NES Game Reviews #43: Ghenghis Khan's Gemfire Fight George Foreman and a Ghost Lion with the Ghostbusters

 

Well now, I know I said two things just a few days ago but I am very bored right now so I will be writing another post before January 2nd where CRAZY SHIT STARTS GOING DOWN AGAIN. I also found some posts that I could delete and now I have more time to watch 84 episodes of a television series so I can do the 500th post. It is pretty much something I and maybe one other person would be interested in it. Anyway I think this might be the worst six games I could talk about to cure boredom. I will see what portnoyd has to say about this stuff.

So I'm sure you all remember when I took a mulligan and was like FUCK THIS and reviewed all four Bases Loaded games in one paragraph because they all suck shit and barely change anything in them and the pitcher view is really annoying and I don't like it. Yeah, I should have done that for these games too because I literally have just one thing to say about them is that it seems to take way too long to fully understand how to play because you got to make sure you do everything right. EVERYTHING. I do not know which one of these games I played but I played one of them for like one hour and thirty minutes one time. Finally cracking the code to these games I thought, NOPE. It turned out that I was doing something wrong for that entire time and I'm sorry but I'm an old ass fucking man now. forty fucking years old and no I don't have time to literally piss away 1 hour and 30 minutes just because I made a mistake. That's just unfair and the reason I just can never get into these games. I know the people who can seem to love them and to be fair I will put them in the impatient pile. I just don't understand them and never will.

Hey, cool two of these games in a row. Wonderful. What can I say that I haven't said before. Uh, I do love the box art here. Genghis Khan looks so excited and crazed and angry to be on a NES game where he gets to pillage again. The other thing is that is one of like I dunno twenty or so games that I have not played before.  So I pulled up the ROM wondering if this game would be different. Would it be something that a newbie to strategic games or will they be complex as all hell and I got into the game and saw the list of things that you can do and just screamed and cried and maybed pooped myself a little. These games just have too much going on. I just want simple strategic games, just know what to do and not have to make sure you do 203490 things before you even really start the game. I just do not get these games. I do not know if I can call them awful truly because the people. Maybe I should have tried more but I can't fix my impatience. I just don't want to those 4204209 things before I even start a game. Bleah.

Oh goodie a boxing game on the NES. A boxing game that does not have Michael Tyson in it. This game was not made by Nintendo themselves. That game is very simple but still feels exciting and you have to find the right way to beat the boxers. The Challenge is also fair (even though I have never beaten it) where you start with simple boxers like Glass Joe before going to harder and harder guys. This game starts hard as fuck. I don't know how to do uppercuts at all and the computer does and it takes out a HUGE CHUNK of your life. I also don't know what the hell to do to get up when knocked down, something that is very easy in Mike Tyson's game (until you can't do it anymore). This game has you have to hide in the corner and punch a guy when you can and if he pulls off his super uppercut POW BAM BOOM you are fuckin dead as shit. This game is inexcusable for 1992. The graphics are worse than Mike Tyson which was back in the damn 1980s! WHEN THE SYSTEM WAS JUST STARTING. George Forman really deserved better. Fuckin Beam Software man.

Can I say that the cover of Ghost Lion for the Nintendo Entertainment System literally has one of the most 1980s images ever. Like ever. It is proof that the 1980s died in 1992. I know it doesn't seem to make sense but this was clearly the last gasp of the Nineteen Eighties before going off to die a beautiful Neon death somewhere in a desert I guess. I also like it because it's really thrown together. Why does her face look like it's photoshopped really badly. The body is a drawing but the face is someone face. Also I like the Lion just casually in the background with a really bored look on his face. He's really going C'MON MAN TAKE THE PICTURE. Anyway this is NES game reviews not NES box art reviews. I don't know how I'd rate this games box art because it's both amazing and awful. Which is kinda apt for this game. I mean I wouldn't call it amazing because it isn't. This is a Dragon Warrior ripoff and it lets you level up quickly. I don't even know where the level cap is but I really think it's pretty low. This game is very short and was clearly brought over by Kemco because they were like fuck let's make some small amount of money, this game was actually based on a movie from 1988, and was made in 1989 and then was brought over to America to make some money in 1992. It's a very 1989 RPG. It's really rough around the edges but it's also pretty easy for the most part. I like the ablitily to pick up random strange ghosts to fight with you. They got magic and shit. I don't know what else to say except this is a generic RPG that will very much go into the okay pile. Woo.

This game brings out a lot of nostalgia. It was one of the first games I got when I got my second NES. I was so exicted because I'm a fan of the Ghostbusters. The cartoons, the movies (well mostly just the first two) and all that. I put it into the NES and after a few minutes of playing I went "What the fuck is this fucking garbage?" I considered it the worst NES game ever. I even wrote a review for a website called NES Player (well I put said review up on like every page that would take it lol). Said review was a profanity laden rage fest on the game. I don't want port getting angry at Groxx but one day it was replaced by a review by some guy who none of us talked too but I guess must have annoyed Groxx enough to post said review. His review was a huge blowjob to this game. A messy, gross blowjob. Painful with lots of teeth. I try to respect not popular opinions on things. I mean when they are geniune and not contrarian city and I'm sorry this guy was a fucking contrarian. First off you have to buy your own equipment . Who the hell thought that was a good idea? The Ghostbusters created their own equipment! So once you get enough money from busting Ghosts and getting fucking angry from the driving segments because FUCKING JESUS CHRIST you don't know if a car is coming and you want to stick up at the top but if you hit a car you lost money and that means you have to do some really boring fucking ghost shooting segments. The entire game is fucking boring or frustrating. Even when you get the best suits and the ghost food going into the Zuul building is still a paintful expereicne because the Ghostbusters move the slowest I've seen any video game character move. Holy shit. It's so bad. If you somehow get to the top to fight the Final Boss don't go back up to far because you will go to a different screen and that's just annoying. This game is terrible. Sadly this game does not make Bustin feel good.

Ghostbusters II is a weaker film than Ghostbusters but Ghostbusters II is a better game than Ghostbusters. I mean it's still a rotten piece of shit but it starts with something the first game should have done and be a platformer. Sure it would have probably been janky as hell but a platformer is where the Ghostbusters should have been, not whatever weird shit the first game was. Sorry, there's some outside of the box thinking for games but sometimes you just go for the tried and true and this game is a platformer and I give them credit for that. They knew what they should have done. It's just this is a very not fun game to play. The controls are what puts it down. Shooting the gun is impossible. You gotta move the gun to shoot the ghosts and it just feels so stiff. Moving around feels stiff. The level design just feels "whatever" and there's not much to like about this game. This game like the first one will go in the bad pile but I just don't get mad at it like I do the first game and somehow even beat it. I don't know how but I did. I'm a wild man.

GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 86

OKAY GAMES / HAVENT AGED WELL: 30

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 5

NES Game Reviews #42: Galactic Crusader & Galaga are stuck in the Gargoyle's Galaxy Gauntlet 2.

