Well this is a very interesting set of games. We have the start of one the best video game series' of all time. We have a color dreams game that isn't complete fart shit and one of the WORST NES games ever. And three other games that WILL BE A SURPRISE until YOU READ THE ARTICLE! I won't ruin everything for you jerks! I mean unless you read the wordy not very funny title of the article then you know all six games. I like this Mario's Time Machine ad. I think it's for the SNES version but I don't care. Eat shit. It's got a fuckin Dinosaur in it so I was totally going to use it.
So we finish off the MARIO EDUTAINMENT GAMES. What did I think of Mario's Time Machine as a child? Seeing that I loved the SNES version of Mario is Missing as a child. I hated it. I remember renting the game once and just not knowing what the Jesus Christ fuck I was supposed to do. You had to drive across some water and get into the right COOL SNES MODE 7 WATER THING. That's what I remember I did not check it out because I do not care about Mario's Time Machine. The fact the NES version does NOT do that weird shit makes it a better game. It is still pretty shitty. Yes I know that I gave Sesame Street and Fisher Price a pass but they worked for 3-4 year olds. I get the feeling that they would enjoy it. However Mario's Time Machine is clearly made for kids in grade school so they can do better in History. This game has the same problem Mario Is Missing has which is that it is dreadfully boring. Just a really dull mess of a game. I get the feeling if Nintendo actually made these games they might have been better but we will never know as we cannot access that alternative universe. I really have nothing else to say about Mario's Time Machine.
I do not know where to start with this game so I guess I will discuss the first time I got it. My mom finally relented and found someone who gave her a NES and some games for free. I don't know if she somehow knew the games this person had were so fucking terrible they would cause someone to quit before really getting into collecting. I have no idea why she let me collect games then but man I wish she would have let me get my old games back from BULLY SHITHEAD. Anyway the games these people had were like 6 fucking copies of SMB 1, Super Mario Brothers 3 (just one copy), Snow Brothers (yes I got a RARITY for FREE but back then we discussed how the games were ENJOYABLE or NOT. Personally I like this game but I might be a bit more biased because it was one of the better games I got from these people), Ghostbusters and X-Men (two licenses that children who liked the NES wish were better. Just imagine a Konami or Capcom game made from those licenses!) I remember being exicted because I don't think I had played either game through emulation and holy shit I was so mad at both of those games that at one point through complete boredom one day I just smashed the shit out of those two games with a hammer. Just getting some anger out of my system. I would end up buying copies of them again when I decided to go for a full set of games which I never did because the games became too expensive. So why is this game so bad? First off, the graphics are the ugliest shit I've ever seen. Yes I know it's the NES and none of the graphics are that amazing in 2026 but holy shit they did not try here. Secondly the levels are just a shitty mish mash where you have to get to a boss and then get a key. I fought Boomerang (why the fuck is he in a X-Men game?) and somehow got passed him and the game then let me go back and win the day. The music is terrible. Half of the X-Men characters you get are completely pointless and incredibly hard to use. Seriously you need an X-Men with a long range attack to get anywhere. All the enemies want to fuck you in the ass like no tomorrow. The most amazing thing about this is that I am one of the few people who stick up for LJN and say they had some good games but man this game just sucks all around. Such a painfully awful game that I do not enjoy playing in the least but I somehow beat it once. You have to slightly reset the game to get to the last level which is really annoying and stupid. Fuck this game in the ass. I will dream of a good NES X-Men game.
Wow, this game is a rarity. This is a semi-okay Color Dreams game. One of their best in fact. I mean for their entire thing of Color Dreams-Bunch Games-Wisdom Tree. All three companies and you get like four games. This one is not great or even amazing. It's very much the most simple platformer of all time but I cannot hate any platformer that gives me what I want, which is to shoot weird enemies in the face and then go to a different stage. You have to pick up like eight YIN/YANG symbols and they take you to a boss. You do this enough times and you have beaten this game. I think I beat this game on emulation a very long time ago. I have nothing else to really say about this game except why does the name Joy Van seem so familiar. I don't think they made any other games but they apparently made this game and Color Dreams bought it. Were they connected to Sachen? PORT WHAT DID JOY VAN DO???
