Ranking and Reviewing Every 80s Cartoon Until I have No More To Review, Part 5: Cartoons based on Real People!

 Oh hello again! Welcome back! I say this because apparently people are liking this blog but not commenting! Comments! That’s what I want! I see you Dirty SciFiBuddha! I want to know what you think about the fucking Rubik’s Cube cartoon GOD DAMNIT! Anyway, this time we are talking about the most respected members of our society, at least our society as it was in the 1980s. If you didn’t get a cartoon then you should have tried harder to earn our respect. We gave it out to….four men! I don’t know where this attempt at comedy (it feels very unfair to call this a joke) went but I think we should stop it and uh, let’s just talk about cartoons that were based around well actors that were popular at the time.

Mister T was incredibly fucking popular in his day. He was a wrestler. He was a tv star (The A-Team) he was a movie star (Rocky III, D.C. Cab) and yes, we loved him enough that we decided to make him a cartoon superstar! Ruby Spears decided to do one of their gang cartoons. You know the type. A group of people (or you know a gang) come together to solve mysteries. This time the gang is a bunch of gymnastics students, a child who likes being Mr T (listening ot this kid try to sound gruff like Mr. T was fucking funny as hell) and a dog (with a mohawk, of course). Just add in Mr. T grumbling and mumbling and you have youself one hell of a fine piece of CHEESE. I really should have added CHEESE as one of the rankings I did in the first part but not really afterwards because I forgot, because This isn’t as good as say Inspector Gadget but the CHEESE factor of this cartoon really is high and makes it a lot of fun to watch. I bet this cartoon was a lot of fun to write. Just come up with crazy shit for Mr. T to say and come up with some random Mystery involving like the Pyramids or Ninjas or some shit. Oh, a fun moment in this cartoon was when the redhead girl was all like THE NINJA HAS TO BE MR. YAKAMOTO because he’s Japanese and the Japanese girl was like “BITCH YOU KNOW IM JAPANESE TOO YOU FUCKIN RACIST SHIT” well not really but still.

Now, we get to discuss Mr. Carlos Ray Norris, known better as Chuck Norris. I just like to type the name Ray as much as a I can. Ray, ray ray. Lazer Ray, Ray Gun. Ray. Okay, I got it out of my system. Anyway if you wanted an action movie from the late 1970s until like 1986. You got a choice of……Chuck Norris or Charles Bronson. With a little bit of Sylvester Stallone in the mix too. You didn’t get Arnold until like Commando made big bucks and he became the king of the Action Movie. Chuck Norris WAS the action guy of the 1980s, even if I like Charles Bronson more (nothing again Chuck Norris, I dig his movies too but I just like hearing Bronson go “no dice, pally”) and thus he got himself a cartoon series, or I should say mini series. This is only five episodes. I don’t know if they were testing the waters. or if thats all Chuck could commit too. A Rumor online had it that fuddy duddy parents who had nothing better to do with their time except to ruin fun thought it was too action packed, because apparently we had to watch boring cartoons that taught us math. Anyway it’s a shame really because this was a really fun watch and I would have watched a 65 episode season of this. It’s like a gang cartoon (Chuck Norris has a gang that consists of a samurai, a sumo, a random scientist guy, a goofy child, a girl, and a teenage boy) meets GI Joe (they go up against a giant Cobra like organization ran by The Claw and SUPER NINJA). I enjoyed this but I have to admit it makes me sad that I only have four more episodes to watch.

DiC Animation, Saban Entertainment and Worldvision Enterprises, in the late 1980s (1989 to be exact) decided to work with comedian John Candy and created Camp Candy. I really liked John Candy and I miss him a lot. Just imagine the things he could have done. I really enjoyed pretty much all of the things he did and yes that does include Camp Candy. At least the little bit of it that I was able to see. This is a show that really should be on some streaming service in nice HD or something. I dunno. AnywaJohn Candy owns a camp with your usuaual assortment of kids. The nerdy one, the cool one, the rich piece of shit asshole one, you’ve seen this exact same group of kids before. They have to keep the Camp away from evil Rex DeForest III who wants to turn it into condos. This has a pretty wild voice cast. John Candy voices himself and yo uget guest appearances from Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin! Babu Bhatt from Seinfeld voices a character!!! The father of all of the Arquette children, Lewis voices a character!!! RODDY MCDOWELL from Planet of the Apes voices a character!!!!!!!!

This could have gone under the Cartoons that were based on movies part of this whole damn thing but I just realized that halfway after watching an episode of this crap. This is based off the TV Movie The Kid With the Broken Halo made in 1982. It starred Gary Coleman and it wowed Hanna Barbera SO much that they just HAD to make a very very boring and bland cartoon out of it. Seriously though this feels like them just going to a xeroxing machine and using plots that they used 10,000 times before. This show has Gary Coleman as an angel and he’s being taught by some tall redhead and a demon with a goatee and a purple coat trying to stop him for reasons. Oh and in the SAME episode (this was one of those cartoons that were cut into two 11 minute episodes) involved them chasing after some kind of bird while the Hornswaggle (yes the bad guy is named Hornswaggle) pretends to be the tall redhead. They mention her name but I forgot it. The second episode is pretty much the same damn plot as they chase after a lost dog! The xerox machine got a lot of work at Hanna Barbera.

I’m happy this show exists though just for this anecdote or however you spell that word. I told the gang in the chatroom about this show and then Portnoyd said Gary Coleman was Webster and I got to yell at him! That was Emmanuelle Lewis you RACIST SHIT. There’s only like two damn famous black midgets that look like they are children despite being 50 (and also dead). This also showed up on adult swim and that means I get to say that it’s better than Tim and Eric (which it is) and bother port that way! Anyway The Gary Coleman Show is dull and literally takes the bottom spot in this whole list.

The List:

1. Inspector Gadget
2. Spider Man and his Amazing Friends
3. The Incredible Hulk
4. The Smurfs
5. Go Bots
6. Mister T
7. Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos
8. Spider Man (1981)
9. Camp Candy
10. Turbo Teen
11. Goldie Gold and Action Jack
12. Rubik the Amazing Cube
13. Care Bears
14. Pac Man
15. Yogi’s Treasure Hunt
16. The Gary Coleman Show