 Merry Christmas to the loving readers of my blog! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! ALL THAT JUNK! This might be the last post before the new year. I am nine posts away from 500 posts and well I need to watch a tv show all the way through and have to watch 70 episodes or around there of this show. It might even be more, I really don't know. Anyway I think it's good to give yourself breaks from time to time. So I decided to give portnoyd his CHRISTMAS GIFT and poop out another NES game Reviews blog post for him to comment on and we can argue and just have a good time. This set is a pretty interesting set of games so I can't wait to get into them!

Well my God it's time again to tear a video game a new asshole. Recently I've been too nice and well they haven't really been giving me games worth ripping the asshole out of. Galactic Crusader is a Sachen game and the only Sachen games that ever made it to America were bought by Bunch Games to shove onto the NES and I think this was the only one. I guess portnoyd will tell me. Don't get angry at me Sachen weirdos who aren't even reading this website, you had literal decades of time to prove to the rest of the NES world that they popped up here in such insane quantities that meant people should collect them. You don't think shitters like John Riggs, MetalJesusSucks and Pat the NES Jerk wouldn't have made a big deal about it if they had found them. I don't even know why I brought them up, I just wanted to sass them. The jerks. Uh, where was I. Oh yeah this game is barely playable garbage. There are sections where the enemies don't even shoot at you and then BLAM you get shot and wonder where the fuck the thing came from. Everything about this game is stupid and ugly and I hate it. I think Bunch Games made the worst games in the Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree trifecta. I wish I knew more about why they made three different companies but oh well. Maybe portnoyd knows. I am tired of talking about this game and wish to do it no more.

Galaga is based on the Arcade game also named Galaga. It's about you shooting alien jerks until they are dead. This is a very simple easy to get into game and you know sometimes that's all one needs. Sure it's great that the NES had a lot of games that went very in depth but sometimes you just got 20 minutes to play a game and not 8 hours. All you want to do is shoot some aliens to kill some time because a tv show you like is coming on and you don't want to watch the show before it. That was a big deal back in the NES/SNES/Genesis days. We had no internet or streaming to find something else to watch or do for 20 minutes. This does that incredibly well. You turn it on and enjoy that twenty minutes of shooting aliens and the thing is, if you really get into it and hell I can tell you I've gotten really into arcade type games you can easily play it for way too long and miss your show and freak out because you didn't tape it. This game can get very addictive like most well done arcade ports. I don't think Chubby Cherub was an actual port but it tried to do arcade action and it failed miserably. Every Bandai game i've covered since is a masterpiece compared to that shit. Yet it somehow got considered rare and hard to find. I refuse to believe Chubby Cherub is a rarity and you should too.

The first time I played this game I was not a fan. I was not a fan of the controls and therefore just threw it off and forgot about it. I don't know why I came back to it, I guess because I was trying to beat games but I did and finally got used to the controls just to find otu that this game was hard as hell. It took me years t oget used to how you play this game and to even beat it, the thing is this game is absolutely worth getting used too and playing. This is an amazing racing game and is probably my favorite on the NES. The levels get pretty varied and what you can do with your car ends up being pretty amazing. Galaxy 5000 is sadly still pretty underappreciated even in our HIDJEN JERMS youtube video era. You'd think someone would make a video on this. It deserves it. The music is great and it's a very worth while game to play. One point of advice is to find out where the hidden stuff is and ALWAYS go for it. You will need that hidden shit to beat this wild ass beast of a racing game. 

Gargoyles Quest I is a game I want to get really good at but I still cannot beat the first stage. It was a game I got as a kid. I actually believe that somehow everyone with a Gameboy for any amount of time somehow found themselves with a copy of that game. It's really weird too because the NES sequel and the SNES sequel are both pretty uncommon, but you'll find a copy of the first game ANYWHERE you look. I'm sure more copies of Gargoyles Quest I were created than I dunno copies of the Bible. Still weirdly enough you never hear anyone talk about that one. It's always the two sequels and mostly because RARE I LOVE THE RARITY WOO MONEY RARITY THIS WILL BE AN INVESTMENT WOO I AM A MANCHILD WHO REFUSES TO LOOK INTO STOCKS. WOO. The thing is I like Gargoyles Quest II and Demon's Crest more than the original game (sorry Damien). Something about he original game just beats my ass into a corner and makes me cry. Anyway here's another HOT TAKE: Gargoyles Quest >>>>>>>>>> Ghost N Goblins where Firebrand came from if I recall correctly. These games are all really great. Gargoyles Quest II has great music, great graphics for the time, very well created levels, all kinds of neat upgrades and is just an incredibly fun video game to play.  Demon's Crest is also pretty awesome. All Gargoyles Quest games need to be in your collection if you actually still collect things and they really should make a new one but with NES style graphics. GET ON IT CAPCOM I KNOW YOU WANNA DO IT.

Ah we come back to Tengen, an incredible company. They used to be able to make games for the NES but something happened and they had to go unlicensed. They were the best Unlicensed game company for this reason. I don't know the reason why they had to go underground but they did. Anyway for this reason there is a licensed and unlicensed NES game and no I'm not doing the joke of reviewing both this time portnoyd. I already have more than 500 damn games to review not to mention that I'm thinking of reviewing Pal/Aus/whatever exclusives because they had some cool shit too. Gauntlet is a video game that I like a decent amount despite being amazingly horrible at. Gauntlet goes on for 100 stages of you just trashing motherfucking demons and gremlins and shit. Just wrecking the hell out of their assholes. You have to stock up on finding food and saving health and so getting through 100 stages is damn hard. I have never done it but Gauntlet is on my list of games I'd like to beat.

Gauntlet II is also on that list, even though I'm not sure it even has an actual ending and is one of those never ending games. It just starts looping at a certain point. Anyway Gauntlet II is well more of the same. The Graphics and sound have been cleared up a bit and some other things work a little differently but really it's still no real difference in entertainment value than the first game. It does have 4 player action which means you can use the Nintendo Four Score and beat this game with a bunch of friends. The lady warrior was way sexier on the cover of the original game tho. Just saying. Anyway, I'm done for now. I gotta watch a lot of a tv show!

GOOD GAMES: 125

BAD GAMES: 84

OKAY GAMES / HAVEN'T AGED WELL: 29

GAMES IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 3

Movie Review #78: Silent Night Deadly Night (2025)

 

I have ot mention this because it's so weird to me. After I watched this not very good film I looked it up on Google to find the poster and found a link to a video on YouTube called Silent Night, CUCKED Night. I watched it for 3 seconds before I was like yeah no. I just like that a ANTI WOKE EVERY MOVIE IS NOW TOTALLY 100% ULTRA LEFT WING COMMIE SHIT movie channel picked this. It was wild. Anyway, yes, they remade Silent Night Deadly Night for the second time. The first time was in 2012 with Silent Night (don't worry if you didn't realize it's a remake they do a bad job of showing you that it is, I mean it does have Malcolm McDowell going GARBAGE DAY in a weird forced scene. That was not a very good movie and I will say that this one is better but man it is still a weird and not very good movie. So it's time to discuss this stuff.

