Ranking and Reviewing THE MOST IMPORTANT CINEMA OF ALL TIME.

 

I had fun ranking and reviewing the A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and SCREAM films. I also wanted to do another one before this but I will have to start over with that series of films. I WILL KEEP SECRET ABOUT WHAT IT IS BECAUSE SECRETS ARE FUN. At least when I am the secret holder! When it's portnoyd they are scary and annoying! Anyway we are ranking and reviewing an INCREDIBLE amount of motion pictures today. I am not doing two parts because THAT'S FOR WIMPS. SO BUCKLE YOUR SWEET ASSHOLES IN BECAUSE  YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE. This is IMPORTANT and SERIOUS so get yourself some WATER and CLEAN PANTS because some of these rankings may MAKE YOU POOP YOURSELF!!!

So what are we ranking today? The 1980s cartoon movie. The movie based on cartoon series I mean. You would be thinking oh, like Transformers and GI Joe? Yes. BUT THERE WERE MORE THAN THAT. You want the list! TOO BAD! READ THIS SHIT TO GET THE LIST! I'm not spoiling this shit for you baby boy! We are doing this the HARD WAY. THE ONLY WAY. THE CLAWX WAY. So you BUCKLE IN YOUR CLEAN PANTS (and take a second pair just in case!!)  Oh and don't expect much boring shit like me going over how these movies were made to make money off young children like im some youtube video essayist. NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE every fucking thing you watch is made to make money! GET BENT! CAPITALISM BEAT YOUR COMMIE ASSES! 

One final thing, I couldn't find RoboTech the Movie because I don't think it was even ever put on VHS. I didn't watch every compilation movie. Thundercats had two, Defenders of the Earth had one, MASK had one, I wanted this to be readable for LINCOLN BRYANT who gets tired after 6,000 words so I had to cut SOME FAT. This is just a pretty large selection of the movies that were made from 80s Cartoon Shows. 

 

 It hurts me to put this last, because I did enjoy watching this. It's just that it's just random episodes of the tv show and I just can't put that any place but last. The rest of these at least put pen or pencil to paper or used a typewriter or whatever to write a script with a beginning middle and end. It didn't even pick episodes to put together that worked at as a movie like Jem or Inhumanoids or Thundercats. No, this just picked random episodes. Sure I like the cartoon but I'm trying to think how I'd feel if I went to see this in the theatre to get like maybe 10 mintues of new footage. It's 73 minutes of reused stuff you could easily still see on TV. It's fun stuff that I enjoyed watching. I love Heathcliff's little laugh and how he will fuck literally anyone up, including his owner. Don't get in his way. He's a boss. It's just uh, it's not an actual movie so it HAS to go here, even if it was less annoying thant the Smurfs and way less boring than Liberty and the Littles. Plus it let's Portnoyd be ANTI-HEATHCLIFF like the MONSTER he is. 

 

 This was the one I was really least interested in watching. You see I call this 'forced edutainment". When I was a kid a children's station around here would should the Charlie Brown specials, all 92 trillion of them (along side the short lived two season tv show the Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show). One I remember was about World War I and II it started about the USUAL CHARLIE BROWN SHINANIGANS and then just started talking about stuff related to those wars. I know Charles Shulz fought in those wars and was probably proud of that special but man It wasn't one I liked watching. That's for sure. I'm not totally against edutainment. I'm sure I learnt things from Mr Rogers, Mr. Dressup (think Canadian Mr. Rogers) and Sesame Street. I'm just against shoving educational things into something like The Littles. The Littles was a short lived cartoon about Little elf chipmunk people living in the house of HENRY BIGG that somehow ended up with a movie and this special which was movie length and was on the ABC Weekend Special (yes that's where Capt Readmore the pirate Cat came from. I know about the recesses of your mind!). This one ends up taking place in the Statue of Liberty and some French Littles are under the FASCIST control of THE GENERAL. The Littles save the day and somehow a magician person and his crow try to destroy the Statue of Liberty but you could also take that entire segment out of this. I'm pretty sure it was there to make sure this was the length the ABC WEEKEND SPECIAL people wanted it to be. This is honestly boring despite being kinda weird at times. I also didn't really learn anything new about liberty and I doubt any child would have either which makes it kind of a failure in my eyes. Also the dad Little reminds of Mr. Kelly my hated teacher from the fifth and seventh grade (I had him for Seventh Grade twice and I'm going to tell you THE FART STORY because fuck it I don't really care and it's my shitty craphole place on the internet to post whatever the hell I want too. Anyway this was after I had stopped being friends with my SHITTY BULLY FRIEND and after I had failed the Seventh grade and I was hoping to make friends with someone new and maybe be more popular. The ENTIRE class was in the Library and well something made me blow wind. and not a small fart, like the worst damn fart I could do anyway. It was already embarrassing enough having everyone look at me and then MR KELLY comes over and literally forces me out of the door and tells me to go use the washroom. I have no idea what he expected me to do. Force out a shit? I really don't know. I'm pretty sure I did the whole walk around the school thing I would do whenever I went to use the bathroom. I did that for like years. If my class took place on the top of the building I'd walk all the way down to the bottom to use the bathroom. and Vice Versa. I didn't make friends with anyone because of what would later be known as anxiety but I still hate Mr. Kelly for that and other things. Petty yeah, but I don't give a shit.  YOU BETTER COMMENT ON THE FART STORY PORTNOYD. Did you have any Teachers you hated? Did you have hall monitors in your schools? It was weird.). This is one of those weird movies that if I were to explain it all to you you'd go "wtf" but if you were to watch it you'd honestly be kind of bored and I just don't care to say any more about this movie. This is the worst paragraph I have ever written.

 Dead fucking last is the Smurfs, which really is a shame because I like the Smurfs. The Smurfs are nice little creatures who just want to live life. That's it. The Smurfs really could have made a fun 1980s cartoon movie. I'm sure of it. However what we got was a 1975 film repacked in 1983. You are told the Smurfs are the main characters but that is a fucking god damned lie. The Main characters are Peewee (originally known as Peewit) and Johann (originally known as I don't give a shit) and the find a Magical Flute. Said flute is stolen by some fat asshole. Yeah the SMURFS movies big bad guy is not Gargamel but some fat asshole. He ends up teaming up with another fat asshole. Anyway the Magical flute can make people dance so the fat asshole uses it to steal stuff. Peewee and Johann meet some wizard that informs them of the Smurfs. around the 35 MINUTE MARK OF A FUCKING 73 MINUTE MOVIE. The Smurfs sing and then help to make another magical flute and then sing some more. They literally just do that. I can totally see a family going to see this and then their kids being pissed off and the family having to go to McDonalds or Toys R Us. I know I would be pissed off. The Smurfs barely do anything to help Peewee and Johann and Peewee is an annoying little shit and Johann has no fucking personality. This movie was a unwashed turd and Hanna Barbera should have been like DAMNIT PEYO THIS SHIT SUCKS LET US MAKE A MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY HAS THE SMURFS IN IT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. Shit ass garbage.

 

Oh hey, it's The Jetsons, I'm sure portnoyd will be like THE JETSONS WAS 1960S despite the fact it had a 1980s revival which has 51 episodes (the original show only had like 24 lol) it feels like this was the sendoff to the whole thing. it was originally going to be put out in 1989 only two years after the revivals end. They ended up putting out in 1990 and THE WIZARD replaced it. The Wizard is a better movie than this. You should all know that despite having a lot of fondness and love for Hanna and Barbera and their cartoons I just never cared about the Jetsons (oir the Flintstones) and I really do not care about this movie very much. It has one scene that I like of a song being sung by Judy Jetson (played by Tiffany, yes the I THINK WERE ALONE NOW girl) and that's about it. Tiffany replacing the original actress was a big thing back then. A lot of people didn't like it. I don't blame them. She's fine when it comes to singing but as a voice actress she's kinda hot ass. This movie also has the lowest stakes of any of the movies. George Jetson is sent to a new Spacely's Sprocket plant that's being seeing trouble. Elroy uh has his baseketball team (and he has this movie called the ELROY ELEVATOR which you'd think would come back to the plot near the end) and Judy has a boy. THEY HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR HOME so George can work on the new plant. The new plant is being sabotaged by some teddy bears alien creatures and they have to find a way to work with them. They start working with Spacely (they don't show how they can work with him but not destroy their houses. I guess they ran out of time/money or just didn't care) The Jetsons then go home. That's the plot. It's very dull. This was clearly like maybe a two part episode that was drug out to 82 minutes and it SHOWS. It is not fun to watch and I'm pretty sure I only saw it once before this maybe on tv. This was not something to watch in the theatre even at 1990 prices, or even rent. It was a "yeah lets watch it on TV I guess" kinda thing. The Jetsons suck and so does this movie. Oh, it also has a weird enviromental thing. At least it feels like they were trying to go for that but someone cut a bunch of it out and it just feels off. Still I'd watch this 30 times over The Smurfs movie because at least The Jetsons are the heroes of this damn story and do more than jump around and fucking dance. 

