I really, really hate the post I wrote on City Guys. It’s like most of my early posts. I just do not like looking at it. I mean I’m the guy who somehow writes more words than fucking Leo Tolstoy about shit like Brand Spanking New Doug. That’s not even Nickoldeon Doug. That’s Disney’s Doug! I mean that actually gave me a plot that I could work with. It was clearly someone at least wanting to make a Final story involving those characters. City Guys was just “Christ they want this thing by Friday and It’s Thursday oh shit. fuck it they join the band and one of the other kids goes to work for an Ad company because he made a good ad for a radio show the students do” I know I did a poor job with City Guys but really when you give anyone a pile of shit there’s not much they can do with it.
The main point I am making is that I am not throwing The Final Episode back into the corner to bring back in two years time. No, I’m making another one because heaven forbid City Guys somehow be the last show I talk about for this thing. I just can’t leave it at that. I dislike it that much. The only reason I don’t delete it is Portnoyd would be like WHERES THE CITY GUYS REVIEW and make me re-do it or something and man I can’t do that either. I’m sorry but I doubt the greatest writer of our time could turn out a funny, informative review of the television series City Guys. There’s only so much any human being can give.
So, I’ve decided to write about something that I really can blather on and on about to a scarily autistic degree and that’s old Disney Afternoon cartoons. I mean I really only have one left that I can do. I can’t talk about Shnookums and Meat’s Funny Cartoon Show because everyone agreed to forget about that. I might be disappeared for even bringing it up. If that happens tell my mother I love her. I can’t discuss any of the other shows because I’ve uh, already done them. I think. Have I done Adventures of the Gummi Bears? The fact I have to ask that makes you know that I am finally talking about Bonkers. A show that I feel does not hold up.
Yes, the man who’s glued a pair of Rose tinted glasses to his face. A man who refuses to believe in the passage of time changing just about everything. A man who still believes that A Nightmare on Elm Street, Teddy Ruxpin and The Adventures of Tintin are just as amazing as they were when he was eight, found something, a single thing that really, really, really did not hold up. As a child, I loved the Disney Afternoon shows. Duck Tales, Darkwing Duck, Chip N Dale, all wonderful creations. Shit, I fucking remember Shnookums and Meat’s Funny Cartoon Show. Disney’s attempt at ripping off Ren and Stimpy. You know how many people can claim that? Not many! It lasted for thirteen fucking episodes! I was there though! I WAS THERE. Anyway Bonkers was something I enjoyed immensely as a child and as an adult I wonder what kind of fucking drugs was I on because this character and show are god damn annoying as hell.
So I’m sure you remember the 1988 film Who Framed Roger Rabbit? right. Well this cartoon is pretty much that, to the point that people believe that it was supposed to be a Roger Rabbit cartoon. According to fandom wikia weirdos who have the most powerful autism of all, it wasn’t. I trust those people because frankly they scare me. They know everything about a subject. These people can tell you what Walt Disney ate on October 14, 1959. If they wanted to take over the world they could. Anyway, I assume the reason we never saw anything beyond the first Roger Rabbit movie was because of rights reasons. Thankfully those rights reasons I’m sure are keeping some terrible streaming show that would come and go from actually coming and going. So at least one thing from the past shall remain unmolested by today. It’s nice to know that.
Anyway, Bonkers was about Bonkers D. Bobcat, voiced by Jim Cummings, doing his uh, worst cartoon voice ever. He was a cartoon superstar making comedy shorts for some company or another. He ends up getting fired and then having to become a police man or something. He ends up joining a man named Lucky Piquel to solve crimes. Oh and then later on he joins a different police officer named Miranda. Greg Wiseman from Gargoyles worked on those episodes and said their relationship was similar to the relationship between Goliath and Eliza Maza in Gargoyles. Meaning they were fuckin’. Greg you rascal!
Anyway the reason for two police officers was well, they originally wanted 65 episodes of Bonkers with Miranda. The reason that we didn’t get it was that only nineteen of them were of any usable quality from the overseas company Disney was using. I guess that wasn’t the people they usually used for their other shows. It really shows how much Disney cared about this show. So yeah, they then went a different route with a different cop type character. I can’t believe I watched so much of this cartoon as a child. Also I thought it would be fun to talk about the Final Episodes of each cop. You know see which one was better. People online would say the Miranda episodes were better back in the day when the Internet was used to discuss things like Bonkers and not used for conspiracy theories or to yell about jews and transgender people. It was a better use of peoples time. Personally, I remember the Lucky episodes much more. Anyway, let’s talk about Bonkers. I’ve put it off long enough.
I had one hell of a time looking for the actual right Final Episodes for this show. Everywhere seems to have a different list of what aired when. I then found the Disney Fandom Wikia, and if it’s anyone who knows every thing there is to know about something it’s wikia nerds. So I went with what they said aired at what times and found the Final Episode starring Lucky Piquel was something called Stressed to Kill. It’s weird to see the word Kill in a Disney cartoon title I must say. So the first like 7 minutes of this cartoon is the theme song, which is still a banger. All Disney theme songs are bangers. I listen to a lot of old theme songs. I am sure I have some kind of autism but not the kind that would make me able to watch all of Bonkers so I can remember way to much about it. Thank the good lord.