I think I should start by talking abotu the other movies in this series. I really love the  original Silent Night Deadly Night a lot. It's this weird dramatic thriller that goes through the life of this poor son of a bitch. He sees his parents get murdered and raped and all that shit. Then he goes to an orphanage where this HORRIBLE AWFUL GARBAGE BITCH NUN pretty much shoves his face into the dirt for the next 20 or so years. He then gets a job and after being forced to wear a Santa suit (the guy who killed his parents was wearing one) drives him fuckin crazy and he starts murdering the shit out of people while either screaming Naughty or Punish. He does not get to finally punish the nun who was the shittiest piece of shit who ever shit and was really the reason he snapped. Fuck that nun so hard. The second movie is a fucking mess but that's why I like it. About 60 percent of it is just clips of the original movie but what makes it amazing is the new footage. They get the most awkward actor they could to play the brother of the guy from the first movie, Ricky. You've seen the Garbage Day clip. EVERYONE HAS SEEN IT. It's amazing. I will never tire of watching it. The third movie was just a blah slasher film that really shouldn't be watched. The fourth movie was about witches for some reason but it did have Clint Howard. Still, don't watch it. The fifth movie was kinda enjoyable. The first remake was also blah.

OK. Sit your ass down. Just sit it down. Don't stand up because you will fall on your ass as I tell you about this movies bonkers ass plot. Okay, for the first part of the movie it kinda starts up the way the original does. However the kid is then sent in to see his Grandpa like in the original movie. He dies right there and his family just leaves and they drive around and well they end up getting killed by a man who we later on find out is Charlie the Janitor of the nursing home his grandpa lived in. We find this oue when we find out that Billy got out of the car after his mother pretty much killed Charlie the Janitor and he grabs his hand and this is what causes Billy to become a murderer. Charlie starts living inside Billys head. Yep. This is shown NOT to be some kind of mental issue or anything of the like. Charlie talks to Billy during the entire movie (can I say that I wish a single movie that does this would have the voice be like Pee Wee Herman or Ernest P Worrell instead. That would be weirdly hilarious) 

So Billy then starts killing people at the age of 17. He starts with his foster mother and then he tries to keep going killing people each Christmas for a decade. He only kills bad people and how does he find out whos bad. Well it seems that Charlie has the power to tell if someone is a good person or a horrible monster. You are thinking "Claw you seem to like bonkers weird ass horror movies and this is sounding like a bonkers weird ass horror movie?" I really wish I did but this entire movie is boring as fuck except for like one scene where he kills a bunch of Nazis. Also Charlie's eye could tell she killed someone but could NOT tell she was a Nazi. I guess Charlie's Magic Eye is not that amazing. The biggest problem is this movie takes itself way too seriously and tries to make this shit seem not goofy. Really should have went farther into Goof territory there Mike Nelson. Yes, just like the MST3K/Rifftrax guy which is really funny. 

There was a lady in this movie whom I really thought was gonna be a killer of a bunch of missing kids and that would bring her and Billy together as some sort of murder couple that would turn into some kind of murder family. No what happens is that well they actually find the killer of the children and go and try to kill him. Billy dies and then they do a hand hold (which yes Billy did with Charlie) before Billy dies which brings Billy into her head. I would think it was really funny if they brought Charlie AND Billy into her head. Everyone just arguing with each other. Anyway she kills her ex-boyfriend who was helping the killer because I guess she gets the killer eye despite Charlie finally dying. This movie is weird and confusing and dumb and not done in a way that's all that fun to watch... I'd skip this one.

NES Game Reviews #41: Frankenstein's Freedom Force Fights GI Joe in the Fun House on Friday the 13th

 

Well, we are back with the NES game reviews. We are also back to really short paragraphs used to open up the posts. Yep, I don't really have any long sprawling things to mention this time. Just that I am very happy to be bringing you these reviews. It's quite fun to sit here and talk about NES with you lovable scamps. Anyway we like usual have six games and we are finally getting to the Gs. If I had actually kept up with this blog we would probably have been done by now. Anyway we will finish the F and start the Gs today. As I already said. I hope I can come up with more stuff to bring to these opening paragaraphs because man they are the hardest things to write, especially when you've done it 41 times (counting this one) BLEAH.

I like how similar the box art is to that AD up there. I wonder where the AD showed up in, must have been a magazine because I do not remember ever seeing that on the back of a comic book (or in a comic book) and I own way too many comic books from 1990. Anyway Frankenstein is in an unoffical trilogy of games I like to call "THE BOSS BATTLE SIDESCROLLERS". The other two games are Sword Master and Castle of Dragon. I call them the Boss Battle Sidescrollers because well you fight like 832 bosses in each level. It's really wild. I actually do believe that Castle of Dragon and Sword Master are somehow connected but this is not an actual trilogy of any kind. The games all do the whole shove 8290 boss fights in each level very differently but I actually really like all three games in the "trilogy" it's just they are all kinda jank to some degree. I would say Frankenstein is the least jank and the best of the three but it still has some rough edges they could have smoothed out, some of the enemies are just real fuckin jerks who stink. Anyway this game is worth playing and has pretty good graphics and music and hell you fight Frankenstein how cool is that! Very cool I say. There's only like less than twenty games left for the NES that I actually want to try and beat and Frankenstein is on there. It might be only four or five levels but it gets pretty darn hard when it wants to be! Anyway pretty good game from Bandai here and so far the best game they've made!

Can I say that when it comes to the Zapper games I prefer the simpler ones. Like Duck Hunt and Wild Gunman and Hogan's Alley. You know the ones that if they were sold today poeple would be like FUCKERS THIS IS JUST A DEMO but in 1988 it was bought for us and we would be like YAY and then shoot criminals or western criminals to our hearts content. the bigger Zapper games like this one end up being weirdly way too long or too hard. There is one Zapper game that I think is harder than ANY non-Zapper game and we will get to it when we can. Anyway if I were to give any of this "bigger" Zapper games the best title I would probably give it to this game, even if I do believe it's too damn hard. It's still clear that Sunsoft (who I think should be 3rd place in third party contest for the nes, either them or Taito, behind Capcom and Konami but that's just me) anyway this game is pretty well done but I am not good enough at it to really give you a full review.

This is a game I will be defending however I see now adays that people are way more kinder to it. I remember downloading like all kinds of NES roms and being like HOLY SHIT THAT HAD A GAME and I would play Friday the 13th with my sister being around being annoying because the computer was put in the family room. I used to have at one point go "get on the computer" now everyone is on the computer 24/7. It's wild. Anyway, even though I had no idea what to do I loved this game and would defend it on the old NESescity forums (and other forums) This game was really treated poorly back then and I wonder if it had anything to do with the AVGN video for some people. I dunno. I always thought this game was neat. You have to treat it as some kind of action/stragety game. You need to get the right things to fight Jason or he will wreck your shit. It was also easier at least for me to fight Jason in the houses than in the forest. I dunno. I did beat this game once in like 2006 when I finally learned how to actually play the game and had a great time. The game is still pretty hard but it's totally easier than Freedom Force, at least for me. Even on a emulator where Zapper games are easy as balls Freedom Force will fuck you in the ass. Anyway, I like Friday the 13th for the NES and I will be putting it in the good pile. I don't give a shit BOYOS.