 

There are three things the fan bases of things have pretty much ruined for me. One is Rick and Morty. I saw a few episodes but the second I saw that video where people freaked out in a McDonalds I ran the other direction. Shame because those episodes were pretty good. (I saw a later episode and the show decided to crawl inside its own asshole and huff smugness so I don't really feel that bad that I still can't watch it). The other one is Star Wars (it doesn't help that most of the Star Wars content that isn't the original trilogy ranks from mediocre to fucking terrible but most of the fans are really terrible. The last one is My Little Pony. The first My Little Pony show I watched was the one that became INSANELY popular with dudes. I thought it was fun and cute and very entertaining. Then came the bronies and let's just say I ran the other direction and never watched another second of that version of My Little Pony. However bronies really kinda have soured all My Little Pony stuff for me. I probably should enjoy this more than I do but I just felt it was kinda boring and the only characters I liked where the Witch voiced by Cloris Leachman and the daughters voiced by Madeline Kahn and Rhea Pearlman. Also Danny DeVito and Tony Randall show up. These movies had some wild voice cast choices. I really don't know whos the craziest pick. This movie also has the WORST songs from all of them. Holy shit there's only one that sticks in my head. It's still better than the last few movies but I can't put it any higher than 2.5 stars and in 17th place! Things get much better from here though!

 Babar was a 1989 animated series that ran from 1989 to like i dunno 1993? I don't care enough to look it up honestly. It was based around the books by an old dead guy. From France. It was the definition of OK. You wouldn't be sad if you missed it because you went out somewhere and you wouldn't turn off the Super Nintendo to watch it but you still ended up seeing like all of the episodes. Even the episodes from the revival series from 2000. It was inoffensive and all I really remember about it was the theme music which was pretty great. The cartoon and this movie were made by Nelvana a Canadian Animation company so Canadians voiced Babar. Gordon Pinsent was one of them. He voiced Babar! He was also born in Newfoundland. He was also in the cinematic masterpiece Blacula. This movie would probably be up higher if I watched it earlier but after watching like all of the top 10 and even the movies above this it shows that it's just at best is okay. I also remember this VHS tape becuase it was at every Video Rental Store around here. It has some pretty good animation and the plot is fine, Babar and his future wife save people from Rataxas king of the Rhinos. It's just not as memorable as pretty much any movie that comes after this one. This is the point where the movies get pretty great. I will say I like the animation it has this weird comforting vibe to it and the way they draw old elephants is pretty amazing. Who knows I might even end up watching this again. I dunno.

 

Go Bots are unfairly considered a Transformers ripoff. They came first. Like Heathcliff. It does not matter that Transformers beat their asses in with a better cartoon or better toys or whateer. They showed up FIRST. By like a year or so! Or at least a few months! I mean Transformers had like Marvel behind them writing the backstory and everything and Go Bots just feels like a ripoff. It's weird though. I do like the Go-Bots because well I like transforming giant robots and I don't care where they come from. From Japan or Hanna Barbera. This one has Kojak, Lois Lane and Cesar from Planet of the Apes voicing the Go-Bots. Margot Kider seems SO bored but Telly Savalas is clearly having fun. I get the feeling he had a grandchild that was into Go-Bots or something. I dunno. I'm not his biographer. This one involves the new TOYS  Characters the Rock Lords. They could transform into rocks. Kinda uh, silly but they look cool so they are much better than Headmasters. I will never like the Headmasters. The EVIL Rock Lord TELLY SAVALAS wants the sceptres of the other Rock Lords so they can combine them into one GIANT EVIL SCEPTRE and LEADER 1 (what a terrible name) and CY-KILL (what a great name) try to stop him and also screw him over. It's a simple story. I just find it pretty charming. I love the designs of the Go-Bots. And the Rock Lords and all of it. I like how the "cute" Go-Bot Scooter literally looks like he's always high. At least when he's smiling. I like the look of CY-KILL and I love the look of the angry transgender Go-Bot Crasher. Seriously look at her and tell me she's not that. So yeah, This is fun stuff and I'll probably watch it again. You can sass the Go-Bots all you want but they did not get FUCKED IN THE ASS SEVERAL TIMES by MICHAEL BAY. That's pretty good you know.

 

Here Comes the Littles is probably the most obscure of the movies I'll be talking about today. Like It amazed me when I found out there was ONE Littles movie. When I found out a second movie I think I pooped myself a little. It was that amazing. Anyway The Littles were the stories of a group of little elf chipmunk people that would have adventures and be friend a child named Henry Bigg. Yes. That's his last name. Anyway this was the origin story for the Littles. It showed how they met Henry Bigg. This movie takes place in like one place pretty much. It takes place in AUGUSTUS BIGG's house. He has taken control of Henry's house after his parents went missing. He faked being his caretaker and faked owning his brothers house. Augustus is a gross looking old man, probably born in like 1900. He looks like someone straight out of a Charles Dickens novel which is pretty great. I also love how they make his house feel like the oldest, shittiest house they could animate. God bless the Japanese. I will kiss every Japanese person who worked on this movie. on the mouth. sexually. This is a pretty fast paced story that has a good amount of laugh out loud moments. It's a pretty fun watch and I recommend it. It's on Youtube for anyone whos interested. A vhs release and a ORIGINAL REELS SHOWN IN THEATRES version. I have seen both. Yes, I've watched Here Comes the Littles twice. I am really cool. 

 The last film in the Care Bears Movie trilogy. Yes, the Care Bears Movie trilogy. I will state the obvious fact that it is better than the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy. Oh, what you thought the obvious fact was "THEY MADE THREE OF THEM?" Yes. Care Bears were popular as hell in the 1980s. They still are forty years later. I had tons of Care Bears from when I was a WEE LITTLE BABE that I kept for a long time. Sadly I do not have them any more. I loved the TV series, the first two movies and some other stuff. I did not like this movie the first time I saw it. I don't know why. I remember renting it because it was from a Blockbuster away from where we usually go. You remember that Calvin and Hobbes strip that is just about Calvin hoping his life stories don't become rambling messes after listening to his dad. I always think of that strip whenever I mention some dumb thing like renting this movie from a Blockbuster we didn't go to regularly. Anyway I re-watched it several times recently enough and it's a pretty enjoyable ride. They go to Wonderland but it totally feels like a different Wonderland than Disney's version. The songs are really nice and several of them are now stuck in my head. They might be there a while so I'm glad I like them. Speaking of the music Grumpy Bear raps at the end. I'm at least calling it a rap. Its close enough for me. It's the best white person rap of all time. The animation is pretty good from us BEAUTIFUL CANADIANS and the voice acting is great. I really enjoyed rewatching this one again and will probably do it again in the future because I am a cool guy.

 

Hey. I said I was gonna watch as many 80s cartoon movies as I could and I'm standing by that fact. Another fact is that GIRLY CARTOONS ARE FUCKING AWESOME. Rainbow Brite has a friend named Twink and that made me laugh because well I'm sure you can find out why. So what is Rainbow Brite about? It's the story of Rainbow Brite, she has awaken from her winter slumber to start up spring only to find out someone is trying to take over the crystal planet that helps change seasons (I don't know???) and she has to find out whats up with that. I also loved her friend and his robotic horse. Mostly the cool cyborg horse, her friend was kind of a whiny shit. The bad guy they have to stop, a Princess who wants to take over the crystal planet and own it ofr herself because she's a greedy bitch is fucking hilarious. She's kinda like some valley girl who's an evil princess. The bad guys from the usual show (I'm guessing, I never saw it) Murky and Lurky are a lot of fun. I really have to give it to this movie because they literally blow the bad guy the fuck up at the end. Seriously. It's kind of hilarious how hardcore Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer gets. It's a fun time from the past. It also has a VERY space anime feeling because well it was animated by Tokyo Media Shinsha I think. They worked with DIC a lot. I am too lazy to look that up for real. Anyway this is a fun movie and you get to hear the heavenly voice of Charlie Adler!