The comedy in this episode is some of the most try hard shit imaginable. I’m pretty sure the comedy in this episode was just written on the fly by someone who had never seen anything comedic happen in their lives. Somehow they got to the age of like, I dunno, 30 and never saw a joke or anything. It tries to “double up” on itself and show how everyone is making Lucky Piquel’s life so stressful as he tries to find a criminal called the Mole (who is an actual mole who is in the room with them at the moment. He is voiced by the original Gomez himself. If this was a YouTube video I would get 10000 comments by angry people over the fact I didn’t talk about the fact the name Gomez is hispanic but John Astin is a white dude. I would never be able to get angry at the past in the ways these people want me too. I do not even know why I’m mentioning this. I am just hitting the keyboard again and again and words are coming out.
Oh man. Now from “Let’s annoy the hell out of the character” failed to get any laughs we will bring you to the crappy slapstick part of the program. Lucky is told by Ludwig Von Drake (yes from the old ass cartoons) to get some exercise and he gets beat up by the exercise machines, I’m not even going to be sarcastic and be like AND THEY CAME UP WITH GREAT NEW JOKES. No, they didn’t. They go back to Ludwig and he tells them to rest. They try to rest by painting and oh no the Mole puts in some…..shithead talking grapes that ruin the fun of painting for Lucky. He also ruins their beach trip. Then he and The Mole get Lucky into an Isolation Chamber. He gets stuck in there for days which causes him to start acting like an Ape. I know this is a cartoon and people go “they are just for kids!” but children deserve things with fucking effort put into them. Seriously, I can now see why the Animaniacs gang made fun of this show like there was no tomorrow.
He then breaks his bosses car. I think his boss was voiced by Earl Boen, the police officer guy from the Terminator movies. I am not checking this but I know Earl Boen was in this cartoon. I do not care enough to check but I figured you, and by you I mean Portnoyd might like to know that tidbit of information. He then climbs a building and falls on the bad guy. Ending this crappy, crappy episode. Man oh man. This episode is all over the damn place. It’s bad comedy bit to bad comedy bit then they realize they need a plot so they are like OH YEAH HE STARTS ACTING LIKE AN APE! I’ll give them this much, they probably did not have a lot of time to make 40 new episodes for this show. It definitely shows.
I have to sit down and talk about the second episode right now. I was thinking of just saying fuck it and watching a movie or playing Donkey Kong Country 2 or something better. Like anything. anything. I just know that if I do not talk about this Miranda episode now I will never ever get this blog post done and I’ve talked way too much about this show to stop now. So we are going to talk about our second episode of the day “Cartoon Cornered”. This starts with Bonkers being late for his job just to be told he has to go back to his old job at Wackytoons Inc and pick up a check from Duck Jones. A donation check for some reason. He goes with the Sarge (a grumpy police officer) and Miranda. Sarge pisses off some cartoon Beaver and he puts him in a room with cartoon props. He then escapes and with Bonkers alarm clock hes in…the North Pole.
Meanwhile a man named WILD MAN WYATT (love that name. I will probably post it in all caps each time I type it. Deal with it) is escaping from Prison. Bonkers and Miranda don’t even realize Sarge and Bonkers Toon Clock (who I am now going to call Godfrey the Clock) are still stuck inside WackyToons inc. WILD MAN WYATT pretends to be the Sarge’s grandma to find out where he is. He then ties up Bonkers and Miranda and goes off to WackyToons Inc. The Inc part is a joke that I will run into the ground because I can and I learned it from watching you Bonkers I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU. After chasing Sarge and WILD MAN WYATT from Cartoon set to Cartoon set, they get to STAGE 13 THE CRAZIEST PLACE IN WACKYTOONS INC. They end up on a cliff with the Sarge on the edge and WILD MAN WYATT getting ready to take his revenge. Sarge pulls him off the edge and they fall until Bonkers yells LAUNCH which uh turns STAGE 13 into something normal.
I think it’s easy to tell that neither of these episodes were something I enjoyed, however the Miranda episode was the clear winner because they had a plot that hit plot beats instead of just going to one crazy idea to another. The name WILD MAN WYATT is fun to say and also the cameos from Goofy and Pete were also fun. So I have to clearly give the winner to Miranda. Congrats. These episodes still made me want to give up. Again. after City Guys.
FINAL THOUGHTS: First off, I went and checked and I have not done The Adventures of the Gummi Bears. They were on the Disney Afternoon for like one year I think. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t because I would like to end off talking about Disney Afternoon shows on a high note. If you were to ask me twenty years ago when I was twenty what the worst Disney Afternoon show was I would probably have responded TaleSpin, now I will respond Bonkers. I actually look forward to one day hopefully maybe sitting down ant watching 65 episoddes of TaleSpin. I will never, ever, ever watch another episode of Bonkers. I can’t take the annoying main character and the trying to hard for stories and stuff. I will always have a soft spot in the old heart for this show but the passage of time has changed me from someone who liked this show to someone who wants to slap the person who made it all. P.S. WILD MAN WYATT. Yeah, I had to say that one last time.
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