This is a game that is uh, not great for one reason and one reason only, the game controls probably the worse of any NES game out there. It's amazing how bad it is. Despite that I still kinda enjoy this game. I think the levels have a neat about of variety and what you have to do does change a little bit. Sometimes you just gotta get t othe end and sometimes you gotta collect a bunch of shit before hand. So many times I died because I couldn't get to the end after collecting stuff. I am very sure portnoyd is going to yell about this game and uh I cant really blame him because most people yell at this game. I do no remember ever seeing the game show it was based on. I am also amazed that GameTek let someone who wasn't them make a game show game. I wonder if they are still pissed at Hi Tech Expressions for getting this one. I dunno. Anyway this is probably going in the bad game pile even if I do kinda get a kick out of it. Sometimes it's fun to play in the dirt ya know.

G.I. Joe A Real American Hero is a great start for the Gs. Games based on something like a movie or a tv show or a cartoon or whatever can vary ALL the way in quality. In one case you can get The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and in other cases you get G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe is a game where you get to play as several G.I. Joes (all of which have different power ups and play styles) and they go through a bunch of very well thought out levels that have you do different things to stop the evils of Cobra! Apparently to get the "true" ending you had to beat this game five different times, like every game Taxan produced and honestly this game IS worth playing five different times. GI Joe for the NES is a worthy addition to anyones collection regardless of how much you like GI Joe. KID and Taxan did an excellent job here and this game shouldn't just be considered shitty because it was based on something! 

Another KID classic. KID was very underrated and GI Joe The Atlantis Factor apparently got mixed reviews in the heyday of the NES and I really fail to see why. This is a great sequel. They said it gets repetitive and I really do not see that. I don't think this game ends up being long enough to be repetitive. The levels are different enough to keep from that feeling coming. I do not know why I am arguing with 33 year old reviews of this goofy shit but man I am because it is my blog and YOU CAN EAT A FARTY POOP! Anyway this game has great graphics and music and I love the level up factor so you can make Snake Eyes (the coolest GI Joe. I don't care who you pick instead portnoyd) into a furious beast that just blows away Cobra agents like no other! It's great. The challenge level is pretty good but I do think some of the later stages get into that "oh FUCK YOU" area of challenge. You know what I mean. Anyway the best thing about this game is how they would have totally be sued for their level select stage. It is SO much like Bionic Commando it's kind of amazing. Seriously.  If they weren't working with Capcom it would have happened. I wonder if Capcom wanted that or someone worked on both games or someone liked Bionic Commando and wanted to homage it. I dunno. It's funny to me.

GOOD GAMES: 120

BAD GAMES: 83

OKAY GAMES: 29

IMPATIENT WHATEVER: 3

Movie Review #77: Jingle All the Way (1996)

 

Saturday June 10th, 2023. That was the day I posted my final Movie Review. I would write mini reviews from then at random times and hell I still might to mini reviews for movies that I wanna talk about that just don't have enough for a full review. Anyway I mention that because it was on the Phantom Menace. I still think it's a piece of shit but since then I did see Attack of the Clones and I will give you my review right here so you get two reviews in one. It Stinks. I just don't care about Star Wars beyond the original trilogy and I just do not care if I ever see Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. I can live the rest of my life and enter the grave and never see that movie and I'll be happy. I do not know why I'm bringing this shit up but anyway. I decided to bring back the Movie Reviews because I want to try to post AT LEAST 20 times a month on this blog this coming January. If I can pull out more that's great but I want twenty posts that I can look at and go "OK, this is not awful and I think I conveyed my points across very well" and I picked Jingle All the Way because I honestly was not sure If I ever saw the movie before. I mean I probably had. I was alive in the 1990s and the movie was a big thing. I just can't remmeber a single thing about it so I figured that's a good reason to watch or rewatch something. What did I think?

Jingle All the Way is a really really really really really fucking stupid movie. It's incredibly stupid. It's also incredibly entertaining. I like the number of "Oh hey it's that guy" that show up in this movie. There's Arnie. He's not really a that guy. Neither is Sinbad, or Phil Hartman. However just about everyone else really is. First off Robert Conard of Wild Wild West fame (not the movie with WILLARD SMITH, I mean the original TV show) plays a cop that I will bring up later hopefully if I remember. Martin Mull shows up as Radio DJ (who has a ponytail!). Yep Colonel Mustard from the Clue movie just pops up just for the fucking hell of it. Larraine Newman and Harvey Korman play the President and First Lady in a Turbo Man segment that opens up the movie and I just love the fact that despite they don't even say anything someone was still like WE NEED HEDLEY FROM BLAZING SADDLES AND ONE OF THE ORIGINAL SNL CAST FOR THIS SCENE!!! Yeardly Smith hits on Arnold in the movie! WE GET TO HEAR THE SWEET HEAVENLY VOICE OF CURTIS ARMSTRONG. This movie was clearly casted by me. Again tumbling backwards through time. So I guess time travel DOES get invented!

I figure I should talk about the movie's director because he has a really really weird career. The man's name is Brian Levant. He wrote for The Jeffersons, Happy Days and Mork and Mindy. He then directed Problem Child 2 in 1991. Then Beethoven in 1992. Then the Flintstones movie in 1994. Then this movie. Then came a sequel to the Flintstones movie. Snow Dogs.  A  Jackie Chan movie. Two of the five live action Scooby Doo movies (Yes. they made five of them.  No I have not seen all of them.) and A Christmas Story 2. The man's career is the most "what the fuck the same person worked on all of this stuff" of all time. Good job Mr. Levant! 

You know those really big toys of the past. Like Cabbage Patch Dolls or Tickle Me Elmo and how some people got so fucking crazy over them. My dad saw ladies go insane over some Care Bears. He learned how dark and cruel humanity could be in that Zellers in 1984. This movie is about that. So this movie starts on December 23rd and a kid played by that kid from the Phantom Menace shows up and he gets really sad because his dad played by Arnold could not get to his karate belt ceremony in the night. Two days before Christmas and I'm thinking this couldn't be some kind of Christmas play or something else? Like I could probably not be so angry if my dad missed my Karate Belt Ceremony but I would be really angry if he missed me in a play. I didn't overcome my stage fright for you to MISS ME DAD!!!!!  Anyway the kid is angry and Arnold has to get him  back on his side. Arnold learns of Turbo Man today and his wife played by Rita Wilson reminds him that he should have already gotten one for their son. He has not. Turbo Man is the biggest toy of all time, ever

This causes a crazy ruckus of him trying to go to every toy store (just to be laughed at) so that he can find Turbo Man. He runs into another father played by Sinbad who also will do anyrthing to get the doll. He finds a group of Santas selling broken bootleg toys. He even tries to rob his neighbor and punches a damn reindeer right in the face! This movie is god damn bonkers! He ends up getting dressed up as Turbo Man and ends up showing his family that he truly does love them. In the dumbest way possible.

