The Comic Review #95: Spider Man Clone-Saga Story Blood Brothers (1996)

 

Well, it's time to review another comic book. Honestly I'm in a Spider-Man mood because he's my favorite hero and I want to discuss some things. I have read the majority of Spider-Man comics made between the 1960s days of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko and the 1990s. I would like to read up until the comics did the dumbest thing ever and had him give up his marriage to the devil. That story just ruined any Spider-Man comic after that and until they fix it I will not buy any Spider-Man comics. The only ones I've bought between 2007 and now is a run that I thought was going to fix that awful mistake. It's the dumbest dumbest thing anyone has done to any hero. It also makes no sense because Satan or his stand in Mephisto WILL WANT TO CHEAT YOU. SATAN IS NOT YOU AGREE WITH. SWEET BABY JESUS. So it's time to discuss an older Spider-Man story.

Anyway, the biggest story from the Spider-Man era that I haven't read in full yet is......The Spider-Man Clone Saga. A story I remember picking up pieces of as a kid. I have mentioned before that I liked to pick up my comics from a little used book store chain in our city. They had three locations and I would be so happy when I would get to go to any of them. I would buy some old Spider Man comics and a Garfield/Charlie Brown/Bloom County/Calvin and Hobbes/etc book too. It was always a great Sunday when we could do that. Sometimes issues would show up at our Sobeys but it seemed to be very erratic.  You'd get one issue at one store but the other at another store and some would get sold out very quickly and you'd get shit. It was annoying until I found a comic book store in our town. We had like two and I never knew about either until I was (legally) an adult. 

So I haven't read all of the Spider-Man Clone Saga. At the beginning of this blog I would start a group of posts about random Spider-Man comics I had not read yet. I would type a paragraph about them and move on. I read the first half or so of Spider-Man's Clone Saga (his second Clone Saga...) and honestly enjoyed a decent amount of it. Yeah, some of it was really really really goofy and stupid. A lot of it was really goofy and stupid but it was still fun and exciting and I enjoyed the "brother" angle between both Spider-Men. I dunno, I'd read this stuff over what they are currently doing, I keep tabs on what's happening and wow it sounds really dumb. I don't like to judge things I haven't read myself but I also really don't want to read these new Spider-Man comics. They are the wrong kind of dumb. 

Anyway, let's get to the story! They packed this first part to the damn GILLS. I don't even know what that saying means really but holy hell they got a lot of stuff in here. You get some intrigue involving a skeleton that was YET ANOTHER CLONE of Peter Parker?!?! And J.Jonah Jameson has pictures of it! And Spider-Man in there too! from PETER PARKER?!? Also with Ben Reilly he works at the Daily Grind and I liked these characters. They were a fun bunch. He has a girlfriend named Jessica who finds out he's Spider-Man in this issue! And gets a picture of him as Spider-Man! Holy hot hannah! Peter Parker doesn't trust Seward Trainer who is Ben's friend and also did the test on him that "proved" Peter Parker was the clone. I'll say this, Pete's right not to trust Seward!!! I did actually read the story on how this all concludes! Reading comic books the way we used to was wild! 

Alright, now holy shit this second issue was even more insane. Peter Parker (who has no powers at this point for some reason) and MJ have a child on the way. MJ wants to go back to Portland and leave all this. Peter still wants to find out whos behind it all. Whats up with the skeleton and I can't really blame him ya know? I'd certainly want to know what up with it.  Jessica the lady who is dating Ben and found out he was Spider-Man is also the daughter of the Burglar who killed Uncle Ben! DRAMA! Peter and MJ gets taken in by this group of 1990s losers with like 85% of CYBERNETIC ENHANCEMENTS! They are the corniest group of losers ever to appear in a comic book. I don't even want to remember their names, I'm just saying that I'll be surprised if they ever comic back after this six part story.  We also see Seward Trainer with one of the big bad guys involved with the Clone Saga. A guy called Gaunt. He has to wear more CYBERNETIC ENHANCEMENTS except I think he looks cool and a better design than the other goobers. He says he likes his CYBERNETIC ENHANCEMENT SUIT but would also like for Seward Trainer's machines to bring him back to full life. He turns out to be the Robot Master, a Spider-Man bad guy no one but me would remember. Not even Steve Ditko or that other guy. Anyway this story ends with the entire Daily Grind being BLOWN THE FUCK UP.

Someone is trying to set up Ben Reilly and he thinks its Jessica Carradine (OH MY GOD THE BURGLAR THAT KILLED UNCLE BEN WAS DAVID CARRADINE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!) and even fights with her! He then goes to look for Seward Trainer just to find CELL-12 the goobers from the last comic. He beats the absolute shit out of all of them. Like barely causing a sweat. It turns out they worked for The Hobgoblin and The Hobgoblin was behind everything that's been happening to Peter and Ben at the moment. The Hobgoblin, or this version of the Hobgoblin had a weird life. He started as the Second Hobgoblin. Became attached to a Demon (one that escaped and became Demogoblin) got all crazy Jesus-y religious. Became a mercenary again. They really had no idea what to do with him as a character but I can't deny that I love this Hobgoblin and he reminds me of the early days of my comic reading. Ahh Jason Macendale, you could never catch a break and when the original Hobgoblin came back, it was time to say goodbye. He has some cool CYBERNETIC ENHANCEMENTS. Anyway, Hobgoblin beats the shit out of Ben Reilly and SEWARD TRAINER comes out and gets him to stop. Oh shit! What's up with that?!?

This issue has Ben going back to Jessica to try and apologize just to bring up the negatives of the picture she has of him which pisses HER off. Ben then realizes Peter is going to find out why Seward Trainer is doing this (he has a really stupid name and I do not like it) and it's just because Gaunt is forcing him too. The Hobgoblin (I almost called him the Hogoblin here which would be funny in a Spider-Ham comic) gets his ass handed too him and loses his glider that Peter has to get on. The Molten Man also learns of some sneaky stuff going on at OsCorp. Oh shit. Anyway Cell-12 show up and really get fucked up again. One of the guys actually kicks his own ass by cutting off the struts holding up the thing he was on. I am kinda starting to love these fucking morons. The next issue has them suspecting the Molten Man and Liz for some reason. Ben goes into a fight with the Molten Man which causes them to be captured by Gaunt who is going through the REBIRTH PROCESS. Anyway it's finally time to see how this story ends!