This game is weird and I don't know if I'm going to review it, mostly for one simple reason. There are fifteen games on this thing and all fifteen games were released earlier on the NES. It was a game I never got and I do like the fact it has a cool case and all. Is this even the American version or the Australian version? Did that get a cool case? This was done by American Video and it was mostly their games and Color Dreams' Menace Beach. So I will just mention this game and review the games when they come up. Yeah, it was a neat idea to put all your games in one cart and try to sell it as a bargain thing but it's also an even better idea to make those games good. I think there's one whole game on that cartridge that doesn't make me puke out of my asshole. Which sounds really painful.
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This is a zapper game that was also a arcade game. This game was a pretty good zapper game. There were about five levels and they play well. You shoot things and yeah, there's really not a lot to say about Zapper games to be honest. Not that they are bad (well im sure some are). it's just you will probably wear out your hand trying to play most of these games now at the ripe old age of OLD PERSON. Which happens when you become 40 so I am a OLD PERSON and my hands are OLD AND HURTY. It's just neat that the NES had some first person shooters and this game is well done and all that. It's a worthwhile Zapper game, but I can only think of like one Zapper game that I don't like at all. I am clearly trying to make this paragraph bigger so I will stop insulting the both of us and just move on.
We finally got to Mega Man. The next post may take a while because I want to do good reviews for each and every Mega Man game. I also want to tell you a MEGA MAN MEMORY because Mega Man was a game series I LOVED as a child. Loved it. It and Mega Man X got so much play. First off I gotta mention the box art. Yes I know everyone says it's shit but I personally kinda love it. It looks like Barack Obama put on a weird costume and then got stuck in a depressing 1970s Sci Fi film. It's wonderfully cheesy. Just so weird. Anyway I had this game as a kid with my name written on the back in black marker. It was given away after my first NES broke to a kid named Evan. Evan was the son of my dad's friend. He was a good kid. I remember going to his house upstairs to his room and trying to beat this game for what felt like forever. We would talk at school about it, although I had to go look for him at Recess because he was younger than me. One day he just gave up on the game which was a real sad day. I think we did get to the first Wily stage. This game is kinda janky in some places. Like you have to make a PERFECT jump or you will just fall off things (and the way Mega Man hits the ground so FAST AND FIERCELY is funny as hell to me). This game is still a lot of fun, all of the weapons are fun to use and it's also fun to beat the game without using the weapons. I also love how the first two games in this series have this melancholic feel to them. Like you really had this sad lonely journey to go on TO FIGHT FOR EVERLASTING PEACE. I dunno if anyone felt like that while playing this game. Still it's MEGA MAN and is worth owning. I mean not for the 846204290 dollars people want for it but if you keep a look out for this game you will find it. I will try not to do the VIDEO GAME COLLECTING RANT for any of these Mega Man games but I probably will end up doing it for one because really fuck VIDEO GAME COLLECTING these days.
GOOD GAMES: 180
BAD GAMES: 141
OKAY GAMES: 60
GAMES IMPATIENT: 7
HAVEN'T PLAYED ENOUGH: 3
GAMES OVERALL: 391
Mega Man 1 is best Mega Man, fite me irl
ReplyDeleteI like Mega Man 2 best, as do a lot of people, but I respect MM1 a lot and respect it being called the best. I also support MM3 being pretty A+ too and getting the crown as well.
DeleteI don't really want to fight.
ReplyDeleteWAY COOL is an artifact of the 90s. That ad is also WAY COOL. I want to say it exists because Jurassic Park the movie exists but it might be too early for that. I don't know EHHH TOO LAZY. Then again, T-Rexs are the cool dinosaurs so that could be why too.
ReplyDeleteMario's Time Machine is interesting as a footnote solely because it has Mario World Mario as the sprite and plenty of SMW sprites too, so what would SMW on NES been? Probably mediocre, but like I said, interesting to think about. I know there have been Chinese boots that have ported SMW to the NES so there you go. I otherwise have nothing to say about Mario's Time Machine other than if people are going to shit pants over Power Blade 2 and Bonk, they should be shitting the same way about this game. Sorry, jerks. It's a late release and in the same class as those. But of course, Time Machine is $100 loose vs $1500, and $300 complete versus $4000. Yeah. It's probably because, like you said, it's boring, both to play it and to own it.
Ok so before I even read your paragraph about X-Men, it is indeed very bad. Like top 3 bottom bad. But I still contend that MUSCLE is worse. Anyway, carry on.
Smashing Ghostbusters and X-Men to pieces is completely fair.