 

 

 This cartoon lasted 15 episodes but you knew it was working up to be a HUGE HIT. First off done by the same people who did Transformers, GI Joe and Jem. Secondly it's about GIANT MONSTERS. The problem was some parents who brought it upon themselves to raise everyones children instead of just their own were like NO THIS CARTOON IS TOO SCARY FOR MY LITTLE BILLY and bam, it was gone. I remember bringing this up to portnoyd once and he was like THAT WASNT REAL JERK and well PORTNOYD IT IS REAL. SO YOU SHUT YER MOUTH. anyway I first heard of these guys sometime as an adult when I saw the toys and SHIT MY PANTS. Tendrill, D'Compose and Metlar are the COOLEST TOYS FROM THE 1980S. I will own them. So the movie itself is pretty awesome but the problem is the heroes might just be the most boring heroes of any 1980s cartoon, only like one of them was any fun to watch. A character named Augger or something like that who's personality trait was IM ANGRY which was really funny to me. The plot of this movie MIGHT be the craziest one. I might do a full review of this movie so I can talk about everything wild that happens in this movie. The plot starts with the Inhumanoids D'Compose and Tendrill wake up and then go off to save Metlar their boss. Metlar then wants to turn the world into a fucking shithole covered in molten lava. He steals a bunch of missiles from THE COMMIES and then the quickest OH SHIT WE NEED TO HURRY UP AND FINISH THIS STORY WITHIN THE TIME WE HAVE and I mean so much shit happens in like the last 5 minutes that it probably could have been an entire episode of this show! It was nuts. Anyway this is pretty great.

 

 I fucking love Alvin and the Chipmunks.  I would watch them all the damn time as  a child. YTV showed reruns all the time. I've seen every episode of The Chipmunks Go To the Movies. No one has done that. The wacky antics of Alvin, Simon, Theodore and the Chipettes will never ever not amuse me. Also someone showed me a picture of Irma from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Jeanette together and I was AMAZED. They are literally the same character. Somehow Jeanette was transformed into a human being and became friends with April O Neil. No rest for Jeanette/Irma as she had to put up with another group of wacky rascals! Anyway this movie is fantastic. It's very funny, really well animated and has the gayest animated character of all time (the bad guy of the duo. holy hell he has clearly fucked many mens assholes). This is an adventure around the world to bring diamonds to smugglers. Yeah, they just made any old plot they wanted to for these movies and IT WAS AWESOME. I don't know if this movie or a movie above has the best music but this one is incredible! INCREDIBLE! There is also a group of villagers that look like white dudes but sound like stereotypical Asian men. They really like the song Wooly Bully. They call it Woory Burry. It's very weird.  they might have been supposed to be Peruvian or something. Do they sound like stereotypical Chinese guys as played by Mickey Rooney????? I will never know because I will never go to Peru (sorry Peru) 

 Tex Hex reminds me of my uncle. Which I think is pretty cool. My Uncle is a pretty nice man and would not approve of what Tex Hex gets up to in this movie. Did you know that Tex Hex was originally a bad guy for the Ghostbusters cartoon with the Ape? Yep. but LOUIE S head of Filmmation was like this guy is too cool to waste as a random henchmen and he was right! Well sorta right. They made this entire cartoon to try to sell to Mattel and they did, but the original starting point was to use Tex Hex in something more than Ghostbusters But With An Ape. This cartoon was not a very big hit. The toy line came out first and the children of the 1980s had no idea who BraveStarr was. By the time the cartoon came out, Mattel had stopped caring. This movie was supposed to come out first but somehow ended up coming out last. This was the second to last thing Filmation ever made. They even closed their doors after making this. Somehow the movie Happily Ever After, their Snow White movie came out nearly a decade later after it should have in like 1994 or 1995. It's a pretty entertaining little movie in my mind. So is BraveStarr The Movie AKA BraveStarr the Legend. This movie really shows what Filmation could do when they had a budget over 6 cents. I love the designs of all the characters and the backgrounds and even a lot of the animation. Filmation was known for being cheap as hell but I do respect LOUIE S for wanting to keep American animators with jobs. The plot of this movie is pretty wild. First off it starts off in space with a Native American shaman who jettisons a child in a pod out in to the DEPTHS OF SPACE so that STAMPEDE cannot find him. That child ends up becoming BRAVESTARR. We see the origin of TEX HEX and some other character who I will call JOURNALIST BOB because I think he's a Journalist. He flies around in some kind of FANCY SPACE WHEELCHAIR and it rules. His daughter is a FEISTY WOMAN named JB who is the new judge of SPACE TEXAS and even gets into a relationship with BRAVESTARR. They are being harassed by Stampede's goons and BRAVESTARR has to stop them. We meet THIRTY THIRTY the SAUCY talking horse and all the characters from the show in a really fun little piece of animation. It does a very good job of getting you up to speed for the show. I wish it had worked out better for ol' Marshall BraveStarr.

 

 This is the movie that brought SHE RA into the Masters of the Universe uh universe. It starts off with new bad guy Hordak (one of the few He-Man related figures I had as a kid) kidnapping She-Ra. He Man finally finds out from the Sorceress and they end up going to the world of Etheria to find her. I mean Sorceress doesn't actually tell him that this person he has to go look for is his sister or even what she might look like. Just that the sword will know who it is. He has to find out shes his sister the hard way. The Sorceress is kind of a jerk. Anyway this show also brings in the She-Ra cast and they get to do enough stuff that makes you want to now tune into She-Ra. You get a lot of great Skeletor moments even though he's not in it enough. Hordak is a lot of fun and so are the new bad guys. There's not much to say here except that again Filmation could really do good work when given a budget more than 2 nickels. Also this one ends hilariously quickly just like the Inhumanoids did. It's very amusing. If you like He-Man you'll like this and if you don't like He-Man, why the fuck are you even reading this stupid blog you moron?

 The Care Bears Movie is awesome! I watched this one quite a bit as a kid. There was one scene where the little girl character the Care Bears have to show how to CARE again is clapping her hands and it looked like she was mentally challenged. My sister and I being SAUCY CHILDREN would go wild making fun of that scene. We were jerks. Anyway this time the Care Bears have to stop a MAGICAL BOOK and a boy named Nicholas. The way the book says Nicholas is one of the creepiest damn things on the planet. I've seen 283420890 horror films but somehow the creepiest things are still that voice and the theme song to Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Speaking of Are You Afraid of the Dark? this movie was animated in Canada and every Care Bear was voiced by Canadians except for I think Georgia Engel who played Ted Baxter's girlfriend in the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I like that I know that but if you asked me what the question to some algebra question I'd probably just have a heart attack and die to get out of answering. Mickey Rooney also voiced the grown up Nicholas. I'M SORRY I SPOILED THE CARE BEARS MOVIE FOR YOU BUT I KNOW YOU'D NEVER WATCH IT BECAUSE IT'S GIRLY. I AM A GIRLY MAN AND I AM PROUD. GIRLS RULE. This movie has some great music and I like it a lot. I will sometimes watch the songs on YouTube because again I'm very cool. I get laid every 32 seconds.