The story ends on a pretty good note. You get a wild ass fight between Gaunt and Spider-Man. You get Peter being heroic. You get the Molten Man (another Z list guy I love.). Of course the comic ends with them thinking that Seward Trainer and Gaunt are dead. Also during the comic Spider-Man believes that Gaunt may have been Harry Osborn and that was a neat idea by was nixed. Anyway that's the story. There's an epilogue which I will probably cover some other time. I think I might try to talk about more of the Spider Man Clone Saga of the 1990s.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Yeah, I like the Clone Saga. Piss off. I just know portnoyd is going to dump out his entire ass on the Clone Saga like a jerk. Cell-12 shows up in one more issue and then never again. Forgotten relics of the 1990s. Cybernetic Enhancements are still cooler than having someone in a trenchcoat just shoot the Lizard. Man that story still pisses me off.

The Adult Swim Watchalong Thing Part 11: Japanimation and Star Wars

 

Our Blockbuster called it's very small anime section Japanimation. I don't know when this was and I don't care enough to try to find out, but apparently that's what we would call it in the 1980s. in the 1990s anime took over as the main word but damnit Japanimation is cooler. I say we bring back Japanimation. Even though I have the least amount of power of any human being who's ever existed. You yes you reading this can do more to change things in this world and I think while Japanimation is a cool word, there are many many things more things to try to change. I do not know where I am going with this opening so let's pretend I didn't do it. Yeah. Like Bart Simpson in that one episode of the Simpsons. SIT PERFECTLY STILL PORTNOYD ONLY I MAY DANCE.

I know I started off this post talking about Japanimation and anime in that opening paragaph I asked everyone to forget about but I just gotta do Star Wars show that appeared on adult swim. I'mn literally trying to do the most shows from them. Anything that I can find. I do not really consider myself a Star Wars fan. I think George Lucas should have given up after the original three movies in the 1980s. Well make those janky ass games for the NES and SNES (sorry Damien but you know its kinda jank.) I just don't care otherwise. George Lucas also helped create Indiana Jones with Steven Spielberg and Willow. I honestly think it's pretty sad how he just went whole hog with Star Wars, the man could have something just as good as those first three movies in him that we won't see. I don't care about the Extended Universe or whatever it's called. I don't care about the prequels (I haven't even seen Revenge of the Sith and I don't think I ever will). I don't care about the sequels (haven't seen any of them). I just simply don't care. The story ended in 1983 and I'll eat a damn hat if this show makes me want to watch more of it. I have just watched this show and I just found it to be a complete bore. Okay I didn't watch the entire show just the first episode and I just don't care. I'll gladly re-watch the original movies with anyone or by my self but just don't ask me to join in on any other Star Wars related thing. I also really do not like the animation designs for this show. They do not look nice and I do not like looking at them. Anyway instead of Star Wars Extended Universe stuff I will watch REAL entertainment like Perfect Strangers, The Smoggies and Touched by an Angel. You might think I'm joking but I really probably will watch all of those shows episodes before I watch any more Star Wars stuff. 

Now we are going to talk about one of THE most popular things recently. It started in 1997 as a manga and has been still going on 28 years later. This literally must be the longest on-going story told by one person ever. That's pretty amazing. Pirates are weirdly underused in fiction. You had Pirates of Dark Water. Pirates of the Carribean. and this. I'm sure theres more but I cannot think of more right this now. But nerds go fucking ga-ga for this anime and well I can see why with just one episode. I am already hooked and know that I will either watch the anime or read the manga. Or maybe even both. I'm good enough to do both. I already think Monkey D Luffy is hilarious (the D stands for Danger) and it's better paced than the Star Wars thing I watched where Yoda just pisses around on a planet for one of those weird alien monsters from the Phantom Menace.

It's time for me to talk about a man who I used to talk to named calgone. I wish I could talk to him again. He was a fun rascal of a human being. Anyway, If I recall correctly he enjoyed this anime and would talk about it all the time. I never watched it because it wasn't as easy to get stuff back then in like 2003 or whatever. Still I always wanted to check it out and now I finally have the reason to do it. So let's see if I like it or not. And after finally watching it I can say I wish I had watched this sooner becuase holy Hanna-Barbera this is one hell of a way to start a show. It's about a bounty hunter (kinda like Cowboy Bebop. another show I get to rewatch a little bit for this series of blog posts) who gets himself caught up in one hell of an adventure! Seriously. The first episode itself is one hell of an adventure. I don't know where it's going but I am totally checking the rest of this out.

Now here is something I'm surprised I have not talked about before. I think I may have made a mention of it before but I am one big Sailor Moon fan. Sailor Moon is fucking awesome. It's hilarious, exicting, incredibly lovable characters and one pretty epic story all things considered. It's also got Romance. Romance is awesome. Anyway, this is something I was really into at one point in my life. I mean I still love it and am rewatching it I guess concurrently with One Piece (what can I say the show hooked me.) and it still works. Still I can remember coming home from a trip to the old SECOND PAGE BOOKSTORE with some comics and Garfield/Calvin and Hobbes/Bloom County/Charlie Brown books to read. It was a glorious time and to think tons of men my age denied themselves this glory. Thank god for being the weird kid that very few people would want to hang out with. Had anyone in my school known I watched this they would have made fun of me for it. They made fun of me for liking Teen Angel. Hell they just liked making fun of me. I thought I was in on the joke but no it was just vicous cruel mockery that still bothers me to this day. Very cool!  Anyway, don't let gender "rules" get you down and watch this show. Watch girlier shit (if it even exists. This i spretty girly) watch manly shit. Just be a human fuckin being and enjoy the works of other human fuckin beings regardless of whats in their pants. You just might learn some new things and become a more realized human being which no, is not an awful thing. Sailor Moon rules and more men should watch it. Charles Bronson movies rule and more women should watch them. I don't know where I am going with all of this so I will quit while I am ahead.