X-men is just awful. Like, on top of the things you said, the enemies basically fly aimlessly through everything and you and it's like they aren't even programmed to attack you, they are just programmed at be there. I always laughed at how the melee guys just die instantly, you are also correct that a ranged attack is necessary or else.
I always loved the look on Cyclops face in his portrait, like he's appalled he's even in this game. It's just so bad. It's funny it exists considering X-Men wouldn't hit TV until the cartoon in the mid 90s or 2000 for the first terrible movie.
Yeah, Master Chu is not bad but has some flaws. It's basic but works. Some of the Chinese stuff does, shockingly. Up to jump is a pox on humanity. The main problem with the game is it's just TOO basic. It's like a glass of water. Fills you up but ok great now what. In the Ms, you're not exactly thirsty.
Joy Van is basically Sachen, they merged with them and became Sachen.
AKKSHULLY Clawzy, STAKK'M was not released on anything else besides the Maxi 15. What is STAKK'M? I don't KNOW'M. I won't fault you for not mentioning it. This game's claim to fame is the infamous infomercial for it staring Hulk Hogan. Not kidding. Look it up.
Mechanized Attack I best can describe as a slightly better Operation Wolf. Typical shooty game, in that they throw slightly more at you than you can handle and thus the challenge. I remember the missiles being a pain in the ass though. Like you said, it is in fact a Zapper game.
The MM1 box art is why the NES is awesome. The level of give a shit at this stage of the game was so low, that is made true art.
The incredible thing about MM1 is how advanced it was for the era. Like, most of what MM did graphically on the NES over the next FIVE games was done here. In 1987. When they were still smearing shit on the walls with a lot of third party titles. A lot of people will say the game is too hard when it's really not. It's a really well balanced game.
You should have pushed one game from the next post to this one to do a MEGA MAN MERGAPERST for the next one. Why do I need to think of everything JERK
I will try to review Stakk'M in the S section which I think the largest section of games.
ReplyDeleteI would love to force youtube shitheads to try to get exicited of Mario's Time Machine. It would be fucking funny as hell.
ReplyDeleteMechanized Attack might be a little better than Operation Wolf but I kinda like that game a bit more.
I miss weird NES game box art. Video Game box art is just dull now. It was better when they just went WHOLE HOG with it. It was great.
I did see that commercial. The Hulkster was something else. I can't deny that I kinda miss him.
Did they sell like shitty clone consoles in the 2000s? I think thats where I might know them from. Knowing they joined Sachen was something else. I'd love a documentary or even a well researched Youtube video on Sachen. So weird.
I think Master Chu and his Boyfriend Drunkard Hu is the PERFECT example of JUST basic enough to be passable as a piece of entertainment. I beat it once and I will never do it again. And yes pressing up to jump is really bad but Hey they are goofy weird-ass Chinese games probably forced out in an insane amount of time.
X-Men is such a jumbled mess of shit. It kinda hurts when a really good license gets sold to complete morons who don't know what the fuck they were doing. Smashing the game was the most fun I ever had with it.
Jesus Christ Bonk goes for that much complete? I like the NES version of Bonk quite a bit but JESUS FUCK 4 grand can literally change a persons life and just spending that on paper and cardboard is DISGUSTING.
Probably the extent of MARIO TIMES MACHINE HYPE would be speedruns and that's it.
DeleteMechanized Attack is also a little more later NES looking and Op Wolf is not but I think MA looked cheaper.
I miss Hulk too even if the Internet hates him now. Him in the 80s and 90s and his ridiculous bullshit stories were the best.
They probably did sell clones but like, everyone from Taiwan did. The problem is finding them in Taiwan and getting them to talk which I am sure they have no interest in.
HOT LAKE: Master Chu is superior to 95% of the Atari 2600 library.
And NES X-Men just fucked it up hard considering we got X-Men arcade and Genesis X-Men, both of which were really solid.
Yes, it's ridiculous. I don't know who can look at their finances and think YEAH THIS IS A GOOD IDEA. As a fun fact, I am getting rid of MY STUPID AMIIBOS I WAS DUMB FOR BUYING IN THE FIRST PLACE. My friend who owns a game store did me a solid and gave me eBay-after-fees money for a loose and sealed figures of the most expensive amiibo. I paid $60 for both. Someone bought both within a hour of his store opening for $750 both. PEOPLE ARE DUMB.