This movie has some of the goofiest weirdest comedy ever. It's all an incredible mess. Okay, Phil Hartman does his Phil Hartman things and is playing a guy who is clearly trying to get with Arnold's lady. His character does not feel like they should be in family friendly film. He just wants to hump Ms. Tom Hanks. Okay another thing about how weird and all over the place the comedy in this movie is. First off Arnold meets up with a cop and the cop makes him do some shit in the beginning of the movie causing him to be late to the karate ceremony (THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A CHILD'S LIFE!) . This cop also shows up a few more times. Arnold causing antics to him, like knocking down his bike. In one scene, in the radio station he takes a package from Sinbad who had pretended it was a bomb and it literally blows him up all Looney Tunes like. There are no more wacky cartoonish gags like that in the rest of the movie. I mean except like when Arnie flies around as Turbo Man, but still. I do not know what the comedic tone was going for but it was ALL OVER THE PLACE. It still made me laugh.

The only thing I don't like about this movie is it insisting that kids would not love a pink tiger voiced by Curtis Armstrong and would not want his toy. I would have wanted Turbo Man and all of his friends and enemies. You needed the whole damn set to play with the characters anyway! Anyway I've said enough about this movie. It's very stupid but I still had a lot of fun. It's probably the best Christmas movie I've reviewed and much better than the sequel. I do not know why I've seen more than zero Larry the Cable Guy movies.

NES Game Reviews #40: Flintstones Fists Against Formula One Racing.

 

I kinda don't want to go back to just small openings just yet, so I wanted to post a image of a Nintendo Power cover that had FLINTSTONES for the NES on it. You'd think they would rate a mention on the cover but nope. Neither did any of the other games I will be talking about today so I have to go with this poster from Nintendo Power, which lets me do my literal favorite thing is complain about the shit sucking fuckers who want to nickel and dime every single thing related to nostaliga. I mean I've kinda grown to hate seeing posters on walls because of shitty YouTubers, but here's the real deal. This guy took the poster out to sell it. He even admits it in the damn ebay listing I got this image from. So he can probably sell the magazine later. I'm amazed how much that annoyed me and how I had to mention it. Seriously if I somehow get the power to do so all of this stuff, even shit like fucking Stadium Events and Amazing Fantasy 15 will be at the give me twenty bucks for the whole lot price point. Like these guys wouldn't be able to say anything else. It would be amazing.

Anyway, I feel like talking about Nintendo Power and Video game magazines and I don't really care to make an entire post about them. So I will do it here because IT IS MY BLOG AND I CAN WRITE ALMOST 2,000 WORDS ON WHATEVER THE JESUS FUCKING HELL I WANT. Anyway I never had a subscription to Nintendo Power and I never ever saw any issues when they first came out. Seriously, not a single one, UNTIL issue 100. I remember buying that and letting a kid named Frankie borrow it and yep, I never saw it again. issue 100 is probably the point I would quit collecting Nintendo Powers if it were you know possible. I'm sorry but unless I become a millionaire of some sort would I start spending the prices people want for these magazines. I seriously, do not believe the first issue is now OMG RARE. I just cannot do it. I mean I never had the first isuse but I did have an issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly that talked about Yoshi's Story and that's interesting to me for two reasons. It involves what just might be the most god damn insulting moment of my life that didn't involve Mr. Shithead. Another kid, one of the cool kids. At least I thought he was cool, literally said WHILE I WAS THERE how he was going to get me to let me borrow his magazine and he was just oging to keep it because it had Resident Evil 2 things in it. Yeah, I was a weird kid. Yeah I was in SPECIAL ED but Jesus fucking Harold Christ I deserved at least enough respect for you to not TALK ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING TO STEAL MY MAGAZINE IN EAR SHOT. Oh and how Yoshi's Story was so easy and disappointing. You do not need a magazine to beat that game. Hell you do not even need a fucking pulse of any kind. It's really sad.

Anyway I once got like thirty-forty Nintendo Powers for so cheap that it made it worth it to get them all. I don't remember where or when but I just had to have them at that point. I do remember reading them all so much they got torn to shit and I have maybe three of them left. I don't know if I can say I have three. I loved reading them over and over again. It was so cool. NES/SNES era Nintendo Powers. I might actually want to collect Nintendo Power. Not today. I got some Nintendo Powers recently as in a like a year or so ago and I just realized after buying all of them for $10 EACH that one of them had no back cover. Amazing what time does. Now we can finally review some NES games. I promise next time it will be a very short opening.

I made a mistake within the last post in this blog post series. The last game was supposed to be this and not Flight of the Intruder but for whatever reason that game fits better for that post so I'm going to keep it. It's not like I'm going to forget a game. If any games get dropped or forgotten I will go back to them like I will for the Power Pad games. You will see way too many NES reviews. Anyway this is not a very good game but it was made between 1985 and 1987. I mean okay this game was finally brought over in 1989 but it's really a 1987 release and I cannot get to angry at a game that was made that early. For the most part. I'm not going to be too happy with most of the NES Black Box sports games. Anyway this game is probably going to end up in the bad category because it's not good but a lot of people get angry at this game and I really can't. This game has not very good graphics, not very good sound. It can be either really really hard or incredibly easy. It feels like the game's enemies and bosses can either be trapped and beaten easily or they will trap and beat you easily. Anyway you are better off watching the anime or reading the manga instead of playing this game. I know they made a ton of sequels and I never bothered to play any of them.

They made a surprisingly amount of Retro games based around Hanna Barbera things but most of the games made for the NES, SNES and Genesis were made around three properties. The Flintstones, The Jetsons and Scooby Doo. I have mentioned before how I was never a really big fan of two of those shows. They were just kinda bland and this is coming from someone who watched a lot of Hanna Barbera and look upon them fondly. I was never a fan of the Flintstones. It was on the list of "Whatever" Shows. Ones you'd go "whatever" and watch. I don't remember a lot about the Flintstones. However I really like the video game platformer games based around the Flintstones. I really remember playing and renting the SNES game a LOT and think it's still pretty good. I mean addmitetly I have a huge wild ass boner for platformer games in general, regardless of what license you put on it. This is a simple fun game game made by Taito. The game looks like the cartoon. the music is good. and I like how they even put in mini games and everything. I just like platformers and I think this is a well made one. 

Yes, it's another rare game. Yes you know what that means because I will always do this until I am done with every game (I am also thinking about putting in Europe only games too but who knows how old I will be when I am done) and that's complain about how most of these games are not that rare. First off I do not believe this game was a blockbuster only rental thing at this point. For two reasons. Yeah Flintstone had some marquee value in 1994, definitely more than it has now but not enough for Blockbuster to go HOLY SHIT YES WE NEED THIS AND ONLY US. The second reason is look at that date for the games release. 1994 was the final year that licensed games were released for the NES. In 1994 they put out 11 Licensed games and 1 Unlicnesed game (at least according to some website I just found) and no Blockbuster isn't screaming NO ONE OF THESE LAST GAMES MUST BE OURS. I could MAYBE see if the entire internet was saying the SNES Taito Flintstones game was blockbuster only but I will never believe, unless GOD HIMSELF FLIES DOWN FROM THE FUCKING HEAVENS AND TELLS ME HIMSELF that Flintstones Surprise at Dinosaur Peak was a Blockbuster exclusive. Nintendoage can kiss my ass on that one. Also the price for most copies of this game come out to over 1,000 dollars. One entire fucking grand for a old ass Video game based on an even older ass cartoon series.  Seriously you can't spend that money as a normal person. Sorry you are now rich if you can spend that on ONE VIDEO GAME. Like I don't know what my mother would think if I somehow spent that on ONE THING even if I did save up for it. I would never spend this much for a NES game because I hate to break it to the people who want to somehow make this their investment for money making. These games will end up being plastic coasters that will not work. Finally I have finished bitching about shit heads who have ruined collecting everything because they don't want to learn how the fucking god damn stock market works like a fucking actual adult who does investing of things and now I can talk about this game. If you like the original game and I do then this is a new group of levels and characters to play and fight. This game is a bit harder than the original and the last stage is a bitch. I like the inclusion of being to play as Barney as he moves differently than Fred and I just think everything like music, play control, level design, mini games and everything you want in a platformer to be r eally done well in this game. It's not worth over one thousand dollars and people who invest into video games, comics and all kinds of stupid nerd shit should get run over by a sherman tank. Fuck you all you all.