Well now, I must say adult swim picks some pretty good pieces of Japanese animation to show us all. Japan clearly is the coolest place in Asia. I am now off to watch over 1,000 episodes of anime Pirates doing anime things. I am a cool guy.

The Final Episode #128: Touched by An Angel (1994 - 2003)

 

A few days ago, I was looking through all of the older reviews. Trying to find out what I should re-do and what can be left alone. The first ten or so episodes really, really need to be re-done. It's not that they are terrible it's just the length of them. Some of them got like three paragraphs and I'm sorry but Transformers and Blossom deserve more than three damn paragraphs about them. Anyway I saw my Highway to Heaven review and looked at it and was reminded of this show. A show I never watched. A show that I'm sure no one I knew watched it. I was actually amazed to find out that this was a CBS show because I thought it was made by some religious tv group or something. 

It does make sense in a way that it is a CBS show because as a child that might have been my least watched tv channel. ABC had TGIF and One Saturday Morning. NBC had Unsolved Mysteries. Most of the stuff I watched were on Canadian speciality channels like YTV and Teletoon. All I watched on CBS was Cosby, Everybody Loves Raymond (I do not know why I watched this) and King of Queens (sorry port but Jerry Stiller is great in this as he is in everything he does). It's just Religious tv shows feel like they should have been on JESUS TV or something. I guess it was the time. Which kinda freaks me out. I seriously, seriously am kinda bothered that this show went into the 21st Century. It's really something that should have started in like 1989 and ended in 1997 or 1998. The fact I was (legally) an adult in 2003 and could watch this show. It just feels weird. A good amount of "wait that carried on into the 21st Century!??" 

Anyway sit around for the CLAWXBLOG PRESENTS CLAWX'S THOUGHTS ON RELGION AND HIS HISTORY WITH RELIGION BECAUSE A BLOG WHERE SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT DARKHAWK AND THE SMOGGIES IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO GO FOR THAT: Anyway when I was a child my mother would take me to church every Saturday. Yes, Saturday. Right after we ate supper. I went until I was thirteen years of age when I stopped. I am glad she let me stop. I'm pretty sure they had gone over the entirety of the Bible 14 times by that point. Maybe even more. As for Religion. I am not a part of any of them but I do believe someone or something started this entire mess. I hope I get to talk to them so I can ask them why tho? As for Religious people, as long as you don't use your religion to be a jerk then I really don't care if you believe the Care Bears run heaven for Jesus. I am a fan of non-jerks.

The concept of this show was a trainee Angel and a INDEPENDANT STRONG POWERFUL BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN Angel go around America and probably other places (I dunno, this is the first time I'm watching this show) and help people. It's a lot like Highway to Heaven except with more vaginas. Also both shows are a lot like Quantum Leap except Quantum Leap helped people with the power of Science and Dean Stockwell. The Angel shows used the power of Jesus and Della Reese. I do not know which one is more powerful so do not ask me. That question cannot and should not ever be answered.

Anyway since I've never seen any of these episodes before. I decided to watch an episode called Chutzpuh, it's about the Jews! Who doesn't love the Jews? ......don't answer that. It was written by the guy who co-founded PragerU with Dennis Prager and a Rabbi. So pretty conservative writers there ho boy. Anyway a new trainee Angel, played by Valerie Bertinelli just sits on a bus bench waiting for Monica the Irish angel lady to come back. She tells people she's an angel and makes them think she is a gosh darn nut case. Della Reese shows up and tells her not to talk to anyone unless they talk to her first. She should have stayed because the very next group of people who show up are a fucking group of skinheads who apparently end up telling Valerie Bertinelli all about their views. So it's not gonna be a lot of fun for some Jewish guy who transcribes the Torah who missed the bus. Della Reese and Irish Angel are watching from afar. Della Reese does this facepalm bit when Valerie starts talking about the Jews. It's weirdly hilarious and also sad because the Jewish dude is all depressed now.

Della Reese pretty much calls Valerie's character a fuckin moron idiot and tells her this is now her assignment to help these Jewish people. I guess sell their house? Anyway we go to Irish Angel who is meeting the Jewish guys daughter who draws CONTROVERSIAL images of her father. Thanks to the internet I have seen worse. Thank you internet! The Irish Angel is literally the most Irish person I've ever heard. I'm pretty sure she bleeds Whiskey! So Jewish Daughter has a dinner with her parents and Irish Angel comes with her. Jewish Daughter gets offended by Torah Writer Dad and now that the management of the paper or magazine or magazine paper or thing that doesn't exist in 2025 want some SAUCY cartoons she puts one of the SAUCY cartoons she drew of her dad and names the comic Chutzpah. Hebrew words are so wonderful.

So Irish Angel doesn't like the saucy cartoons which annoys Jewish Daughter. Valerie Bertinelli is helping the Jewish Dad do something. Jewish Rabbi comes by to talk to Jewish Dad about the cartoons and he says he will talk to his daughter about them. Jewish Daughter and Jewish Dad get into a fight and Irish Angel then asks God to know what happened between them and we get a scene of what started the rift.  She looks stunned and out of it when talking to God, I wonder what regular people think "probably just thinking of Leprechauns or the Blarney Stone". I don't know anything about Ireland and I'm pretty sure my ancestors were from there! Jewish Dad gets an idea from Valerie Bertinelli who is weirdly cute despite being like 40 something in these episodes. I dunno. I like her and gets a bunch of people to protest the comic. He even says I HAVE NO DAUGHTER during the argument! SERIOUS!

