I will probably run out of “comedic” titles for these posts sooner or later but I also have 65,4050 games to review. And I’ll do it because I’m having fun. It’s entertaining and enjoyable, brings me back to the forum days when you’d just make a post about I dunno Barbie being a poopy game or something. I dunno. This might be the worst batch so far. Not a looker in the bunch. So expect some yelling and screaming and being confused.
I was fearing these games the most. These are the last games I want to play and the last games I want to ever try and beat. It’s not even that I hate stragety games. I played Desert Commander among others and actually had fun. However there’s several things that make Desert Commander more appealing to me than Bandit Kings. Desert Commander is genuinely pretty easy to get into where as Bandit Kings reads like a book that’s been written in a dead language. A dead alien language. As in aliens from outer space aliens. I mean I am still not very good at Desert Commander but I never ever know where to start with any of these games I lovingly refer to as rice sims. The Other problem is the time it takes to beat one of these games. This one, which seems to be one of the shorter ones takes almost 7 hours to beat. I’m sorry but you need to be a thrilling game with a thrilling plot and all kinds of crazy awesome shit for me to play you that long to completion. I know people love these games but I cannot for the life of me not rate them as crap. I even tried to get into Romance of the Three Kingdoms with the help of a YouTube video and got like maybe an hour in before I realized I had messed something up. I don’t forgive that kinda stuff in games I was having an amazing super fun with (instead of almost kinda having fun). I’m sorry but rug pulls are for Sierra Games and nothing else. I do not get nor do I really care for these games and I never see that fact changing.
Before I go on to really yell and scream at this game let me tell you that I don’t think it’s a game that’s as bad as people make it out to be. Kind of like Back to the Future people would call this game one of the worst. Yes, It’s a bad bad game (for a brand that I don’t think ever had any good games) but I can name 200 games that I would play this over. It’s awful horse shit that I do not enjoy in the slightest but there’s way worse out there. Let’s get to the bad shit in this game. First off Barbie moves slow as hell making it hard to get out of the way of an enemy or boss. Secondly Barbie is a giant fucking easy to hit sprite. Like I don’t think it’s even more possible for a sprite to get hit more than this. Third this game is weirdly harder than a fucking Barbie game should have been. Lastly this game is dull as hell, the levels are just random horse shit that will either be annoying to get through or uninteresting. Nothings keeping you from coming back a second time to play this game. The reason that makes me somewhat stand up for this game is those 200 I mentioned do things that are even fucking worse.
The First Person View did not work on the NES. Yes, there will be games that I praise and even enjoy that have that in them. However they at least used it sparingly. The Bard’s Tale everything is First Person outside of the battles. I would always always get lost so quickly in First Person View mazes. However those games I will praise at least made it so that I wanted to get out of the maze and would fumble around until I did. This game just makes me want to turn it off the second I get stuck in a maze. You say “buy graphing paper and make a map” two things with that, my mother, would have been like “use the regular paper we have.” because my mother is an old lady who doesn’t spend money. She literally bought sausages no one in the house liked and would not eat repeatedly because they were cheaper, despite the fact if no one ate them she would lose money. You think she’s gonna throw some dough at me to buy graphing paper for a game she knows I’d lose interest in? Yeah. I was also not going to spend what little money I had to get the fancy graphing paper that made for better maps either to be fair. I didn’t have much and whenever I did get any I spent it on comics or other NES games. My point is that First Person View also looks dreadfully ugly on the NES and I don’t think it looked good in 1991 or whenever FCI made this game. I know people go gaga for these games and I’m glad for them but again I think it’s a big old pile of dog shit that I got on my shoe. Also I ain’t making no maps now if I ever decide to force myself to beat this game (I wanted to beat every NES game at one point and a part of me still does) it will be doing the fumbling around thing because I am also way too lazy to make any maps. Either way I don’t like this game. Turn Based RPGs on the NES for the most part aged way too badly for me.
I really want Base Wars to be one of the baseball games that I like. I want to put it on the sports games list of sports games that I approve of. I keep playing it hoping to finally get somewhere or even somewhat good at it. I don’t even expect to ever beat a season but a game or two would make me at least want to play this game again. I’ve never beaten a single game in any baseball NES game. I’ve gotten near the end of fucking Battletoads. I’ve beaten The Terminator and Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends. AND DR. CHAOS. AND DR. JEKYLL. Yet not ever beat the computer in any NES baseball game. I always never hit a home run or fly balls or literally sometimes hit the ball right into their hands. The reason I want to like this game is because it’s from Ultra aka Konami and I really don’t like not liking a Konami game because even the worst game they clearly polished that son of a bitch to look perfect. The second reason is that you play as fucking robots and that’s fucking cool. I want to be a Weird Mech Robot thats just designed to play Baseball. You also fight the other Robots! How the hell? Man if I make it to heaven the one question I’m going to ask God is “how the hell do you play Baseball games on the old NES?” because that’s the thing I want to know THE FUCKING MOST. I can do it somewhat sometimes with Bad News Baseball on my BEST DAY EVER. So yes, I’m calling in the Almighty to help me with this. To be fair I will rate this game at least okay because I know that Konami put tons of effort into it. Those guys were never slouches.
I’m glad the majority of Baseball games start with the letter B and they didn’t create ZOMBIE BASEBALL THIS GAME IS ACTUALLY COOL IF YOU CAN PLAY IT RIGHT or something like that. Nope for the most part I will be done with at least one sport when the B’s are done, actually I’ll be done even quicker but that’s for the next post. Anyway, Baseball is a black box game and i’m sure if I looked it up and saw some shitty falling apart box and but the hangtab was still there someone would still ask 2,000 dollars and get it. I won’t get into the entire rant because this game doesn’t deserve that. I don’t have to be good at Baseball games to tell you that this one IS shit. Even if I was the master of Baseball on the NES and no one could touch me and even Bo Jackson went “Wow This guy knows Baseball!” even then I’d say this game was worthless. It’s slow, it’s clunky, it’s better forgotten as a relic that it clearly is. Fuck this game.
Good Games: 24
Bad Games: 20
Okay Games: 6
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