Is there anyone past, present or future that will EVER be as cool as this kid? In his room with his Capcom NES games with NES GAME POSTERS, and AIRPLANE models, AND HIS nintendo powers, AND HIS COOL 1980S PINK SHIRT. and just LAZIN BACK playing some Rescue Rangers. I cannot even start to speak about his mullet because something that wonderful has to be made into poetry and I ain't no Robert Frost, motherfucker! So now portnoyd will now sass this kid and try to make himself out to be cool. Anyway, I think since I'm close to post 500 (only 45 posts away) I want to make them and see what will be post 500. I bet It will be about something really stupid. Probably talk about Star Fox. Yeah that's right furries and Nintendo superfanboys. I sassed the Star Fox and I will never take it back! Star Fox sucks!
There were approximitely 27,962 thousand games that took a bunch of sport mini games and crammed them into one game. Like California Games or Caveman Games. This is one of the few games of that type that I very much enjoy. Crash N The Boys Street Challenge is a lot of fun. It's a Kunio game so you get those goofy lookin River City Ransom guys playing sports. I very much enjoy this little game and I love how 1990s this cover is. First off we didn't like using the word And very much in the 1990s. That shit wasn't cool dawg! I like how the main guy Crash looks like a tough Cabbage Patch Doll. They also have a weird fake anime look to them despite that stuff not becoming popular until later on in the decade (I mean popular in North America.). Anyway there's really not much to say about this game except that I enjoy playing it. That's it. Go to the next review, jerk.
I am known somewhat as a LJN Defender. I think some of the games they made were genuinely good and fun to play. Not all of them but enough that I consider them better than THQ/Radical Entertainment and Color Dreams/Bunch Games/Wisdom Tree that's for damn sure. Anyway this is not the game to trot out to be like LJN IS ACTUALLY NOT TERRIBLE GUYS, becuase well this game is kinda shitty as hell, even if I do kinda like it, So you know it's probably actually REALLY BAD if I admit it's bad and still like it. The games biggest flaw is that when you get hit you can end up losing your head (or some other body part) and the controls just go backwards. That is not a good idea company who actually made the game for LJN to sell. Not good at all, Softwork Creations. Still it being them means that Tim Follin or Geoff Follin wrote and created some BOSS ASS MUSIC for this game. So yeah, this games not very good but it's a wonderful kiss from The Creator of the Universe compared to the SNES game. Oh god, now that's bad. Anyway I wish I had some Crash Test Dummies toys again. They were rad as fuck.
You know what the saddest part of this game is, it's probably one of the BEST Color Dreams games. I mean it still pretty much fails at what it wants to do. The problem with this game is that the puzzles get way too hard way too quickly. Like with Adventures of Lolo/Kickle Cubicle/Fire N Ice the game puts you into easy puzzles that get harder each level or world you complete. By Level 5 in Crystal Mines you gotta save like 12 guys with 9852042 men coming after you. It's just not fun. I still play it wanting to enjoy it but I just never really do. Another fact is that it just looks kinda ugly. I am not a fan of Crystal or her Mines.
From the genre of "This game is just enough like Zelda for us not to get sued" comes Crystalis, a really really good game. It has good graphics, a good plot (I think an epic Zelda/Final Fantasy game needs a bit more to the plot and I believe this game has enough to it), good music. I think the only problem is the switching of the weapons. That can end up getting you killed in tight situations and it also just messes up the flow of the game. You are supposed to get tougher and stronger in a game not go back to a weaker sword. I dunno. There's not much else to say then this is a well made game that I really should go back to any play again.
Something rare just happened. I mean really quite rare in the fact that I don't think I had played this game before. I popped in the rom and went to town and quit after like three or so minutes. This is a crummy crummy sports game. One of the robots was so fast no one could catch him and while that is amusing for like one game it's not amusing for 4202 games you have to play in a sports game. The other robot I played as couldn't do shit. I shut down FCEUX and went that's a no from me dawg. Base Wars is still the best robots play sports game ever. A shame too because Jaleco and Tengen should have been able to make something less shitty. Oh well.