 I wish I had seen this cartoon as a child because it's fucking AMAZING. I would have watched so much of Jem it probably would have made people puke. I don't give a shit, girl cartoons rule. I was already considered the weird kid so why the fuck should I try to PLAY BY THE SCHOOLYARD RULES. I mean I'd never mention I'd watch them. I had enough social skills to understand that but I would have watched this as much as the Care Bears Movie and The Good The Bad and the Huckleberry Hound (if portnoyd is not good I will rate and review every Hanna Barbera movie, in fact I just might do it anyway!). I only watched the most respectable of cinema at five years old. Anyway this story starts off with the characters at a Funeral. Yep. Jerrica and Kimber's dad uhhh Henry Howard died. I don't know the characters name. We meet Eric Raymond who is voiced by Charlie Adler and just sounds like a normal man. Wild. He wants to run Starlight Music. The Misfits (the superior Misfits, they are better than the actual real life band and no I won't take that back) cause a ruckus and when Jerrica finds out they are being supported by Starlight Music she goes to Eric Raymond. They have a bet if Jerrica's band wins she gets Starlight Music but if she doesn't he gets it. Also if they win BATTLE OF THE BANDS some BILLIONAIRE will just give them a fucking house! Wild! Eric Raymond and the Misfits literally do EVERY EVIL THING UNDER THE SUN to keep them from winning. Oh and Jerrica is Jem becuase of a weird HOLOGRAM MACHINE that CREATES HOLOGRAMS that HENRY HOWARD created made her into Jem. This cartoon was fucking wild and I love it. The only problem is that this has some really bad animation. You can tell they put more money into Inhumanoids but enough people loved it that it got 3 seasons and 65 episodes. So it's all good in the hood. Jem is TRULY OUTRAGEOUS!

 

 We are finally getting to the stuff Portnoyd has seen. Portnoyd is INCREDIBLY GAY for GI JOE. Portnoyd would have HOT SEX with EVERYONE in GI JOE and COBRA. Portnoyd is a man whore for GI JOE. MAN WHORE. So this movie is where GI Joe gets really weird. So this movie has Serpentor try to put Cobra Commander on trial. He is found to be guilty. Some random SNAKE LADY shows up and she is working with Golan-Globus voiced by Burgess Meredith. Burgess is probably the most early 20th century name ever. Burgess Meredith is clearly having the time of his life voicing this character. So they end up teaming up with these guys to take over the damn world. THE ENTIRE WORLD. GI Joe has to stop this. The best part with like the next few movies is that despite the casts being LARGE AS FUCK, every single character gets to do something. The best part are with the RHYMING BLACK MAN ROAD BLOCK and Cobra Commander having to escape and Cobra Commander is turning into a snake (yes i told you it's weird). Oh and Cobra Commander was originally apart of Golan-Globus' community. These two together are incredibly funny. Also Sgt Slaughter despite sounding like a drunk mentally challenged man is one of the best parts of this movie. I love him so much. Anyway GI Joe clearly deserves a spot in the top 5 and thus it gets it. It's pretty wild how I did not watch this as a child. 

 Here it is. This is the movie I have seen the most in my entire life. I do not know how many times I saw this movie but it was a lot. I'm pretty sure my parents would just ask the video store clerk at KELLY'S VIDEO to not return it as they were going to end up watching the Care Bears fight Dark Heart (aka Satan) a 12 year old boy for the 49205th time. Anyway this is mostly nostalgia talking because If we are going ot be honest it seems the first movie and the third movie are better told stories. The Care Bears start out as babies in this movie and then are fully grown to fight Dark Heart at the end. It never tells you how long this takes either. It's very weird. Maybe they were getting ready to create BABY CARE BEARS for the toy line but gave up and it's still in the movie. I don't know but it's honestly kinda weird. I would love to ask the people who wrote these cartoons so many questions. They would probably get like several restraining orders against me. It's sad how THE HOLLYWOOD ELITE treat their fans. Anyway one of the best parts of this movie is Dark Heart. I don't know whos voicing him but they are giving it their all. He always dresses in red and when he turns into animals they are always red. I like to think he is Satan and the LOVE OF THE CARE BEARS DESTROYED SATAN because that's really really really funny. If i'm being honest the plot of this one should probably have it near the bottom becuase it's kinda all over the place but fuck you it's my list and you can suck my nads. THIS IS MY GAME OF DISAPPEARING BEARS AND YOUR GONNA HAVE TO PLAY IT. Also the movie gets children to scream I CARE I CARE at the end and yes this forty year old child did in fact start saying I CARE I CARE. I also believe it was in the middle of the night so I could have woken up my elderly parents BUT DAMNIT I CARE ABOUT THE CAMP CHAMP!!!

 I want to visit the alternative reality where this movie was a success. Not only were they planning to do sequels to it but you know they would have tried to make Rescue Rangers, TaleSpin and Darwking Duck. It would be beautiful. I would have went into that reality and stole those movies for all of the nice readers of this blog to watch. Still, the one movie we do have is pretty excellent, seeing as it gets the second spot out of twenty. That's pretty damn good for Scrooge McDuck and the gang. Every character in this movie gets something funny or awesome to do. It's very aware that some weird little kid's favorite was Huey even though Huey Dewey and Louie were not very different from each other but they still gave Huey some shit to do. It's nice. Even Ms Beakley and Duckworth get things to do. It's incredibly animated, but then again Disney put in like 20 million into this movie. It's really good. Also for like my entire life I thought Robin Williams voiced the Genie in this movie but no one really cared about that. It turns out it was the older, gayer but not hairier Robin Williams, Rip Taylor. I have not seen any other Rip Taylor movies to my knowledge. I don't even know why I called him a gayer Robin Williams. Then Again it's kind of a puzzle to know me or read anything I write. Sometimes I just stop a thought in mid sentence. It's pretty wild but I think kinda fun to piece to gether what I actually meant to say. I'm a puzzle but also once you figure said puzzle out you do go why the hell did I do that? and go do something else. This movie also has great music, but orchestral kinda stuff. Christopher Lloyd does a great job as the bad guy and really should have voice acted more. I'm going to be very sad when Christoper Lloyd passes away. He was only in 420592054920492049204 movies that I love.

 I think the Transformers might be the most well made 80s cartoon series. Not my favorite (that would be a tie between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Real Ghostbusters). I get the feeling the people behind it really liked the whole idea. I could be wrong. Maybe it just felt like a chore and they'd rather be working at Marvel Comics. I have never spoken to any of these people. It's just this show had the best worldbuilding and backstory and all that of all the shows. If a person wanted too they really could make a good series of movies out of this show. Since I only even saw the 1980s Transformers in reruns I never did see this movie or I think even the third season until I was an adult. Legally an adult I mean. I saw this in 2005. I'm pretty sure it made me check out the show again and even see the third season.  I thought it was awesome. The 4-5 year olds who saw it in the theatre because they wanted to see their robot friends have a fun adventure did not. They murder the SHIT out of an insane amount of Transformers. It's kind of amazing how graphic this movie is (did you know they were going to kill Duke in GI Joe until the outcry from this movie happened). I just happened to really enjoy the new characters. Arcee, one of like I dunno 3 lady Transformers. Grumpy old man Kup (I love grumpy old men). Ultra Magnus and Rodimus Prime. I never got the hatred for Rodimus. He was just trying to warn Optimus! He's also voiced by Bender from the Breakfast Club! Judd Nelson is a cool guy! The rest of the cast is great too. Leonard Nimoy, Orson Welles, Lionel Strander and ROBERT STACK. Yes, the Unsolved Mysteries guy was a fucking Transformer! I get the feeling that a grandchild of his got him to do this movie! The music in this movie is amazing. The Touch is an 80s classic (Stan Bush rules! HE EVEN DID MUSIC FOR SAILOR MOON! THAT'S HOW COOL HE IS!) The Transformers theme by Lion is cool as fuck (even if they say UNICORN instead of UNICRON in the song!) and it even has music by Weird Al! The plot is pretty good, it brings the Transformers back to Cybertron and outer space to fight UNICRON voiced by Orson Welles. He's really good in the movie even if he did not care about doing it. If you are reading this you probably have already seen this movie but you really should watch it again. It rules!!!

 

You know whats weird about all this, the 1990s did this too but like halfed. They had a few compliation tapes made into movies and like I think two or three actual movies. We are going to look at one of those movies tomorrow or whenever I feel like it. Soon, but who knows if it's tomorrow or not. Anyway catch ya later! 

NES Game Reviews #63: The Lode Runner watches the Lone Ranger, Little Samson, Lilttle Ninja Bros and Loopz get naked like a fucking creepy pervert.