Oh shit! The Jewish Mom is getting in on the fight! You know it's gonna end soon! She goes to argue with her AND after the argument Valerie Bertinelli goes "Wow those bald men were right! Jews are stubborn!" Irish Angel then takes her to see some canyons or some shit. After talking about the Jews and Valerie Stupid Angel Bertinelli goes "THERE REALLY WAS A HOLOCAUST?" she gets taken to the Holocaust Museum to learn. Jewish Daughter gets a message from the skinheads saying that they will take care of the "Pig rabbis" for her and she literally shits a brick. Valerie Bertinelli whos last name is a lot of fun to type goes to apologize for her actions to Jewish Dad. Jewish Dad invites her into the synagogue and WOAH the skinheads are there! The angels pretty much tell everyone there that they are angels and blammo they run off but not before hurting Jewish Dad. The dad and Daughter come ot terms with everything with the help of the Angels. Thus ends what just might be the most heavy handed VERY SPECIAL EPISODE I've ever seen. This is important information people should see but JESUS they jam that shit right into your mouth. and not in a sexy way. This episode needed more Della Reese just coming in and slapping the shit outta everyone. 

The Final Episode is the tipping reason I just had to review this show. It has David Ogden Stiers playing SATAN. (Also not the only Final Episode to star Mister Ogden Stiers, he was in Murder, She Wrote's Final Episode too I believe. That's right the ClawxBlog is your go to place for television shows your Grandma would watch!). So Carol Burnett, yes that Carol Burnett is the person who introduces us to the Final Episode of Touched By An Angel... called I Will Walk With You Part 1 and 2. Which appeared on TV screens across this world on April 29, 2004. It still feels really anachronistic that this show was still on at this point but I guess it was.  I've got to say that this surprise guest cast is probably the reason I now believe in Time Travel. Cloris Leachman, Marion Ross, Paul Winfield, Patrick Duffy, Patty Duke and Charles Rocket. The only way those people could all appear in the same episode is because of my time traveling antics. 

So Irish Angel sits on a bus stop and Della Reese tells her that this is the last time they will be working together as it's pretty much said and done about her become a supervising Angel and Della Reese tells her that they will not be working together after this! Irish Angel gets on the bus and meets a random drifter and then we see some interviews from people who worked with Irish Angel. I never knew God did job interviews. This show is teaching me some things!!! She meets the sheriff of the town and his son Joey whom she helped out in a previous episode. Also a spooky black car with black windows is driving all over town..............COULD IT BE DAVID OGDEN SATAN?????????????? yes. yes it is.

Appare ntly an explosion happened that killed the sheriff's wife and just about all the children in the town. It's caused the town to completely give up. Shit this place really does need some Angels. Too bad they are all talking to God. Anyway, PATRICK DUFFY IS THE TOWNS MAYOR!!!!  Oh and apparently Joey the mute special education man is the sheriff's brother not son. Even though they literally look like they could be father and son. Wild. Anyway she learns that Marion Ross was also another person she helped! Man this show had a wild list of guest stars. I might just watch it for them! The kids stuff that had been left all around town for a year is now being moved! A guy side eyes Zac the Drifter, also put a k on that name buddy! It looks weird without it. They end up in a town meeting, some guy wants to buy the town and the man with the nascallist voice in the history of voices literally says that Zac(k) was there a year earlier...near the school. TO BE CONTINUNUEDED

Remember when that was a thing? Of course you do, you read this blog. You'd get a little tense going oh no how are they going to finish this within the shows usual time slot and then BLAMMO FUCKIN GOTTA COME BACK NEXT WEEK. Ain't going to want to go to Aunt Sally's house so your parents can play poker! You gotta be here because no one in the house knows how to set a VCR. Those things were literally like the most space age thing ever. I refuse to believe anyone knew how to do it. 

Zack tells Patrick Duffy and Irish Angel that he was in fact at the school on business but cannot tell them why! Irish Angel then see DAVID OGDEN SATAN (I am having way too much fun typing that. I say it aloud each time I type it too!) and tells Patrick Duffy (who she had saved fifteen years earlier) that he is DAVID OGDEN SATAN. DAVID OGDEN SATAN then tells her hello. We then cut to a courthouse where DAVID OGDEN SATAN is railroading the SHIT out of Zack. Holy shit he's making ME think he did it and I know he didn't because Angels are on his side! Still it's looking really shitty for Zack.

Well, after some nice scenes where they reopen the Church and see that all the belongings were brought there by Zack. It turns out that he was declared Guilty on all counts. He's going to the joint. the big house. THE HOOSEGOW. They ain't very nice to people who hurt children in those places (allegedly. I have never been to prison.) Irish Angel doesn't want Zack to get shived so she asks God if she can become his personal Angel and look out for him and make sure that doesn't happen. We get a nice scene with Della Reese, who had to be sidelined because well DAVID OGDEN SATAN is powerful but a STRONG POWERFUL INDEPENDANT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN is more powerful. Della Reese would have just smack his ass down and twice on Tuesday! Irish Angel goes to the police station just to find out that Zack is gone!

They then find out that Joey was the one who turned the heat up on the boiler causing all the problems, but not because he's a lunatic but because DAVID OGDEN SATAN got him to do it by saying the kittens he was caring for would want it to be warm. Irish Angel gets everyone to stay in the town and ruins the evil plans of DAVID OGDEN SATAN. She then finds her way back to the bus stop that apparently I assume was apart of the first episode. Della Reese then tells her she can talk to Zack because ZACK WAS GOD IN DISGUISE THIS ENTIRE TIME. I guess she got that promotion to supervisor Angel. She says her goodbyes too everyone and drives off to help more people. I kinda wish when it zoomed up to the clouds we'd see Zack, Della Reese and a gator waving at her ala Happy Gilmore. We can't always get what we wish for though.

FINAL THOUGHTS: The first episode I watched was heavy handed but the Final Episode was handled a bit better. You should know if you'd be able to watch stuff like this but I miss the era of shows where people would just help one another you know. Just weirdly wholesome TV that I would have not watched a second of as a child/teen. The episodes I watched were from a old Canadian tv station called W which was a channel for ladies to watch lady things. Like the home shopping network informercials that started after the episodes ended. There's some beautiful poetic joke there but I'll leave it be for now. As long as we all look out for each other then DAVID OGDEN SATAN will never win.