You might be wondering why I put both of these games here and I'm doing ot for one reason and one reason only. I legit forget which of these games is which. They are very similar. One of them is the sequel to the other and I forget which is which. I think Flying Dragon is the original and the sequel is Flying Warriors. I think Flying Dragon was mostly a platformer with a few one on one fights and Flying Warriors was the one with mostly one on one fights. I remember both of them being pretty alright, yeah I spent $10 at the flea market and got two NES games and if I had spent a penny more I would be disappointed. They were literally $5 at the Flea Market good. Just the barest minimum of Good, not okay, not bad. Just barely getting to that Good level. I just remember being like yeah I enjoy playing these games but for whatever reason I don't care enough to put in the time to actually beat them. I really should but who knows. I just put them both here because there's just enough to discuss with both of these very similar games and they are both good enough for one paragraph. Sorry not sorry.

a few posts ago I talked about Ferrari Grand Prix and was actually talking about this game. I got them mixed up. This is a game where you build your car up and changes shit. I really should have noticed something was up when I saw that Ferrari was made by Acclaim and not Seta who made like 5 games for the NES and I don't know if they even did make any more for the Game boy or the SNES. They were like yeah this video game making thing is not for us and just went off to do something else. I really do not know. Anyway this is actually a review of Ferrari Grand Prix which is..........fine. It is clearly one of the racing games they want you to put effort into figuring out how it moves and not just Rad Racer where you plug it in and just race to the end of the stage in the time allotted. I just much prefer the Rad Racer style. Will I one day fix this mistake and put the reviews where they are supposed to be, maybe but that day will not be today because I am EHHHHHHHHHHHH TOO LAZY. 

Another six games down. SEVERAL HUNDRED LEFT TO GO. Anyway here are the rankings of Good, Bad, Okay and WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE

Good Games:115

Bad Games: 82

Okay Games: 29

Impatient baby might be whatever: 3

NES Game Reviews #39: Firey Final Fantasy Origins with Way Too Many Tangents.

 I should use Nintendo Power covers for some posts to keep it different from just all Ads. It also works for when I can't find an ad for any of the six games or whatever. Anyway I'm going to do something a bit different for the time and tell you beautiful scamps a story. This is the story of how I got back into the ol' NES. It was 1996 and I was eleven years of age and I was excited for the Christmas of this year. This was the year the NINTENDO 64 was to come out.  It was going to be AMAZING and FANTASTICAL and all of those things. I remember getting the N64 and Mario 64 (what a shit thing for Nintendo to do at that era and not package that game with the system. Jerks) and that was my big gift for that year. I remember waiting anxiously for my cousin to come down so he could hook up the N64. My parents who my sister and I probably woke up way too early did not feel like hooking up the Nintendo and I guess they were too worried that I would break the TV or the console. Waiting for him to come was still the longest feeling hour or whatever of my life. Like it was agonizing. I HAD to play Mario 64. HAD TOO. My cousin and his family finally showed up (which looking back on it was so weird that they did that as we usually went to THEIR house, wild how you realize how weird something is when you look back on it) and he hooked it up and one of the greatest disappointments in my short life happened. I wasn't really enjoying Mario 64. This got me thinking about all the SNES games I enjoyed and even the Genesis games I got to play and then I ended up thinking of the earliest games I had played in my life which were the NES games. I suddenly wanted a NES again. I wanted to play Mega Man 2 and Adventure Island again. I needed this to happen. The "friend" I mentioned in other posts had a NES (my original NES was fed cheese by my Sister and uh it wasn't working after that. I am still pissed about that JESSICA.) 

Anyway this story is so long that It's gonna take two paragraphs to really get through. The thing is I wanted his NES and MY games (I am not going to say I gave those games away willingly. I am sure he bullied me into giving them to him. I literally have one positive memory with this person. This kid literally did whatever he could to do awful things to every single person he could. If there's a text book defintation of what Anti-Social actually is it was this kid. Literally knowing him was what made me the person I am today. All of my shitty, shitty mental problems go back to him. It's weirdly nice to have this SAFE SPACE (oh no) to talk about these things. I uh will get back to the NES stuff. He wanted $100 for the NES (and the games I am sure he bullied me out of. I would have probably given them all to many other kids I knew instead, or maybe even sold them if none were interested in 1993 or whenever my sister shoved a lot of cheese into my NES. She thought it was hungry. IT'S NOT A LIVING THING JESSICA. Anyway it might have been a weirdly high amount of money then (seriously I get the feeling that if I had offered $25 to any other person they would have jumped on it. I don't even think he really cared that much about the money, I seriously think he liked to watch me squirm as he knew I wanted this stuff.) However my mother was not for it in any way. If I wanted this I would have to save up every nickel and dime I wanted for it. However this was not going to be the end of the story. In fact we apparently need a third paragraph. Holy moly. I promise I will get to some reviews.

Anyway something happened that I do not want to get into that just pushed me over the edge and I stopped spending time with this kid at all. However my mother had finally found someone who had a NES and several horrendous video games. I mean they had Super Mario Brothers and Snow Brothers and GHOSTBUSTERS AND X-MEN. I know portnoyd will go LOL SNOW BROTHERS IS BAD I HATE IT AND YOU SHOULD TOO but seriously compared to the other two Non-Mario games it is a fucking masterpiece. Like those were the four games (and Duck Hunt) that I had for a good amount of time. Like I am seriously amazed I decided to stick with the ol' NES when what I had was fucking X-Men and Ghostbusters. (Sorry to spoil those reviews for you.) I also still find it fucking hysterical (and really annoying) that Snow Brothers was one of the games I got. It shows how little people cared about NES games in the late 1990s. Anyway, I then found out people online were talking about the NES (I had found out about emulation and would play NES games on the computer. Had I not fount NESticle and seen how many actually fun NES games were out there I can guarentee to you that I would not have become a collector because fucking X-Men would have driven me to have thrown the damn NES out the window and been done with it. Anyway, I found people who I still talk to this day. About NES. You'd think by this point I'd have gone to play newer game systems because really at this point I somehow beat X-Men for the NES. You'd think I'd had have my fill of the NES, but nope. Still talking about that silly grey old box. I guess if I went through all this to get it I was REALLY going to have my fill with it. Anyway, let's get to the six game reviews. Sadly this barf of paragraphs is what will be really what will be talked about by port because wow this group of games are not great.