 I love this AD. Love it. I love the freaky big headed surfer who looks like he's doing some kind of squat because he has to poop. I like the fact that he looks like he's stoned OUT of his mind. I do not think you are supposed to surf like that but I DO NOT KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SURFED. The Ocean kind of scares me. Anyway. I love that POWER BLADE 2 and LITTLE SAMSON are in the same AD. It's really great. I also love that HIT THE ICE was never released but got put in an ad. I have no idea what those game boy games are like. Maybe one day I will review every Gameboy game. Who knows? It's not like I have anything else better to do with my precious God given time on this planet. Anyway this AD rules and I want to own the magazine or comic it comes from. The person on eBay wants $20 for this. Remember when I said that a classmate I was friendly with called me a stupid idiot for wanting this stuff? WHOS THE STUPID IDIOT NOW BILLY YOU SHIT!??

 

 

Little Ninja Brothers is a game I really want to get into. It's a weird little RPG kinda game. You get into battles and then it turns into the game KUNG FU HEROES that I reviewed a little while ago. You fight all the enemies in the area and then that helps you level up. The biggest problem with this game is that I have no fucking clue what to do. The NPCs talk about random bad guy that you have to stop and other nonsense but never give me a clue as what to do. I got to some mini game that I could not play at all and lost. I don't know if I even need to play this fucking mini game! There's a great little game in here and I really need to deep dive into it but where the hell do you go to help you in a LITTLE NINJA BROTHERS deep dive? I will figure this game out and if I have to do that mini game I probably will just cry because it was one that wants you to hit the game pad so much that your thumb would explode and not exist anymore. I want to keep my thumgs LITTLE NINJA BROTHERS. Anyway I'm sitll gonna put this in the good pile because I really think this probably could be CULTURE BRAINS best game. I don't want to be called biased towards ELECTRO BRAIN!!!

 This game or Blaster Master might be my favorite NES game. I really do not know which one to choose. It makes me sad that I would recommend this all over the place back in the day (and weirdly be a NES HIPSTER and sass Super Mario Brothers 3 and other popular titles and be like PLAY LITTLE SAMSON JERK. I don't get too embarrassed by my past but this still embarrass the hell out of me). I just wanted to share this and other cool underrated games. I had no idea that people would push the price of it up to over 2 THOUSAND DOLLARS. I'm sorry, even though I doubt I really did much in the end. Also here is my discussion on LITTLE SAMSON RARITY. It is not rare, thanks to the Newfoundland rule. I had a copy I bought from cracked8ball for fifty dollars. Someone else had a copy selling it for 50 dollars. I know a guy who has a copy that was sealed but he opened it or got it that way. I have no idea. The fact four copies of this game came to my small ass Canadian province that no one outside of Canada (and most people in Canada) do not realize is a thing. Now to discuss the actual game. It's fucking great. The music and graphics are wonderful. The character designs all look great. The fact that all four characters (Little Samson, Golem, Dragon and Mouse) are actually needed to beat the game and you have to pretty much play as all of them is a great thing. It's like Bucky O Hare in that way. I like games that give you different guys to play as. I might just like Super Mario Bros 2 the most for that reason, even if you could beat that game with just one guy. This is a great game but no it is not worth $2 grand. The reasons I went back to the NES were to get that SWEET NOSTALGIA FIX and to enjoy legitimately great games like this one for semi-cheap. I cannot wait for the day when all of this stuff is considered dumb and worthless again. It has to happen. 

 

I do not know where Portnoyd lands on this game and I'm kind of curious. Personally I fucking hate Lode Runner with a passion of a ten thousand fiery suns. No I don't care that it's an early game. This game would be a stinky turd under the Christmas Tree in 1986 or whenever the FUCK it came out.  I do not care. This is a bad ugly annoying game. I don't care about the graphics or music, both are fine for when they came out. The problems are such. The enemies seem to run to you like they want to make sweet love to your bootyhole. The getting rid of blocks for the enemies to run into is annoying as you have to set up the right place because if YOU fall into the damn block it's pretty much game over (or a warp. wild). You have to pick up random bits of gold and then run to the exit. Not even nice enough to just stop the stage and load the new one. nope you gotta run to the exit. Oh and then they add in blocks you can't remove becuase way to ruin THE FUCKING ONLY GOD DAMNED ATTACK YOUR SHITTY ASSHOLE CHARACTER HAS GAME THANKS ALOT. I do not think I've ever seen past stage 1 until to day. SOmehow I got to stage 5. I do not believe the person who runs the website TAKE ON THE NES LIBRARY. I do not believe you beat this game. I do not believe anyone can. I do not believe God HIMSELF COULD BEAT THIS FUCKING MISERABLE PILE OF SHIT. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate HATE HATE HATE HATE LODE RUNNER. I hope I never have to play  this MISERABLE SHIT ASS GAME EVER AGAIN.

 

The Lone Ranger is yet another game based on something from decades prior. Were The Lone Ranger reruns popular enough to warrant this games existence? I'm not totally sure but I am glad this game exists, even if it does have it's problems.  You play The Lone Ranger who is in search of Butch Cavendish who also wants to kidnap Warren G Harding or some old fucker from the past. I don't know. Anyway this game gives you a lot of bang for your buck. You get over the top stages, you get 3D Maze levels like Golgo 13 (done better here, sorry damien) you get side scrolling stages and you get zapper shooting stages. The big problem is that this game is pretty long and you really should have had a save function instead of a password. You get a password after you beat a level and once you get to level 5 (out of 8 I think) the levels get PRETTY big. A save that would have known you were half way through level 5 would have worked better than that. Still a very unique experience and it's Konami so you know it's good. It's just that the challenge is pretty all over the place and a save function would have been better than a password. I'm still putting this one in the GOOD section as it's overall really GOOD.

 

 Hey, I know I've said this before but I think this might be the last game I can say this for. This is the last sports related NES game I had to play. I don't think it ever worked on my emulator and I don't think I ever took it off my shelf the second I bought it. It just went in between LONE RANGER and LOW G MAN where it belongs. We respect the MIKE ETLER RARITY LIST AROUND HERE SON. Gonna have to talk to that ANTSEEZEE guy. I was very confused by this game. I thought you had to make a giant loop around the screen but you don't. Now that I know what to do it seems like an interesting puzzle game and I'm going to probably come back to this post later on and comment on it in the comments. PORT SHOULD I BOTHER TRYING ANY MORE LOOPZ (we need to bring back the using Z instead of S to seem cool again. It would make me feel like I'm in 1992 again and that everything is good and not frightening)

 I think finding out how rare a game honestly is might just be impossible. I say this becuase Low G Man is rated a B on Mike Elter's list. That is wild becuase Newfoundland had copies of this game POPPING OUT OF FUCKING EVERYWHERE. If a place sold old Retro NES games they had a copy of Low G Man. Every flea market table, every fucking game store, pawn shop or whatever. If you could It's a good thing though because if you want to own a pretty enjoyable NES platformer you could have easily found a copy, or like fifteen. You play as the Low Gravity Man who has to fight a bunch of WEIRD JERK ALIENS to save his planet. He can stun the aliens and then jump on them and JAM A FUCKIN JAVELIN OR SOMETHING LIKE IT INTO THEIR HEAD. Low G Man is Charles Bronson's great great great great great great great great grandson. I say this because this game takes place in THE FUTURE!!!!!!! WOAH! FUTURE! It's a well done time by KID. They might not have made this game as wild as Kickmaster or the GI Joe games but it's still a solid time. Only problem is that I think you have to beat this game like 4 times to really see the ending and that's way to damn much, even in like 1991 or whenever this game first came out. 

 

GOOD GAMES: 170

bBAD GAMES: 133

OKAY GAMES: 58

GAMES IMPATIENT: 6

GAMES OVERALL: 367

NES Game Reviews #62: Little Nemo and the Little Mermaid Play Little League Baseball With A Lethal Weapon Against Linus Spacehead in the Cosmic Crusade. Uh, the Life Force is watching in the bleachers. I guess.

 I am working on what might be my LARGEST post of all time. I am keeping it a secret on what it is. I hope portnoyd enjoys it. However I have been working on it for a week and I just want to update this blog before I forget about it or something. I dunno. This game ad is from a comic book. I can tell because I've seen it on several comic books I own. They wanted this game to be a real big hit which is kinda wild to me. I will get to why when I get there.  So I guess we will talk about six games and then portnoyd will talk about those six games. It's a fun back and forth.