Let's Finally Get Back to Talking About Adult Swim Shows Part 9, or 10. I don't know.

 

Well, it just had to happen. I leave my house and I end up getting sick. Wonderful. I am going to blame the dentist. Anyway, about two years ago (or so) I decided to review every adult swim show. I got out eight parts discussing various shows that they have done over the past 24 years of their existence. Some popular, some not so popular, some I had seen before, some I had not. Anyway, I decided to bring it back. I need to needle portnoyd with something and he's a bigger fan of adult swim. He wants to sit down and watch every episode of every show. Like a lunatic. So let's discuss four more shows from adult swim.

Now this is a show that I would watch on Teletoon, a dearly departed Canadian channel that would show well cartoons. It would be a part of its late night block and I always thought it was a creative funny little show. It's got everyones favorite man who voices cartoons for adults, H. Jon Benjamin before he broke the world apart with his role as Bob and also that Archer guy. He voices Coach McGurik in this show and he is very much the best character. The other characters are still quite a lot of fun but he rules the roost. I rewatched one of the episodes I remembered and I can say that this stuff still holds up. However do not really use me an a guide because I think like 98% of things hold up. I am unwilling to let go of the past. It is my security blanket. I am Linus Van Claw. Anyway, this show is still very well done and creative. I hope portnoyd gets to watch every episode before his brain turns to mush and he turns to dust. 

This was a show created by someone named Tyler the Creator. I do not know who he is and I don't really want too. Are you really surprised? I am a simple man who enjoys talking about The Smoggies and Darkhawk comics. It would not be natural for me to have the information about who this guy is in my brain. It would not work for the health of the universe itself. So be the selfless man that I am will not look up any more information about him. I just know that he is famous enough to get to create a cartoon series for adult swim. I only watched one episode but I do not want to watch any more. Comedy either works or it feels they are trying to hard (or the people making the comedy don't know shit like the writers on the Big Bang Theory). Anyway this show just tries way, way too hard. Everything felt forced and I didn't enjoy watching it. I also did not like the animation style. I hope portnoyd reads this before he watches all of the Jellies! It does not deserve that exclamation point at all.

We go from a not very well thought out tv show to an actually well thought out, creative, thoughtful show about race relations. I am one of the whitest people to ever exist and I still find this show very amusing even if it does think I smell like Pledge Furniture Cleaner. The Boondocks is the story of two kids Huey and Riley Freeman and their Grandfather Robert Freeman. This poked fun at everything within black culture. A lot of people thought Season four was not as good as the first three, but I must say that I did very much enjoy the one episode of Season four that I did watch. So yeah. This is very much one of the best shows on adult swim and I can't wait to argue with about it with portnoyd because I know he's probably gonna hate it cuz he's a jerk.

Before I get into this I must apologize to several individuals who will never see this. First off, I'm sorry to Tyler the Creator, I still don't know who you are but while the Jellies is try hard, it at least is not as bad as this. I also have to apologize to Nick Kroll, Tim Fuckhead, Eric Shitbag and the writers of The Big Bang Theory and Friends. Yes, even you guys did better comedy thna this. This has to be the bottom of the barrel when it comes to comedy. It's so no the nose, so try hard and also it doesn't know when to end the joke. If you gotta keep a joke going you escalate the bitch. None of that here. It's a sketch comedy show that takes 20 swomething minutes to do like two sketches that are not very good. One of the guys on this show Sam Hyde must have done something after it happened that wasn't very good because I see people posting him with a gun all over the place but I'm staying in my line. In this small little hidey hole where I just talk about Mork & Mindy and Captain Crunch meeting Spider Man. I do not know what Samuel Hyde did and I do not care. I just want to forget about this thing that was so bad that I had to apologize to the worst comedy people of all time. Congrats, if you wanna see comedy at its all time shittiest than watch this. 

That's it for now!

The Final Episode #127: The Smoggies (1989 - 1991)

 

Oh hey, I'm back over here on blogger/blogspot/whatever they are calling themselves now. Two and a half years over on wordpress and not even 100 posts. I don't know why I forget about this blog so often when honest to death it's becoming the one fun thing on the internet. Twitter is a cesspool of idiocy. Facebook is mostly boring and Youtube is literally becoming the place for AI Slop. No post on this blog will ever be AI Slop, mostly because I don't know how to make them and because It's not the same if I don't put a PORTNOYD IS A POOPY BOY comment in there somewhere.  I don't think AI would do that which is a reason why it's no good. The fact everything it makes just has a weird unsettlingly vibe to it doesn't help.

I figure I should tell you all why I came back to blogspot. There's a few reasons. I kinda never used any of the stuff Wordpress had that blogspot didn't. I kinda missed the way blogspot looked. Portnoyd it seemed had an easier time to post here. I may give him some gruff and griff but (sometimes) I like talking to him. The biggest thing was, random people just liking my posts and never commenting. I don't write this for some random guy to like it. I want comments! I know they probably made it so they like everything with some bot they made so people would look at their work. I don't think I ever did. Sorry but a simple comment of WOW I REMEMBER THIS THING or WOW I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN JASON DAVID FRANK AND AMY JO JOHNSON HAVE BUTT SEX TOGETHER. Like a comment makes me at least sometimes believe there is a person behind it all. That and the blog was looking like more of a website and less of a blog. I dunno. I came back here just because I wanted to. I also wrote this long meandering paragraph about it because I also wanted to.

One of my favorite things to do with this blog is to pick out some weird obscure, forgotten thing that was barely even a thing when it came out. It hit and then went. I'm talking about the kinda obscure, forgotten things that were shoved into production just to end up on tv at 5 o clock in the morning. The kinda stuff that you weren't sure was ever really a thing because you were rarely up at 5 o clock in the morning. The stuff that you screamed "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS WASN'T A FEVER DREAM I HAD IN 1993" when you find an image of it on the internet. The kinda thing that made syndicated television so wonderful. That and it being a wild insane hodge podge of like all previous decades. I dedicated my knowledge of a lot of goofy stuff made prior to the 1990s because of syndicated television. I miss it because while it's still around it's really not the same as it was.