Here is a game I do not like very much. I think it's quite terrible in fact. I remember getting my second NES back in like 1998 or so and this was one of the first games I bought, or it might have even been in the set of games I got. I just know I didn't have many games and I would play this one just because of that reason. It was 1998, you had to get dial up internet. You had to go by what was on TV and not be able to stream or watch online just about everything you wanted. Nothing on tv, don't have any minutes for the internet. Well it's time to play NES and I guess you have to play Cybernoid because the people who owned this stuff before you had no fucking taste in anything apparently! The thing I hate most about this game is how the ship just dips downward. Always. Did they have a fat guy on board. Like a really really really fat guy on board that they just didn't jettison into outer space before going to save themselves and probably the universe. Anyway you gotta get through some areas in a set amount of time but you just fall down constantly like a moron. Is someone with some kind of sleep disorder at the helm? is that why he's falling down all the time. IS PEPPERMINT PATTY FLYING THIS GOD DAMN SHIP? Actually no I like Peppermint Patty. She and Marcie make me laugh. Uh anyway I don't like Cybernoid and I'm glad that it never came up in the NES Bounty because I would have either bought it out causing a fight with portnoyd or tried to beat it which would have caused me to smash my head against the wall until it was a bloody mess and I was dead. It's not worth dying for Cybernoid, kids.
GOOD GAMES: 66
BAD GAMES: 62
OK GAMES: 17
This kid's nickname is PUSSY ANNHILILATOR. I would never sass him, unlike you for hating on Star Fox. It's a rough around the edges but FUN space shooter. The framr rate is awful, yes, but BWADABWIM JAM IT, JERK.
ReplyDeleteThey probably said to the artist "Ok, here's Kunio and he's weeb as fuck... make an American version kthx". Well, it kind of ticks that box. The kid on the right is shitting on the ground over your Cabbage Patch Kids comment, kerk. The game itself is good - all of them are good and I've played all of them UNLIKE YOU - but they aren't really my cup of tea, even RCR.
Crash Dummies is horrendous, there is no LJN apologist that exists that can defend this game. I had Crash Dummies toys. They were a decent idea but overall a really stupid thing to push as a toy. Both in that they do nothing interesting but essentially die and their real purpose is not kid friendly.
Crystal Mines isn't bad. It did need a dose of Japanese design philosophy but it's a decent puzzle action-ish game. I think you just have UNLICENSED GAME BIAS so NINTENDOAGE or VIDEOGAMESHITHEADS would like you to use your account and post there and tell them how much you think unlicensed games have no redeeming qualities and should be forgotten.
The sword switching was a disaster for Crystalis. Honestly a super fun game that I gave up on because the sword switching was so clunky, I couldn't enjoy it. I do have the GBC version and will eventually play it, even though the NES version should be preferred. It's kind of funny how this game has one design flaw between it being great and not; and so many games maybe have one thing in them that *isn't* a flaw. Ironic, don't you think DAVE COULIER THE BEST CANADIAN COMEDIAN WHO EVER LIVED.
I'll be honest, I didn't outright hate Cyberball. It's sloppy and chaotic and not well programmed, but it has its CHARM (tm). Honestly, the concept was done way better with a monster bend in Mutant League Football for Genesis, but this had potential.
I almost beat Cybernoid prior to the Bounty. It only has 3 stages. Three. And you get like 9 lives to do it, because they knew it was a fucking meat grinder. The sinking is PHYSICS, which you better not sass Solar Jetman about - instead you should sass it by being from RARE and RARE EATING ANUS. For an Acclaim title, this isn't awful but for a normal game, it's a pass.
Thank you bringing back the VERY IMPORTANT game totals. Jerk.
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ReplyDeleteDave Coulier sucks.
ReplyDeleteCybernoid sucks.
Star Fox super sucks.
CUT IT OUT WRONG
ReplyDeleteSLIGHTLY WRONG
SUPER WRONG