 

You know what's insane. This game is better than the SNES version. Holy hot SHIT that game is one of the WORST on the Super Nintendo. Doesn't make this game GOOD but I like it more than that one. This game's graphics and look are so weird. European made games of this time just looked so off. It was something that was so close but so so far. They have this fake game made for a TV show feel to them. This one is a beat em up and I can't think of many beat em ups made by european companies. It's also uh, not very good? You can beat up the bad guys or shoot them.  This game is very generic and also really kinda easy until it isn't. It's not a good progression of challenge. It's just easy, easy easy, BALLS HARD. I somehow beat this one for the bounty and it was not worth it yet I am glad I have beaten it. I also have to mention that this game feels so far away from Lethal Weapon it's not even funny. Like the Back to the Future games feel closer to the movies than this game does. I also like how JOE PESCI is watching behind their backs yet never shows up in this game. This game is not very good but I also don't hate it. I guess I'll be nice and put it in the OKAY section. Actually no, it is bad. BAD SECTION. I will stop talking about this game so I don't change my mind any more.

 

Life Force is a shump. It's also A BETTER GAME THAN GRADIUS. Yes. I said that. I think this game has better graphics, better stage, better challenge level, cooler bosses than Gradius. I know I MADE THE WORLD ANGRY AT ME. I mean they would be if they knew this place existed. Hell the world be really angry at me for my dumb opinions on pop culture/nerd bullshit. We really take this stuff way too seriously. This game has great graphics, great music, it's fast and furious. I like how the levels change the kind of shump you are playing each level. It's totally one of the top 5 shumps on the NES. I really don't have much else to say about it. Just that the same issue with every shooty game on any system is that if you get hit in a latter stage it's just so much easier to quit and start over. None of these games are very long and you should be able to get back to where you were quickly. Losing like all of your power ups is a pain in the booty hole but I guess every single one of these games would be piss easy if you didn't. Anyway excellent game and is worth owning and playing.

 

Oh GOOD FABULOUS DAY! FABULOUS DAY! I get to talk about Baseball! MY FAVOURITE THING IN THE WORLD! I do not understand any sports. Any of them. Okay, I get playing them. but I just do not understand watching them. I mean it might be something different if you are in the stadium or whatever with the players that might be something but watching them on TV is like the most boring thing on the planet. I never got it as a child. I don't get it as a older slightly larger child. It just never got into my sphere. I'd rather watch a movie, or a tv series or anything.. I'd rather go outside or play Nintendo. Play with my action figures. Just about everything. I do not know the rules of BASEBALL to this day. I do not want to know them. All of these games literally seem the same to me. All of them. Every single fucking one of them is I'm sure the same damn game. It's all a fucking cosmic joke on me. ISN'T IT. I guess  because this game was made by the SATURDAY NIGHT KNIGHTS aka SNK it has a pretty good chance of being good if you know what the fuck to do involving BASEBALL. Seriously I always just smack the ball and it turns out to be a fucking foul. Fuck baseball. I'm tired of fucking talking about it. I can't believe I have at least 30 more fucking sports games to talk about. GOD.

 This is a weird game because it's a mix of two games. A point and click adventure game and a sidescroller. It's also weird because the point and click stuff is pretty well done. You have a big world to explore and find out where everything goes. I mean I'm not very good at these games but I was at least into playing through this one. I just stopped because I found out you have to do side scrollering segments and I think the Linus Spacehead games have the fucking worst controls of any single game on the NES. They are testicle destroying bad. You are always hopping and it's just so bad. I don't know why you couldn't just keep this a point and click game. You did good with that. YOU JUST HAD TO OPEN UP YOUR ASSHOLES AND SHIT ALL OVER THIS. WHY???

 I talk a lot about the Disney TV Series of the 1990s but I haven't really mentioned the movies as much. There were two Disney movies I remember watching a good amount. The Little Mermaid and Aladdin.  I think we owned a good amount of them but I might have watched The Beauty and the Beast or The Lion King.........twice? I think I liked the movies Walt Disney worked on in the 1940s-1960s and stuff prior to the Disney Renaissance. Oliver and Company and The Great Mouse Detective are cinematic gold. The Fox and the Hound makes me cry. Yes, if you want to see a mountain of a man cry just put that movie on. I will weep like a baby. Or at least I did the last time I watched it. The Little Mermaid was a pretty good movie and this was a pretty good game based on that movie. Brought by the SECOND best NES company (sorry port you know it's true) and it's the one Disney game by them that doesn't get brought up a lot. It's also probably the easiest except for the last level but It's still a lot of fun. I enjoy playing this game and it has good music and good graphics. There's also not much to talk about it. It's just well done video game licensed game.

 

Can I say that I love that the NES just picked from literally EVERYWHERE to make games out of things. They picked novels from the late 19th century (Tom Sawyer and Dr. Jekyll), TV shows from the 1960s (like Gilligans Island), ANTI DRUG PROPAGANDA (Wally Bear) and THE FUCKING BIBLE! (a literal series of these games!). It was a pretty wild madhouse really. Little Nemo The Dream Master might have the wildest backstory. First off it was created by Windsor McCay in 1912 or whenever as a old timey comic strip. Each comic in the sunday paper would have like HALF a page or a FULL page for people to draw wild shit on. I want to read the Little Nemo comic. Then 70 years later Japan is like LET'S MAKE THIS INTO AN ANIME MOVIE (which was probably the first anime I ever saw) and they made a game based on that Anime. A fantastic game. You get candy and you can turn different kinds of enemies to your side and get their power and different enemies you get do different things. You also get a lot of big levels to look around in. This game makes looking around big stages really good. They also do several stages that don't stop. I dunno what the name is for those kind of levels but they just keep on moving. Those were really well done and sometimes those levels can be annoying. You get a giant cool killer Final Boss and it feels great to fight him. A great little game to end this group of six off on.

GOOD GAMES: 165

BAD GAMES: 132

OKAY GAMES: 56

GAMES IMPATIENT: 6

GAMES OVERALL:  359

The Final Episode #142: Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad (1994 - 1995)

 

I just updated the links page for this series of Blog Posts. You can view it here if you really need too. I always check it over and go "That's a pretty good list of shows you've discussed here sonny boy!" Then I go "Oh, I need to finish off that "set" or I really should talk about more pre-1980s shows (which will happen)" Then I think I should probably talk about more shows from my home country of Canada and then I realize I have another 202 posts to put on my BIG LIST of THINGS TO DISCUSS for this blog. I hope to unless something amazing in my life happens talk about those things. I want to because it seems fun to do so. Anyway I finished off one "set" when I did the Gummi Bears. No shows left related to the Disney Afternoon will show up on the Final Episode as the only other one left lasted one season and that's material for TV YOU FORGOT ABOUT. Believe you me you forgot about a whopper of a tv show. Anyway I'm going to try to finish up another "set" which is Power Rangers and Power Rangers ripoffs. I've done Mighty Morphin Power Rangers twice and uh VR Troopers. So I got a bunch left to talk about! SO LET'S GO!

I've mentioned DiC a lot here but I don't think I've ever talked about Saban Entertainment. I loved them too. Their little ending logo is stuck in my head alongside the DiC logo, the Nelvana logo and the screaming Pac Man NES game art from Tengen. Saban Entertainment was created by Haim Saban in 1980. It used to compose music for TV shows and TV themes. They worked with DiC and made likre 493249092 theme songs. If you heard music from a TV show in the 1980s there's a good chance it was from SHUKI LEVY, Haim Saban's best pal. I assume. I hope they are. I hear Haim Saban is kind of a jerkasaurus rex. Anyway they found out about Super Sentai or Tokusatsu or whateer it's called in Japan and realized HOLY SHIT WE CAN MAKE LIKE 9420429 CHEAP TV SHOWS OUT OF THIS FOOTAGE. They got in with Power Rangers and it was a fucking HUGE ASS HIT and that made it possible to make VR Troopers, Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad, Big Bad Beetleborgs, Teenager Tattooed Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills, Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog (or osmething like that) and Masked Rider. All of that was from memory too. I really need to get laid. They then got sold to Disney and Haim Saban lives in a house made out of solid gold sleeping on a pile of money surrounded by beautiful women.