Our weird obscurity for today is, The Smoggies a cartoon made in Canada by the company Cinar Films. Cinar Films was created in 1976 by Micheline Charest and Ronald A. Weinberg. They started dubbing animes and making cartoons and kid shows sometime during the 1980s. The most famous show they did was Are You Afraid of the Dark? a co-production by them and Nickelodeon. Cinar faced some problems in 2000 when it was found out that their founders had put 167 million into a Bahamian bank account, which forced the company to rename itself and be sold. The renamed Cookie Jar Entertainment is now a part of Wild Brain which is a company that literally bought up every other Canadian kids show/cartoon makers up AND DiC entertainment.  I probably mentioned all of this when I did Are You Afraid of the Dark cartoon but I forgot that I had so just shut up and read it again. READ IT AND ENJOY IT.

Anyway, the creators of this show are pretty interesting. I mean mostly just one of them but still. Colin Thibert (a swiss writer of French tv shows and cartoons!) and Gerald Potterton. Gerald Potterton worked on Yellow Submarine, something made in the 1960s that is still relatively popular because of the Beatles. I have never seen it. He also directed Heavy Metal. It's pretty wild. Colin Thibert worked on Spartakus and the Sun Beneath the Sea, a weird, WEIRD French cartoon that I do want to talk about in more depth but I have to find all of the episodes and watch it. It's not a show you can just review the Final Episode of just for shits and giggles. You gotta watch the entire, weird ass thing. The theme song was written by Joe Raposo, who wrote the themes for Three's Company, Shining Time Station and a bunch of Sesame Street songs. I like that this obscure little cartoon is connected to a lot of things that are more well known. It's kinda fun.

The overall theme to this cartoon is a group of bad guys called the Smoggies who pollute (yes this is an anti-pollution cartoon ala Captain Planet, if you couldn't kinda tell by the name) and destroy the earth around an Island of little guys and gals called the Suntots. The Suntots also have coral that can make you young again which two of the bad guys want. It's your simple overall setting for fifty two episodes. I did not re-watch this episode before now so this might be one of those top heavy The Final Episode posts where I get seventy five paragraphs about the creation of the show and like three about the actual episode. Anyway, let's do this!

This episode is called "Deep Sleep" and it starts with the lady bad guy, Emma is complaining about how she has lost her glow. Clarence who I am guessing is her husband, is a total simp and wife guy. Like he loves this crabby old bitch like there is no tomorrow. She wants her glow back so she decides to go to the mountains to get fresh mountain air. Clarence is like a hike and she's like 'fuck no" so he creates this machine that brings the Smoggies to the top of the mountain. Then we go to see the Suntots. Speed and uh I dunno Orange Suntot guy are working on some kind of invention. Another Suntot comes in. The Cool Suntot..............named Cool. Yeah, the Suntots are not creative with the names they have for each other. Cool is a mix of a hippy and a surfer. Why were surfers considered so cool between 1988 and 1994? Like I don't get it. PORTNOYD EXPLAIN IT TO ME. 

The gas that runs the machine car thing that brings the Smoggies up the mountain, also starts making everyone go to sleep. The get to the mountain and put the smog into one of the floaty things you have in pools. Emma then falls into the water and her crabby ass wants to go home. I find the duo of crabby bitch and simp to be really funny. Their henchman Pulloto is your usual big dumb guy. I love his voice and the little bird that lives on his head. Very entertaining design.  Anyway the suntot princess, Cool, and Old Bob all leave Speed and Orange to go to the mountain. Old Bob ends up getting the floaty caught on something it causes a small hole causing the Sleep Gas to put Old Bob to sleep. He's also getting close to a waterfall!!

However Speed and Orange come by and save him in their cool car/ship/plane called the Wonder Doohickey. Actually I don't know it's real name I just wanted to say Doohickey. Anyway they have to turn into a plane at the last second before they hit the bottom of the waterfall. They survive of course, this cartoon was created by gentle people and not Bratwurst who would have killed every single character in the show two or three times. He is a sadistic lunatic but I still like him. Anyway they save Old Bob and then go to get Ms Doctor to find out whats wrong with him! The Smoggies are still going up the mountain without realizing they are fucking everything up. A tree full of Fogbogs or whatever the hell they are gonna fall into the water! The Suntots have to save them!

Now we go back to the Smoggies who are still driving the Smoggies Shitty Car and spraying the Sleeping gas everywhere. They spray it all over a field of berries (that the Princess was going to get) and then get stuck. The Princess (named Leela, Matt Groening was a big fan of The Smoggies.) gets some of the Berries and then goes to another Suntot named Gardener. I like when the characters name explains easily what they do. Crabby Bitch Emma sees her and gets out of the Shitty Car when it's stopped by some rocks. Clarence getting it unstuck causes an avalanche and traps Emma and Princess Leela in the Shitty Cave. Everyone ends up falling asleep except Speed, who I assume got his name becuase he uses a lot of Drugs. He gets into the Airplane that becomes a boat and also a car. It's got a name but I don't care enough to remember it. He gets back to Cool who's drumming a beat which apparently wakes Old Bob up. I know Old Bob has a different name but I like the name Old Bob better.

Of course Cool now gets to drum. Something I should probably have mentioned is that everyone was annoyed by his drumming all through the beginning of this episode but it saves everyone. They get Emma and Princess Leela and a random bear all out of a cave. They then talk about not polluting the air, remmeber this is a hippy cartoon about loving the earth. Then a giant rock falls on the Shitty Car and Emma and Clarence have to drag Polutto's giant ass down' the mountain because he's sleeping (and they think it's cause of the gas for some reason, he winks at the camera and the dumb guy actually did something smart!) 

FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a bad way to end a cartoon. Sure it's one of the "random adventures of the week that you'd have to be told was the Final Episode" kinda Final Episodes but those actually end up still being some of the better ones. I had a good time revisiting this goofy little obscurity and would probably watch more. I hope Bratwurst is happy I called him a sadistic lunatic. He's a weird man.

