Saturday June 10th, 2023. That was the day I posted my final Movie Review. I would write mini reviews from then at random times and hell I still might to mini reviews for movies that I wanna talk about that just don't have enough for a full review. Anyway I mention that because it was on the Phantom Menace. I still think it's a piece of shit but since then I did see Attack of the Clones and I will give you my review right here so you get two reviews in one. It Stinks. I just don't care about Star Wars beyond the original trilogy and I just do not care if I ever see Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. I can live the rest of my life and enter the grave and never see that movie and I'll be happy. I do not know why I'm bringing this shit up but anyway. I decided to bring back the Movie Reviews because I want to try to post AT LEAST 20 times a month on this blog this coming January. If I can pull out more that's great but I want twenty posts that I can look at and go "OK, this is not awful and I think I conveyed my points across very well" and I picked Jingle All the Way because I honestly was not sure If I ever saw the movie before. I mean I probably had. I was alive in the 1990s and the movie was a big thing. I just can't remmeber a single thing about it so I figured that's a good reason to watch or rewatch something. What did I think?
Jingle All the Way is a really really really really really fucking stupid movie. It's incredibly stupid. It's also incredibly entertaining. I like the number of "Oh hey it's that guy" that show up in this movie. There's Arnie. He's not really a that guy. Neither is Sinbad, or Phil Hartman. However just about everyone else really is. First off Robert Conard of Wild Wild West fame (not the movie with WILLARD SMITH, I mean the original TV show) plays a cop that I will bring up later hopefully if I remember. Martin Mull shows up as Radio DJ (who has a ponytail!). Yep Colonel Mustard from the Clue movie just pops up just for the fucking hell of it. Larraine Newman and Harvey Korman play the President and First Lady in a Turbo Man segment that opens up the movie and I just love the fact that despite they don't even say anything someone was still like WE NEED HEDLEY FROM BLAZING SADDLES AND ONE OF THE ORIGINAL SNL CAST FOR THIS SCENE!!! Yeardly Smith hits on Arnold in the movie! WE GET TO HEAR THE SWEET HEAVENLY VOICE OF CURTIS ARMSTRONG. This movie was clearly casted by me. Again tumbling backwards through time. So I guess time travel DOES get invented!
I figure I should talk about the movie's director because he has a really really weird career. The man's name is Brian Levant. He wrote for The Jeffersons, Happy Days and Mork and Mindy. He then directed Problem Child 2 in 1991. Then Beethoven in 1992. Then the Flintstones movie in 1994. Then this movie. Then came a sequel to the Flintstones movie. Snow Dogs. A Jackie Chan movie. Two of the five live action Scooby Doo movies (Yes. they made five of them. No I have not seen all of them.) and A Christmas Story 2. The man's career is the most "what the fuck the same person worked on all of this stuff" of all time. Good job Mr. Levant!
You know those really big toys of the past. Like Cabbage Patch Dolls or Tickle Me Elmo and how some people got so fucking crazy over them. My dad saw ladies go insane over some Care Bears. He learned how dark and cruel humanity could be in that Zellers in 1984. This movie is about that. So this movie starts on December 23rd and a kid played by that kid from the Phantom Menace shows up and he gets really sad because his dad played by Arnold could not get to his karate belt ceremony in the night. Two days before Christmas and I'm thinking this couldn't be some kind of Christmas play or something else? Like I could probably not be so angry if my dad missed my Karate Belt Ceremony but I would be really angry if he missed me in a play. I didn't overcome my stage fright for you to MISS ME DAD!!!!! Anyway the kid is angry and Arnold has to get him back on his side. Arnold learns of Turbo Man today and his wife played by Rita Wilson reminds him that he should have already gotten one for their son. He has not. Turbo Man is the biggest toy of all time, ever
This causes a crazy ruckus of him trying to go to every toy store (just to be laughed at) so that he can find Turbo Man. He runs into another father played by Sinbad who also will do anyrthing to get the doll. He finds a group of Santas selling broken bootleg toys. He even tries to rob his neighbor and punches a damn reindeer right in the face! This movie is god damn bonkers! He ends up getting dressed up as Turbo Man and ends up showing his family that he truly does love them. In the dumbest way possible.
This movie has some of the goofiest weirdest comedy ever. It's all an incredible mess. Okay, Phil Hartman does his Phil Hartman things and is playing a guy who is clearly trying to get with Arnold's lady. His character does not feel like they should be in family friendly film. He just wants to hump Ms. Tom Hanks. Okay another thing about how weird and all over the place the comedy in this movie is. First off Arnold meets up with a cop and the cop makes him do some shit in the beginning of the movie causing him to be late to the karate ceremony (THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A CHILD'S LIFE!) . This cop also shows up a few more times. Arnold causing antics to him, like knocking down his bike. In one scene, in the radio station he takes a package from Sinbad who had pretended it was a bomb and it literally blows him up all Looney Tunes like. There are no more wacky cartoonish gags like that in the rest of the movie. I mean except like when Arnie flies around as Turbo Man, but still. I do not know what the comedic tone was going for but it was ALL OVER THE PLACE. It still made me laugh.
The only thing I don't like about this movie is it insisting that kids would not love a pink tiger voiced by Curtis Armstrong and would not want his toy. I would have wanted Turbo Man and all of his friends and enemies. You needed the whole damn set to play with the characters anyway! Anyway I've said enough about this movie. It's very stupid but I still had a lot of fun. It's probably the best Christmas movie I've reviewed and much better than the sequel. I do not know why I've seen more than zero Larry the Cable Guy movies.
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