So who are THE SUPERHUMAN SAMURAI SYBER SQUAD? Well they are Matthew Lawrence one of the 82 LAWRENCE BROTHERS (along with his brother Joey and Andrew they were like ALL OVER THE 1980S AND 1990S).  Matthew is the middle brother. He was in Ms. Doubtfire. I didn't really like Ms. Doubtfire. There I HAVE TOLD YOU A SECRET THAT WOULD MAKE PEOPLE HATE ME. Ms. Doubtfire was kind of annoying and I like Robin Williams! He also worked on Boy Meets World and uh did voice acting in Kiki's Delivery Service which is a very whimsical and enjoyable piece of animation. I like it a lot. He was also in a sequel to Angels in the Outfield. It wasn't even the only sequel! ISN'T THAT NICE TO KNOW! The other members of TEAM SAMURAI where the random girl, another boy and one of the characters from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. I should talk about that show as it's the most 1990s thing of all time. They end up having to work together to stop VIRUSes created by TIM CURRY.

Tim Curry, yes that Tim Curry. He is the most delightful thing in this universe. If portnoyd even says a single bad thing about him when he comments on this in a few days time I will go to his house and poop in every single NES game box. He owns like all of them, so I'm gonna have to make a lot of poop. Tim Curry is hilarious, entertaining, delightful and can make just about any line of dialouge work. I literally get 10% happier just seeing him show up in something. It doesn't even have to be for the entire movie, just 5 minutes but man I'm happy to see him. He plays the main bad guy of this series and when they are IN THE REAL WORLD he's helped by some mopey goth loser. in the 1990s goths were dorks but now everyone wants a goth girlfriend. Maybe with time, enough time everything can change adn we can all be happy. I don't know what I'm even going for with these comments so let's just jump off into who wrote the Final Episode.

It's Jymn Magon, from the Adventures of the Gummi Bears! I am glad I get to type his cool ass name again! Jymn helped create this show! With Mark Zaslove, son of animator Alan Zaslove. He worked on shows like Challenge of the Go-Bots, Mighty Max and All Dogs Go To Heaven: The Series. Yes that had a 2 season series. Yes, I'll probably talk about it. No It wasn't very good. He was working as a writer up until 2020. 1985 to 2020. Damn good run! I will also Discuss Go-Bots and Mighty Max and am incredibly surprised that I have not done either at all!

I used to watch this on YTV and it was after I'm pretty sure some GIANT LOSER PARENTS WHO HAVE TO BUTT IN TO OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS and they got Power Rangers off the air! TOO MUCH VIOLENCE (not really) but they never did anything about these ripoffs. Which were the same damn thing with some minor variations! I think that's another reason I hate influencers of today. They butt way too much into other peoples business! STOP THAT! WORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR STUPID UGLY KIDS! Bunch of shit. Anyway I liked this show and I liked every other Power Rangers like show EXCEPT FOR ONE. actually two BUT WE WILL GET TO THOSE AND WHY WHEN I GET TO THEM! 

 The Final Episode was called "Take A Hike" and appeared on our TV screens April 11, 1995. Almost 31 years ago. Insert joke about how my body will turn to dust soon but hopefully after I write about Mighty Max. Hopefully I can last THAT long! Anyway this episode involves THE COOL GUY who is an ATHLETE and ALL THE GIRLS (and probably some boys) WANT TO SNUGGLE WITH. He just wants to do the hike and get back home! However he can't because MATTHEW LAWRENCE ISN'T THERE! He is talking to TOM BOY GIRL.. Also this show has WEIRD GUY. They are the TEAM that SAM LEADS but he is off having fun with Jennifer. The PG kind you dirty bitch! the BLACK GIRL gives everyone some trail mix! this is wild shit!

 the weird guy is named LUCKY and I already hate him. He is one of those FORCED WACKY characters. He wears glasses he can't see out of so he doesn't hurt his eyes and his radio gets static which makes TOM BOY GIRL happy because they are there to record sunspots or some shit. I dunno. Personally I'm just waiting for the rubber monsters! Like I did 31 years ago in 1995! We then get some SCIENTIFIC MUMBO JUMBO from TOM BOY GIRL. Then we move over to MALCOLM FRINK the human bad guy who helps KILOKHAN take over the world by destroying electrons with his EVIL RUBBER MONSTERES. Wait did Tim Curry not do this episode becuase wow that's not his voice and whoever is doing that is clearly not caring. The guy playing MALCOLM FRINK is clearly having fun though. I like him. He's a weird evil goth geek. He helps create the look of the monsters and then KILOKHAN brings them to life. This one is going to TAKE ALL THE WORLDS ELECTRICITY because of the SUNSPOTS or whatever the fuck.

THE RUBBER MONSTER is taken to the GRIDWORLD which somehow will EFFECT THE REAL WORLD. I don't know how so don't think too hard about it. Really.  COOL ATHLETE MAN and the others just talk about things and make bad jokes. They try to get COOL ATHLETE MAN to do something and be a leader but he's JUST A WHINY BABY about it. I might try to TONE DOWN ON THE CAPS LOCK BUT I DON'T KNOW. They start losing electricty and KILOKHAN shows up on the computer screen and tells them what they will have to do. They want to meet up with Matthew Lawrence but they cannot because nothing works. They are all hoping Cool Athlete Man will take charge and not be a weiner. CAN'T HAVE A GIRL LEADING THE GROUP NOW CAN YOU? sorry maybe last use of caps lock.

She's trying to get him to be SERVO but he's like there's no turning on the computer or a guitar to start it up which I guess happened in other episodes. I dunno. This is honestly kinda boring. Anyway BLACK GIRL talks about WIND POWER and I guess that's what they will use to get into the GRIDWORLD to punch the RUBBER MONSTER out. The get yolonda the black girl to clime a tree to get more wind. You know VR Troopers was goofy but I remember at least not thinking it's Final Episode was BORING AS FUCK. Holy hot hannah. They still wonder about the guitar needed but WEIRD GUY pulls one out and says he was going to JAM OUT WITH THE SUN. Okay I kinda like this goober.

So they need the doohicky that turns MATTHEW LAWRENCE into SERVO so that Cool Athlete Guy can become Servo and go in and fight the Rubber Monster. Cool Athlete Man comes out and finally admits that he doesn't trust himself to be able to do it. SOME BORING HORSESHIT IS TALKED THROUGH and he feels good about being able to do it. Woo. Oh they have a FLASHBACK to Matthew and Cool Athlete Guy becomes Servo! Oh no they can't do it now! I'm pretty sure they realized they had like 7 minutes left and needed another OH NO WHAT WILL HAPPEN commercial break ending. They fix what was wrong. He goes in and fights the Rubber Monster in what seems to be the quickest damn fight in the world. He saves the day, leaves and Yolanda falls out of a tree. She does not see him come out of the Computer and the day is saved.

 FINAL THOUGHTS: I decided to watch this because it seemed like it would be a fun piece of 90s cheese that was goofy and charming and I'd think back to the DAYS OF YORE. What I got was a very boring episode that felt very "Oh shit we got 52 episodes to make or Andy Hayward will cut our heads off!" and just came out with this. It didn't annoy me as much as say HANGING WITH MR COOPER but I guess there really was a reason the only thing I remembered about this show was the GREAT title. You gotta give it that much at least!

 

 

TV You Forgot About #15: Spider-Man Unlimited (1999 - 2001)

 

Well, I can finally actually say this. This is the Final Spider-Man cartoon I will ever talk about. If I talk about a Spider-Man cartoon again on this blog I will be DOUBLE DIPPING to discuss one of the four other ones that were done during the time span I've given this blog of 1960 to about 2000. There's another reason is that I don't really care to talk about any of the ones made after this. Either because they don't look very interesting OR because they have poor animation choices. There's two that are after this that I really do not like the way the characters look so I don't want to watch them. I don't want to discuss the newest one because they made Spider-Man want to be an influencer and INTERNET INFLUENCERS WILL BE THE END OF THIS PLANET. Okay a little hyperbolic but no I do not like them. Anyway before I go off on a rant about INFLUENCERS SUCKING SHIT (which I might do but who knows) let's get into this Spider-Man cartoon. The last one that came out before the year 2000, even overlapping into said year.

