH A FUCKIN BAZOOKA and blows up one of his rockets that was gonna hit Grid Iron. Green Hat Greg shows up and I guess goes off with Granny. Grid Iron flies around in one of those backpack helicopter things. Metal Head literally destroys his base. Seriously I thought SCIENTIST LADY somehow edited the FLOPPY DISK before giving it to Cobra Commander and that was how it was gonna end. Nope, Goofy ass Metal Head blows up the thing instead. Scientist Lady, Grid Iron, Granny and Green Hat Greg gotta get outta there FAST, but not before Scientist Lady and Grid Iron get the floppy disk. Metal Head shows up and gets a floppy disk but you know it's gonna be the IMAGE MAKING thing even though I swear she said both were on the same disc but I'm not going back to check. I think I've talked enough about DiC GI Joe. Stuff is leaking out of my ears and I think that's a sign to finish this.

They get back on the ship. Cobra gets on their ship and the UNDER THE SEA BASE sinks because Metal Head was a terrible shot.  Oh it got deleted but somehow she was able to get a message from Granny on there. This being in the CANON of the Sunbow show means this was the LAST 1980S GI JOE ADVENTURE. This goofy, goofy shit. I'm sure some people were pissed off but I was bemused by this nonsense. Still better than a fucking clip show. This was not the only episode of a cartoon show to involve a High School Class Reunion. Darkwing Duck also did it and that episode was much better. Still this was fun. I still want a Granny action figure. Name your price!

FINAL THOUGHTS: Stuff is leaking out of my eyes now. I think I need to press publish and go do anything else.