This is a picture of someones Mom when she beat The Legend of Zelda for the SNES. I am putting it here because there is a NES in the picture also. If you want to complain YOU try finding nice and new NES images for 27 posts on the damn NES! Anyway we have finally got to the letter D. Just imagine if I had reviewed and posted on this blog instead of pissing around on twitter. We could be talking about Xexyz today! XEXYZ PEOPLE! Anyway uh I say Anyway a lot. So yeah, we have fifty five games to do. I think that would put us over the 200 games talked about list. I mean beside the Power Pad game that I cannot really review until I find my Power Pad. I hope that thing even works, it's been sitting somewhere in the basement for forty two years. Yes, it's been in my basement longer than it even existed. Let's just end this opening paragraph because it's really really bad.
Man, Ocean Software fucking sucks shit. For every game that they made that was pretty good, they made 42 ones that sucked shit out of donkey's ass. They somehow got a hold of so many cool licenses. Darkman was a really really memorable movie. Weird, wild and even has a cameo from Bruce Campbell in it. It's about a man who gets the ablity to create masks of people. He then gets revenge of Larry Drake for like killing him. Larry Drake is underrated. Dr. Giggles is a cool movie. Anyway enough of the movie. I'm here to talk about the NES game based on the movie. It's like every Ocean platformer. The main character literally jumped into a grease pit and then started to run around on frozen land. The character in all of those platformers are so slippery to control. It's so bad and I hate it. Also the jump is so hilariously long and its hard to get find the next place to jump too. So many blind leaps of faith. The game also looks goofy and I hate this game so much. So much. Fuck Ocean. FUCK OCEAN. I WILL SHIT ON THE MAN WHO CREATED OCEAN ONE DAY.
First off, I will be bitching about video game collecting again. Or just collecting any dumb old garbage. This game in new, sealed condition now goes for $500 or around there. I say this because I bought a fucking sealed copy of this game just to open up and play for less than 20 fucking dollars. I remember this because it was when eBay was new and I was just collecting NES games for the first time. I remember my mom having to send a money order because that's what you did on eBay back then. This game is NOT rare, but it's not even about that anymore. It's because it has a big NERD LICENSE connected to it. Nerd culture becoming popular via YouTube and MCU movies and all that was the worst mistake ever. I'm sorry but I would have to literally become a multi-billionaire before I was like "ok let's spend 500 on Darkwing Duck sealed!" Anyway, let's get to the game and the difference in quality from this game to the last game is INSANE. This game was built on the Mega Man 5 engine and it's fantastic. Wonderful graphics that look like the characters. Well designed levels. Great music. Probably the hardest Disney game (weird because Mega Man 5 is probably the easiest Mega Man game but whatever) but it's still not TOO hard. Just hard enough. This is a game that is worth playing, and maybe even owning if you can find it for cheap. This game loose goes for $70 and I'm sorry if you spend that I will hit you. I don't know how but I WILL hit you.
Well man oh man the quality is really up and down in this post. Dash Galaxy is a fucking piece of shit. The graphics are really quite ugly, ugly to the point that it becomes paintful to look at. I hate how these game looks. I also think Dash Galaxy moves too sloe and the levels are just shittily designed and I don't want to talk about this game anymore. Yes. This might be my shortest review yet but I don't care. Fuck you and Fuck Dash Galaxy. I just know portnoyed will come in and scream OH MY GOD NO CLAW DASH GALAXY IS AMAZING I WANT DASH GALAXAY TO TAKE A DUMP IN MY ASSHOLE. I don't know how that's possible but he will yell that. Portnoyd is a lunatic.
I am probably going to get into an argument again with portnoyd because he pretty much agrees with everyone else that this game is bad but I say no this game is good. I like it at least. I enjoy the cartoony graphics. I think the different things you have to do in each stage is a good way to keep it interesting. One problem is that you get three stage types. You get wizard medieval shit, you get cowboy shit and you get greek shit. I very much wish that they had made a few more stage types. Like space or dinosaurs or something. You have at least 15 levels so playing through the same three types gets a little boring. Also the character,. Davey gets stuck on things from time to time, but I really don't think this game deserves the hate it seems to get. It even has George Costanza in it, if he were a black man. In fact if you hate this game you are a racist who hates black George Costanza. I don't make the rules, I just try to follow them.
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This is without a doubt the worst racing game for the NES. It's also the most boring. This might even be a shorter review than Dash Galaxy but this game is just so boring. Racing games were so weird on the NES, were well done and fun and others were just dull as hell. A lot of the dull as hell games tried to bring in so many doohickeys and things to with the cars when all Rad Racer did was make you feel like you were driving really fast. That's all everyone watned! Ever! You literally just go around in a circle like in Nascar racing but you never feel like you are going anywhere but sometimes you aren't because you don't even have the right upgrades or something? in the first race. I dunno. I just hate this stupid game and I don't think it even works correctly. I think they sold people a game that wasn't finished. The movie was pretty good though. That Thomas Cruise fella is going places!
Actually you probably can forget about everything else I said in this review involving portnoyd and what he will say. He will probably get up my ass for this review. I do not think Deadly Towers is a bad game, just a game that has aged very poorly. Days of Thunder was garbage from day one. A waste of a video game rental. A game that you might have gotten from Grandma and thanked her for it because she at least thought of you but once you put it in the NES and tried playing it you were bitching and moaning under your breath. You were like 7 so cut yourself some slack for being a jerk. The biggest flaws in this game is that your character moves just slow enough that it's annoying fighting enemies. The second biggest problem is literally finding out where to go to do anything. You gotta fight in like 4000 different rooms that barely look any different. It's not good. Still I think for 1986 this is a game you gotta give some slack too. It doesn't work as well now but I still beat it and I don't hate it. I'm putting it in the OKAY section because I don't believe it really deserves the shit it gets. Yes I said that and I don't care what you think!
That's another six games reviewed. I hope we get to Xexyz one day!
GOOD GAMES: 68
BAD GAMES: 65
OKAY OR GAMES THAT HAVE AGED POORLY: 18
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