Before I get into them, I will discuss Fox Kids, something I have not really done here on this channel. We as my family only got Fox in 1995. It was a New York affiliate finally hitting our province, Newfoundland and Labrador.  It was out of Rochester. I still kinda want to visit Rochester because of that. I would watch Sailor Moon, Rocky and Bullwinkle, The Brady Bunch, Mega Man, The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Futurama, and Family Guy. I for whatever reason never watched Fox Kids. I would watch Batman, X-Men. Spider-Man (1994), Eek the Cat, Bobby's World, Animaniacs and it's spinoff Pinky and the Brain all on YTV. I really should dig into Fox Kids more because I never watched them, but honestly the only cartoon that really interests me is Fox's Peter Pan and the Pirates. No I don't care about Digimon. I know Portnoyd probably already knows that but I'm saying that for any person who watched Fox Kids and somehow finds this on page 32 of Google. I'm glad you were so serious into Spider-Man Unlimited that you went up to page 32 and even looked this blog. Digimon was something I turned on for like 10 minutes before my mom called my sister adn I for our weekly mall visit. I have no real opinion on Digimon.

Honestly, I think I'm gonna try something different for this SPider-Man cartoon, since It's literally only twelve episodes I'm going to spend a paragraph each talking about them. Each episode.So this post will come out in two months time (currently writing this on March 1st, 2026, so we will probably see it in May 1st, 2026) . Anyway a few things to mention before I get into this stuff. This was near the end of Fox Kids and pretty much every show they had was from Japan at this point. If it was close to Pokemon they picked it up. I kinda want to talk about Monster Rancher because I talked about Digimon and Pokemon and I actually liked that one. Fox Kids started in 1990 and ended in 2002 I believe. I just watched most of this stuff somewhere else. I'm sorry. 

The second thing is that this cartoon only came out one year after the last Spider-Man cartoon, which might be my favorite. I really should re-watch every episode of every Spider-Man cartoon made between 1967-2000. I say things like this and then I get too depressed to even blink. That cartoon ended on a cliffhanger. No this cartoon does not cover that cliffhanger (it also apparently ends on a cliffhanger too). It's literally a new Spider-Man show. The artstyle is new. Everything is new. I wonder if fans of the earlier show literally refused to watch this one and the rest of everyone was literally watching Japanese characters catch monsters or do something with monsters. It was a wild time. Me, I did like Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z at this moment but my big thing was as I said before was watching like every movie I could from the 1980s. No matter how popular. This was more or less when I stopped watching most cartoons honestly. 

 I have to bring up a pretty obscure concept from Marvel Comics called COUNTER-EARTH. It was created by The High Evolutionary so he could do WEIRD THINGS TO EVOLVE things. But EVILILY somehow. He brought his Ani-Men (which are just Animal Men like you know The Thundercats. I love them) Yes. The High Evolutionary is just COMIC BOOK DR. MOREAU. Anyway early ADAM WARLOCK stories happened here. I have only read one where THE HULK shows up. It was enjoyable because I'm very easy to please. This pretty SCI FI STORY is where this Spider-Man story is. I mentioned before that MYSTICAL STORIES involving Spider-Man where Dr. Strange doesn't show up kinda end up making my butthole clench. Well the same is for very SCI FI STORIES where Spider-Man shows up but the FANTASTIC FOUR is not there. It just doesn't work most of the times. This show already has to run up two hills. I'm pretty sure I would have been angry as fucking shit if I saw this show at like 14. It didn't finish off the cliffhanger and it's doing WEIRD SHIT. I've grown to enjoy WEIRD SHIT but I still doubt I'll really care about this cartoon, who knows though.

Two more things I have to mention before I go onto to talk about at LEAST a few episodes. I dunno If I want to watch twelve of these things. (Currently watching episode one lol). First off this was animated and voiced acted by Canadians. Most of them are people I have never heard of. That's not a good sign. It also seems that a lot of the people I have heard of were for some other people. Secondly it seemed they wanted to do a more straight forward Spider-Man show but were told no as they were working on the movie and DIDN'T WANT TO CONFUSE PEOPLE with TWO ADAPTATIONS. I do not get that weird rule but what do I know. Anyway Scott McNeil, Richard Newman, Garry Chalk and Jennifer Hale got jobs for this video. They seemed to be forced into the COUNTER EARTH thing to do stuff. So yeah the first two episodes are getting Spider Man to COUNTER EARTH.

The first two episodes have JOHN JAMESON go into SPACE because he's an astronaut. Venom and Carnage get on the space ship without being seen because they are changed up enough to be considered DIFFERENT and WON'T CONFUSE OUR SMALL BRAINS BECAUSE OF TWO ADAPTATIONS. I don't think they are much different really but what do I know. Anyway J JONAH JAMESON is willing to give 10 MILLION to the person who finds out Spider-Mans identity. His suit gets destroyed so he gets a new one from the FANTASTIC FOUR which he uh, steals NANOTECHNOLOGY from. You don't even see the Fantastic Four. They just get mentioned. I guess you'd have to hire voice actors for them and you can't have that. Who knew? Anyway I don't like this one fucking bit because the Fantastic Four would trust fucking Spider-Man after the 8253028942094 fucking adventures they have had. They would help him with the fucking nanotechnology and he wouldn't have to STEAL IT. Yes, I am a 40 year old man and this actually annoyed me. Piss off.

So he got a job with the SECOND space shuttle stuff.  Lol Nick Fury just randomly shows up. Okay yeah, Nick Fury is not a guy who trusts people easily AND he'd probably want to overlook a space shuttle launch. However uh, he just randomly pops up. I was kinda exicted when I saw the name MICHAEL REAVES who worked on many better pieces of animation than this like Gargoyles or Batman: The Animated Series or Dungeons and Dragons. Of course when your first idea gets shot down and your second idea of having Counter Earth's Peter Parker become Venom because Uncle Ben didn't die there was also shot down you probably stopped giving a shit. I know I sure would. Nick Fury then just gives up after Spider-Man gives him his gun back. Lol wow. I'm amazed that someone with actual talent wrote this shit.

 Lol to cover his ass Spider Man goes to his Peter Parker voice and has him say IM A NEWSPAPER MAN SO IM GOING INTO SPACE TOO WOOO... something less sarcastic than that but around the same thing. Yeah, I'm not watching twelve episodes of this.  He goes through the TIME WARP THING that just SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWEHRE and a GREEN LAZER from COUNTER EARTH hits him and is bringing him down. Some people in SUITS come by to save him. AND BY SAVE HIM i mean capture him for the High Evolutionary and LORD TYGER. You know it's spelled that way. Anyway he calls him self a Spider-Man so the BESTIALS (the new supposedly COOLER name for the Ani-Men but it comes off as goofy to me.) He ends up meeting some new people and you know what I'm doing the same thing as I did with Fries With That and not even watching part two of this. (Also Fries With That showed more enthusiasm for the material. At least the actors did.)

This feels so "I don't care" the enthusiasm levels are so fucking low that you can feel it. Which causes you not to watch this.  I don't blame anyone working on this because when they cut down the first two ideas you just throw up your hands in frustration and churn out some shit. I do know that if Marvel Comics wer like THIS BLOG MAN NEEDS TO MAKE A SPIDER-MAN SHOW FOR US, it would be terrible and insane and ridiculous but you'd feel some fucking enthusiasm. There's a reason this lasted one season and it's because it was crap. Had I watched any of this at 14 I would have been livid. At 40 years old all I did was give it some eye rolls. Sorry but I just don't even care enough to see what happens.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Looking at a episode guide it shows him fighting Venom and Carnage and all that. Oh and a COUNTER EARTH VULTURE and KRAVEN that i'm sure are just barely different than the original versions. You know what I'd do. You know how I said Counter Earth was originally made for Adam Warlock to fight people in. Well Adam Warlock is powerful as fucking hell. So make this Spider-Man villains powerful enough to fight Adam Warlock. It would cause Spider-Man to actually work with the RANDOM TEAM of MAN WOLF and GOOD GREEN GOBLIN (like from the comic series from the mid 1990s. I had the first COLLECTORS issue). I have no idea if they do make them more powerful but the thing is I don't even care enough to finish this two parter. I just don't care and this is the best you are getting. Maybe one day I'll actually sit down and watch every episode of some TV shows but this won't be one of them. That's for goddamn sure.