Now we get to an actual game, one of two that I actually really want to talk about. Seriously there's a reason I wrote those four paragraphs, it's about two games out of the six that are really worth discussing. This is the best turn based RPG on the NES. It is really the only one I feel that actually has held up in any way. I remember getting a copy of this (for I think $5) at some random old flea market. I also remember playing it and beating Garland and literally I guess believing I beat it or something because I no joke got rid of it. I had played stuff like Chrono Trigger at this time but I guessed an RPG on the NES was just really really short. Anyway I traded it away to someone in the OLD NES SCENE who lived in the same province as I did. I think I got Castlevania 2 for it. I then bought another copy and realized there was a lot more to this game than I thought, or I actually found out where to go (I ended up finding the Nintendo Power #17 that is pictured way above War and Peace II up there and I had a ball just playing through it and just really enjoying this game. I feel it holds up very well and I like it. I also like that they called it Final Fantasy because this game really was Square's final attempt to make a hit game. Rad Racer didn't really do it. Kings Knight is uh, we will get to that when we get to it, but this game really was a hit and a series with Final in the title really became HUGE. I think there are like 15 games in this franchise now and who knows how many spin offs? It's very funny to me. 

So, remember when I talked about I think Big Bird Hide and Speek and I was like this is a well made well thought out game if you are below the age of six. It set out what you wanted they wanted to do and was well done for pre schoolers/kindergarten age kids. The second you got into the first grade you were like "no I'll play Ninja Turtles instead". There is nothing here for an adult, but I still do not feel right calling this game a piece of hot shit garbage trash poop because it was intended for very small children who were below the age of six whenever this game came out. I cannot say if these would be good for small children today or if they would enjoy them because small children today get really into Ipads and watching shitty videos on Ipads and play shitty games. I really would be the ogre dad that would not let a child today have an Ipad and I did not want to be the IM ANGRY THAT CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT THAN I WAS A CHILDREN but I don't think it works very well. No matter the quality of the actual tv shows I watched as children were I felt like I learned something or they had some kind of narrative that worked well. I also feel the video games, even the simple ass arcade games at least gave me some kind of hand-eye coordination. Ipad stuff just feels so wrong to me. I don't know why I bothered to bring that up but Jesus Christ it's fucking Fisher Price. What the hell were you expecting? There's only so much any human being can say about fucking Fisher Price.

Most people will say Mega Man II is the best sequel on the NES because of how much it improves on Mega Man. However I disagree. Mega Man II is an improvement on Mega Man but Mega Man is still pretty good. Fire N Ice is however the best sequel on the NES. Fire N Ice improves on Solomon's Key so much better. The game's character controls so much better and faster and honestly the puzzles you do just work SO much better in this game. I guess people just forget about Solomon's Key or that this game is a sequel to Solomon's Key because this is a OMG RARE!!!! RARE!!!! THIS IS A RARE GAME AND I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ITS RARITY AND NOT HOW ITS ACTUALLY WELL MADE AND FUN AND A GREAT SEQUEL! Well, I'm going to piss on Youtubers who just seem to pick up collector stuff so that they can be a success on YouTube instead of actually really being into this crap and say this game was found by me IN NEWFOUNDLAND. In FACT I am pretty sure I RAN ACROSS SEVERAL COPIES OF THIS GAME IN NEWFOUNDLAND. The second something is found in Newfoundland it no longer can be considered Rare, just Uncommon. Sorry, YouTube jerks I used to watch before I realized none of them really seem to care that much about this stuff but being POPULAR YOUTUBE GUYS instead. Good lord this is one hell of a saucy post that portnoyd will have a lot to comment on. I guess I owned him a large comment over the Scream post where I'm sure he hasn't even seen a single one of those movies.

Oh cool. Another Fisher Price game. This means I am going to talk about something entirely different that is on my frazzled weird brain that has 8302 completely different things going on within it right now. I am going to complain about politics. I am not going to complain about the conservatives that get angry when a new piece of media shows a black person or a gay person or whatever. No, this time I'm going to complain about the left wingers. I saw some meme about Harry Potter and I must admit that I am not a Harry Potter fan and nor will I ever try. JK Rowling is not really terribly big on Trans people and seems to be spending Harry Potter money on just doing not so swell things to change laws that make it harder for them. I cannot say I like that, however brow beating human beings who like Harry Potter is not the answer. I am sorry but brow beating human beings in general does not work. No one likes to be yelled at for liking something. NO ONE. I AM BOLDING ALL OF THIS BECAUES IF YOU SOMEHOW READ THIS BLOG POST I WANT THIS TO GET INTO YOUR HEAD. ALSO HERE'S ANOTHER THING MAYBE THE HARRY POTTER FAN YOU ARE BROW BEATING INTO SUBMISSION DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT JK ROWLING IS DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT TERMINALLY ONLINE ALL THE DAMN TIME. I AM JUST TIRED OF LEFT WINGERS AND RIGHT WINGERS HOLDING NOSTALIGA AND FANDOM AND SHIT LIKE THAT PRISONER  PEOPLE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ETHICALLY SOURCE THEIR FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT.. Oh, and Firehouse Rescue works as a game for a four year old in 1991. Or whenever the hell the game came out.

Hey cool. Yet another "This is a game that exists" kinda game. The worst kind of game to talk about for this thing. This game just feels like they put in the bare minimum. I even like a bunch of Codemasters/Camerica stuff. It is an over the top shooter game. You have to go find survivors and bring them back to a ship. The controls are really stiff and weird which is really the worst part of this game. However I cannot get angry at this game. It's like getting angry at a bowl of oatmeal and not even fancy oatmeal. Like the oatmeal your great great great great granpa ate in like 1821 or whenever the fuck your great great great great grandpa was alive. This game doesn't really do anything all that well but other than the controls its not that awful either. I guess the change to front facing scene when you save the survivor and you have to shoot some planes trying to kill him and you. It's just something you've seen done better in retro games. It's a game that exists and you forget does even exist. That's all I can say about Fire Hawk.

Oh good another game that I really have nothing to say about. I am pretty sure I played this game but I honest to God could be wrong because It's just another TOP GUN STYLE GAME (apparently based on a movie that has Danny Glover, Tom Sizemore, Willem Dafoe and Roseanna Arquette in it, yet I don't believe I had heard of it and I know of like 2402 weirdo B-movies that came out in the same year!) This was based on the book that the movie was based on. Or based on the movie that the book was a basis for. I don't know and I don't care. There is ONE game that is like this that I really want to give a good honest try too and I'll mention it when I get to it. I just find the rest of these games to be the most boring shit imaginable. Watching every single Casper cartoon is a more exicting prospect then ever playing any of these games. I do not know what it is but I just go into ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ mode whenever any of these games come up and this one is no different.

Good Games: 111

Bad Games: 81

Okay Games: 29

Games that Might be Better If I weren't an Impatient Child: 3

Let's Rank and Thus Review The Scream Franchise!

