NES Game Reviews #29: Woof.

 

Hey man. It's getting really hard to have opening paragraphs to this series of blog posts. I really should have made the longest blog post of all time and reviewed all 776? games possible. It would have been the biggest blog post of all time and no one would have read it. It would still have been shorter than DiefWolf's review of Earthbound. My God I don't think even God has the time to read all that nonsense. Remember DiefWolf, Port? He was like Loogaroo's pal. So you know the kinda goober you are gonna get. Anyway I picked the picture of NES max because I'm running out of pictures too. the NES Max kinda sucked. I didn't like it at least. 

This game has some really fucking cool box art. This game was made by Taito that has a really good track record. Like almost Capcom/Konami level track record. This game is possibly the most okay game ever made. It is an improvement over the first game in the franchise, The Legend of Kage but the Ls are far away boy so we just have to talk to Demon Sword. Everything about this game is okay. the level design, the controls, the graphics, the music. Nothing is done extraordinary or nothing is done poorly enough. I did beat this game once and never played it again. I guess I don't have time for things that make me go "yeah that wasn't terrible" I want terrible or great. Both are so much easier to talk about than okay and both are more interesting to watch or play or whatever. I dunno. Portnoyd will probably say this game is great just to be a DAMN NUICANSE.

Well, it's time to discuss Desert Commander. It's a strategy game. I like them when they are easy to get into and not like ungodly shit like the rice sims. Those games you have to do 40,560 different things just to get anywhere. This you just plant tanks and airplanes in the right place to shoot the other guys tanks and airplanes. It's nothing hard to get into and you can get a good amount of fun out of it. So yeah, Desert Commander is pretty enjoyable but also a game you can't really spend hours talking about. Or even a full paragraph. Everything looks nice and sounds nice and it plays well. You'll like it. Piss off. I'm not writing the fucking Iliad over here you bitch.

There are games that I just want to get into but can't. Most of them are just "wtf do I do here kinda games". I don't know what to do in Destination Earthstar but I feel there's a good game stuck inside all of this crazy nonsense. You have to go through all kinds of planets to find stuff you need I guess and shoot down a correct amount of enemies. That's all I can really gather from this game that I try to play ever so often just to turn it off about 5 minutes later confused and kinda sad. I played it earlier for yes another 5 minutes just to turn it off about 5 minutes later and yes I was confused and sad, however I did kill at least one enemy which means I did better than the last time I played it. I will have this game beaten by 2059 if I'm still alive. Anyway I will put this in a new category saying "You Might Like This Game If You Are Less Impatient Than I Am". I am curious about what portnoyd thinks about this.

Destiny of an Emperor is a NES RPG. One of the Turn based kind. I think the vast majority of NES RPGs have aged like milk. They might have been amazing in 1990 but now WOW. The only one I think that holds up and is enjoyable is A GAME YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS OOOOOOOOOOOOH. Anyway Destinty of an Emperor is about some guy in China become Emperor. Yep. I suppose theres more to the plot but I don't give a SHIT. Anyway this game like most NES RPGs just feel slow. Not as slow as SOME GAMES THAT ARE COMING UP AND THE INTERNET (aka NES Scene discord) WILL YELL AT ME OVER but still slow. I just don't care to play RPGs made on the NES for the most part. Sorry. Maybe I'll give this game another shot some other day but right now I don't care too.

This is a game that I believe gets a bad rap because people don't want to learn to play it correctly. There's two things you gotta do to get anywhere in this game. Only use the car WHEN ITS REALLY NEEDED as everyone wants to shoot the shit out of your yellow coat killing you. You will also have to find bandages and keep a few on you. This game gets TOUGH, but you do feel like a detective. You find clues that tell you to go do different places and interogate all the weird Dick Tracy guys. I like Dick Tracy. He's neat. I liked the 1990 movie. I like this game. I might have to play the game boy and genesis game (they REALLY wanted Dick Tracy to be the next Batman thing. It wouldn't surprise me if they were thinking of trying to make a cartoon if the movie was a huge hit like Batman did), The movie did not do very well and well Dick Tracy got forgotten again. Sadly. Except by me. I still love you, Dick!!!! Anyway the only problems this game really has is that the last two stages will make you want to rip your hair off and eat it. Portnoyd hates this game and will yell at me and WarMECH for liking it.

It's time for me to piss and moan about NES game collecting which is no different than most posts about NES here. I think what pisses me off is that I sold my collection in 2014 before the HUGE DUMB CRAZY BLOW OUT. Like this game here goes for $250-300. I did not pay that price for this game. I felt like a big stupid idiot for spending the 50 bucks I spent on it. Anyway, this is a pretty good game based on Die Hard, the movie everyone likes to argue if it is or isn't a Christmas Movie. I don't care what movies you watch around Christmas to begin with, so don't get me into this conversation. Foolishness. This game has a overhead view where you get to shoot like 80 bullets out of your gun at once. You have to go from floor to floor stopping guys and just play through the movie. It's actually really quite close to the movie. I like this game and I don't care what you think. Jerk.

Another group of games discussed, now let's see the updated standings!

GOOD GAMES:  74

BAD GAMES:  67

OKAY GAMES or GAMES THAT HAVEN'T AGED WELL: 21

GAMES YOU MIGHT ENJOY IF YOU AREN'T AS IMPATIENT AS I AM: 2