The Comic Review #94: Web of Spider-Man #113-116

            

The post on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers got me to thinking about the early comic reviews on this site. Most of them were a paragraph long. I do not plan to re-review most of them because really what I could say about those comics WERE said in those small paragraph reviews, however I really feel that most things deserve more than a paragraph in a review. It’s just that the one story that deserved more attention is quite possibly one of the worst fucking Spider-Man stories I’ve ever read. And I’ve read a god damn lot of Spider-Man. So I figure it’s finally time to rip this gross, smelly bandage off and get into this story. It has many, many problems.

So let’s talk about the comic series Web of Spider-Man. It first came out in 1985 as a replacement for the Spider Man teams up with another random Marvel Comics superhero for an issue (or two) and they go on some wild adventure. By 1985 that comic was not selling very well so they decided to make a new Spider-Man title. Just Spider-Man. It was the third Spider-Man title and it was okay. The highlight of the entire ten year run was when it was connected to Spectacular Spider Man, as in like it was another place to keep telling that comics story. So yeah it was at it’s best when it was literally piggybacking on that series. It ended in 1995 without much fanfare to be replaced by Sensational Spider Man (at that time was the fourth Spider-Man comic. I think Comic companies need to realize that popular characters can only really take on one or two books but what the hell do I know anyway?)

Anyway, this story came out in 1994. One year before they decided to say goodbye to Web of Spider-Man. It involves a MYSTERY of who became F.A.C.A.D.E.. Now I know what you are thinking “Who in the fucking fuck is F.A.C.A.D.E. Well, think Iron Man and some of the guys he fights (Crimson Dynamo and Titanium Man), He is a guy in a suit of armour. If say, Iron Man, Crimson Dynamo and Titanium Man are the top tier because they (at least I think so) have memorable designs and some very enjoyable stories to their name then F.A.C.A.D.E is at the bottom because his design kinda sucks and the only story he ever got was this one.

The mystery element is also not very good. The suspects are: A boring reporter guy named Cole, a rich asshole, the rich assholes butler, J. Jonah Jameson and his son John Jameson. I think you can see two reasons already why this is a failure. The first is most of the suspects are dreadfully uninteresting. Seriously they appear in this story only! The second is J. Jonah Jameson at this point in time despite doing some wild shit in the 1960s and 1970s was now portrayed as a man who felt bad about that stuff and tried to be the best person he could. He was a giant grumpy fucker but they weren’t about to make him a crazy murder man, AND if they were to make that awful mistake it would not happen in Web of Spider-Man. They would put that stuff in the main book. I also think his son was too important of a character to waste on being F.A.C.A.D.E.

The second problem I have with this story is probably a minor one but It still bothers me. This story kills off the character of Lance Bannon, a character that wasn’t that amazing (he was literally a rival photographer at the Daily Bugle and was literally upstaged by a more entertaining version named Nick Katzenberg) but he did exist in the comics for 14 years (and over 50 appearances) so I honestly do believe he deserved better than to be the cannon fodder for F.A.C.A.D.E. I don’t think any character should be the cannon fodder for F.A.C.A.D.E.

Also can I say that random team up appearances were done better in the 1980s and 1990s. It at least felt like the writer and artist wanted to use the other character to have them bounce off Spider-Man. The first part (yes he doesn’t stay around for the entire four issues) has Gambit just show up because Gambit was popular as hell in the 1990s. I’m not trying to say every time prior to the 1990s did a team up work but it just feels like he’s shoehorned into this story. Might have worked better if he helped Spider-Man do something with F.A.C.A.D.E in another part of this book. I like when the heroes work together after having a goofy fight.

Anyway, you could easily recap all four issues in one paragraph. Some group of losers try to steal a fancy armour suit called F.A.C.A.D.E. and get stopped by Black Cat, Spider Man and Gambit. However someone else steals the suit. Lance Bannon takes a picture of them and then they kill him in the second part. Betty Brant tries to find out what Lance Bannon knew and in the process really makes it look like it was either the rich douchebag or his boring butler. They have Lance’s funeral and Spider-Man beats up F.A.C.A.D.E. but he escapes from said armour before he’s found out. The F.A.C.A.D.E armour is now in government custody so no one can ever touch it again.

In the last thirty one years, F.A.C.A.D.E. showed up twice. Both times as a joke. There’s been about seventy five trillion Spider-Man stories since 1994 and not a single solitary one had them go “wow let’s actually find out who F.A.C.A.D.E. was” You’d think they would have tried during one of those “oh shit we have no idea what to do but they want a four part story!” but nope. Dropped like a lead potato. I don’t know what a lead potato is but I don’t think I’d eat it. I’ve also been reading Spider-Man fans thoughts on things on the internet for way too long now and I’ve never seen a single person say they want to see how this story ends. That’s insane because you know statistically someone had to have this story as their first comic book and also have some kind of nostalgic attatchment to it but even they don’t care enough to want a conclusion. They must have been one of those weirdos who grew up and started to enjoy adult things. Loser.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really could have just said that F.A.C.A.D.E. stood for Full Acclimation Combat And Defense Explo-skeleton and left it at that but no I had to go and re-read this story and blather on about it for way too long. Anyway have fun trying to find out what a Explo-skeleton is. Exploding Skeleton? God, this story sucked.

The Final Episode #126: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1993 – 1996) (Take Two)

       

I have been writing things on the internet for other peoples enjoyment for twenty two years now. The first time was when I was eighteen years old. It was a website I created with another person who now hates me called K.R.A.P. I don’t know what it stands for and I am personally glad it was wiped off the face of the internet. My idea of a good funny post was just to yell obscenities and call the characters gay and say everything sucked. It was cringy and terrible and I hope never to see any of it again. I still have problems looking at stuff I wrote for this blog when I started in 2020 (wow who knew I would do it for that long) and that’s where this comes in. This is me trying to re-do awful awful blog posts from the past. I will not remove the original Power Rangers final episode but I will talk about the ACTUAL final Episode. You see they changed it to Mighty Morphin Alien Rangers for like ten episodes for some reason. I guess I had planned on reviewing that one too but never got around to it, until now!