 

Can I say that I do not get Funko Pops. I do not get the people who collect them because I just find them to be weirdly boring and the dead eyes they have just suck the charm out of whatever is being turned into a Funko Pop. I do not get the people who really truly hate them because they feel so boring and banal. It's like getting angry at your grandma's porridge. There's nothing there. I do not know why I made this the main image of this post. Anyway, I liked ranking the Nightmare On Elm Street movies so much I decided to do it again where I review every movie in a series and rank them. I wondered what series to pick for the second post, so many of them are just so much longer now. I wanted to do the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then I realized I would have to watch too many poor movies for that. I decided to pick Scream because there are six of them and it is connected to Wes Craven as he directed four of the six films. So that's what it would be.

My parents, as I mentioned in the Nightmare On Elm Street post did not let me see horror movies until it was literally the one thing that would get me to go back home after I had an asthma attack and they wanted me to be near the better hospital in our province. Closer ot home for all that. So they were like "fine rent those stupid movies" and you'd better believe your sweet bippy that I did. I rented them all. All of them. Well, no not really as there are a lot of horror movies and you can't really rent them anymore. But I did rent a lot of them. This was in like 1995 which means I was ten years old and on the ground floor for the Scream series and remember watching Urban Legend at thirteen in 1998 instead of I dunno Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century or whatever terrible DiC cartoon was being made at the time. Still Scream was a huge deal in the late 20th century and even into the 21st. I remember the Joblo Movie Forums where people would argue over it being a good movie or not. The fact that I decided to rewatch six movies means that I like these movies pretty well. I just miss forums man. We could just have fun regardless of if we liked something or not. Moderation really did make the internet not shitty.

Scream 3 the end of the original trilogy of films is the worst of the bunch. I cannot give a movie written by Satan aka Ehren Kruger any higher than last. Ehren Kruger first off cannot even spell his first name correctly. It's Aaron, bro. Secondly he wrote three of Michael Bay's Transformers movies.  This movie is really stupid. First off Ghostface now has a voice changer that can change into ANY VOICE. That's a plot Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century would turn down for being to stupid. It then just ends up being weird and convoluted. Apparently Sidney's mom Maureen Prescott was apart of Hollywood where she was sexually assaulted and that gave her a son that she then turned away. That son is the Ghostface for this movie and my God he is a whiney little baby of a man. I hate this guy so much. So, so much. Anyway this movie still has some good points. Courtney Cox, David Arquette and Neve Campbell step back into their roles so easily and are still great to watch. I also loved Parkey Posey who plays Gale Wathers within the meta movie Stab 3. Oh, this movie also has David Putty in it and I love seeing him actually show up in things. He is a bodyguard and he calls Dewey Dewdrop which is like such a douche thing to do. David Putty was so good at being a douche. I don't hate this movie unlike those terrible terrible Transformers movie but this one is still pretty stupid and clearly the worst of the whole franchise.

Scream's first Legacy Sequel. Sorta. Yeah, in 2011 Scream got a sequel after 11 years. This one talks a little bit about the Torture Porn stuff that was being made during the 11 years Scream was away. They also talk a lot about remakes between this time and how none of the old rules mean anything. And how uh, being gay is the only way to really survive. I really don't know this era of Horror very well but I cannot think of many gay characters from this era. A new character named Kirby lists off like 820 remakes to answer one of Ghostface's questions and while I'm pretty sure I saw each and every one of those remakes (I like horror movies what of it) I cannot remember most of those movies and I certainly don't remember a gay character getting to live because they were gay. I know this sounds silly but the "rules" these movies came up with made sense and you could be like yeah that works for like 2852908 horror movies they were satirizing. It just doesn't seem to work very well here. Oh well, despite all that the plot is pretty good. the people who end up being Ghostface make sense and the returning characters are all still lovable. A good way for Wes Craven to go out on and way better than Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century. I'm going to see if I can force a reference to that show into each paragraph.

Isn't it weird how the earlier chapters of this series are lower than the newer ones. I mean this is a nostaliga blog where I talk about everything from the past being so great and I complain about so many remakes and sequels but I honestly really liked the two newer Scream movies. I guess I have to suprise you people sometimes. Not everything from the past was good. I mean just look at Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century. This movie is very well done. It actually has my favorite suspense scene in the entire franchise. It's a scene where they have to get out of a car and crawl over Ghostface who is passed out in the front seat. I also liked a lot of the hints they put throughout the movie on who the killer could be. Like when Jamie Kennedy (who plays Randy Meeks and has really weird ears. Unlike Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century) is killed you can look in the camera in the van and it gives you a hint of who to think is behind it. I enjoyed watching this one again

I'm going to talk about these two together because they are honestly tied for second place. Yep, I know this is wild but I just went to reddit for some reason (It's good for finding pornography and nothing else) and they were all so angry at the idea of one of the new characters being the daughter of Billy Loomis (one of the killers in the original movie) and how that really messed her up and I think that works fine. I actually really quite like it. I enjoyed watching Billy Loomis talk to her in scenes, even bringing back that lovable scamp Skeet Ulrich. They also complained about Dewey dying and man, one of those three characters just had to get it this time. Them surviving everything under the sun started to become comical by the third movie. It doesn't hurt that I think this Sam Carpenter lady is very cute and I would like to kiss her. I would not like to kiss Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century. I like the new characters alot and feel like the returning characters were brought in pretty well and treated fairly. I mean Sidney doesn't show up in the sixth movie because behind the scenes they didn't want to give her money and I'm like bros don't be sassing poor ol' Neve Campbell! SHE IS A CANADIAN TREASURE AND YOU WILL RESPECT AND LOVE HER!  I also love the relationship between Sam and Tara as sisters, and how they make these two movies havea  theme of family. I like it and I like these movies. They have some great scary scenes in them. Like the one on the Subway in part 6. I alsoi like how these movies just sass the hardcore lunatics that happen to be fans of things. Holy hell guys stop crying over these things man. STOP BEING WEIRDOS.

It's hard to tell people who weren't around for this how big a deal this movie was. It was HUGE. Like slashers and hell honestly horror in general was kind of a downfall in the 1990s. From like 1978 to 1990 you could find slashers to watch and all kinds of horror movies to wtach. It stopped being like that in the early 90s. I mean they were still there but it was at least half as what it was in the late 1980s. This movie however brought it back IN SPADES. So many movies with SEXY TEENS (actually people in their 20s and 30s) made for cinema by big companies and for tv and for direct to video and it was insane and I loved it all. I love this era for Horror. The Scream era I like to call it. I really wish Kevin Williamson would get to write stuff that isn't Scream again. The Faculty and Teaching Miss Tingle rule. The characters in this movie feel the most real and entertaining. I love the little interactions between pretty much all of the characters. I also think that Billy Loomis really really really was sick of Stu's shit and couldn't want to kill him in the end of the movie. I think Matthew Lillard is hilarious in this movie and Quinten Tarantino can kiss it. "MY MOM AND DAD ARE GOING TO BE SO MAD AT ME!" Great stuff. Great movie. That opening with Drew Barrymore is NUTS and none of the sequels could ever top it.  Uh. I have never actually seen an episode of Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century.