So this is my favorite part. I don’t know why but I’ve kinda grown to love writing the history of the thing I’m talking about. It’s just nice. I dunno. Anyway Mighty Morphin Power Rangers like most amazing things comes from the LAND OF THE RISING SUN, Japan. They started a series of shows under the banner of Super Sentai. It’s like any superhero team show is under this banner. It started in 1975. that’s right. Power Rangers techinally goes back half a century now. That makes a man feel old. I’m going to take a nap. Uh, okay. Here’s wheres things get interesting. Apparenly some time in the 1980s Stan Lee found out about this stuff and wanted to bring it over but no one would listen to him. Weird ain’t it. Anyway some time again in the 1980s someone took seven episodes of the seventh Super Sentai series, Dynaman and turned it into……..Dynaman! It was a parody that aired on Night Flight and once on Nickoledon’s Special Delivery. I bet portnoyd remembers Special Delivery and making a soap box derby car with his dad. Portnoyd is older than I am and will turn to dust soon enough. I will miss him even if he is a jerk.

Dynaman was a failure. I have not seen any of it but apparently most of the jokes were HOHOHO THE JAPANESE CAN’T SAY L WORDS CORRECTLY HOHOHO not to say that I am a perfect angel who has never made that joke but I think it being every single joke is a bit much. Who knows, maybe this person was just wrong about it and I might enjoy Dynaman. I might end up watching it but I want to watch like 893410391059104 other thigns too. Yet none of those things are prestige tv like Mad Men or Breaking Bad. WEIRD HUH.

Anyway in the early 1990s, a man named Haim Saban who with his partner Shuki Levy wrote the theme songs to just about every cartoon ever made by DiC and about 90% of the rest of them created Saban Entertainment (who knows it might have been made earlier I dunno I’m too lazy to check this shit) and started to dub some animes (like Samurai Pizza Cats) and then saw Super Sentai and Saved by the Bell on a raging bender and was like WOAH IF I MASH THESE TWO THIGNS TOGETHER I’LL BECOME A JILLIONAIRE. and thats how Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was born! I can remember the first time I ever saw this show because for some reason people were trying to sell drugs behind my house! You see you could get into the fence behind our house and do things like that. I remember my mom talking to them. It was weird. I do remember being into the show for quite some time but honestly according to the internet, shitty parents who want to raise everyones children and cause a stink about the shows “violence” and wanting all children to watch fucking Davey and Goliath shit. I don’t want claymation dogs at this moment! I wanted giant fucking dinosaur robots FUCKING SHIT UP. Jesus. Raise your own stupid kids and stop being jerks. It was removed from YTV and I guess I just didn’t see all that much of Power Rangers. I swear I saw some Power Rangers Zeo on YTV but the YTV Schedule Wiki says no and I’m not going to argue with them. That’s almost as pointless as arguing with politics with anyone on twitter. If you don’t agree with them 100% you are the enemy and also evil. The old internet was not perfect but my god the worst parts of it are still better than this.

Now we finally get to my first post on this. I do not know how the hell I wrote something so saucy and angry about this. I don’t know why I was so grumpy. I’m guessing portnoyd or NES bounty related things. I miss the NES Bounty but I know that I am not allowed to do things like that. It messes up my mind and makes me a jerk. Uh, so here we are now. Finally ready to talk about the last two episodes (yep a Two PARTER!) of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers known as “Hogday Afternoon, Part I and II”

So uh, First off, I’m sure I mentioned it in the other post on Power Rangers but uh, I did not realize that they changed the cast this early. I thought it was the original cast until Zeo. I don’t know when I got out of Power Rangers but I guess it was before this episode. Anyway, the Power Rangers are all uh children now and not TEENAGERS WITH ATTITUDE, except for Tommy and Billy. Tommy was the best Power Ranger and I don’t want to argue. If you disagree you can shove that argument right up your butt. ALL THE WAY UP THERE. They are also working with another group of Rangers called the Alien Rangers who sound weird and annoying. I already do not like them. I am grumpy and old.

Another Power Ranger named Aisha is out in the Desert in Africa or some place with Lions. She needs to find something to fix the Zeo Crystal. Rita and Lord Zedd (best part of the episode) send the Hydro Hog to steal all the water on earth. The Hydro Hog kinda reminds me of a blue Grimace from McDonalds. I like the Hydro Hog. The Hydro Hog removes all the water from the Alien Rangers. Aisha is stuck in the desert AFTER DARK with CRAZY ANIMALS GONE NUTS FROM A RANDOM SICKNESS. Goldar and Johnny Skeleton (I don’t know this characters actual name) get ready to blow up the entire Command Center! Of course all of this is easily rectified in the next episode. The Alien Rangers get water, Aisha finds the final Zeo Crystal!!!! and then they do the best part of most Power Ranger episodes is when they grow to giant size and start FUCKING SHIT UP. The Alien Rangers zord looks really dumb. It has a giant origami goose on its head. The flaming sword is fucking awesome though.

They have to get some help from the FALCON ZORD to beat up the Hydro Hog, but they do. Aisha gives the Zeo Crystal to her friend and joins the people in the Desert, she becomes the next Power Ranger. However the bomb that Goldar and Johnny Skeleton (who apparently is Rita Repulsa’s brother!) steal the Zeo Crystal and escape. The Power Rangers escape barely and then look and see the Command Center HAS EXPLODED and we don’t know what has happened to Zordon or Alpha Five! Thankfully unlike every other cliffhanger ending this one did get resolved in Power Rangers Zeo.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I liked Power Rangers a lot as a kid. I was the perfect age for it. 8 years old. It was one part Saved by the Bell and one part goofy monster crap. I ate it up like there was no tomorrow and I did have fun with this. I mean it’s kinda hard not to have a least a little bit of fun with it. However, I just wish that the entire team of original Power Rangers were there and not just some randos I never watched as a kid. Still it makes me want to watch some more Power Rangers and that’s something. Anyway, have yourself a good day and let’s get outta here.