Well, It’s time to get back to the good stuff. Which is the stuff I started this blog with. I brought back the Final Episode, where I go over the Final Episode of some television show that started before the year, I dunno, 2002. That’s kinda when I stopped caring about a lot of new things. I like the past. It’s a warm comforting blanket. Anyway, I bring bad news… You see a thing from the PAST is seeming to come to some kind of end. They are now no longer selling Archie Digests. Yes, a 50 year old institution is coming to an end mostly because children today only enjoy Minecraft. A friend brought up a interesting thought today. Do children even have shared experiences anymore? Like I’m sure anyone over the age of 35 bought or had a Archie’s digest bought for them. It doesn’t matter what you think of Archie comics but I’m sure you read some of them before.
Personally, I like Archie. There’s something charming and fun about something being so squeaky clean wholesome in this society of ours. One that feels like it’s crumbling around all over the place. One that I don’t even know how to function in. Uh, I guess that’s too much information and also depressing thoughts for a review over Archie. It’s just that this world is weird and distressing and not like it was even twenty years ago. Uh, okay back to Archie. I chose Jughead’s Double Digest #1 because I felt like talking about a #1 issue because why not and also because Jughead is the best Archie comics character. I do not care what you think of Archie overall but Jughead fucking rules. The man does not give a shit about this teenage life but he sure as hell gives a shit about a hamburger. It’s kinda beautiful really. I’m not going to talk about every single story in this two hundred and fifty six page comic book. Just the ones that I was entertained by the most.
The first story involves Big Ethel. You know the giant goofy looking woman with the buck tooth who has the hots for Jughead, the man who cares not for any kind of sexual touch but just wants to eat hamburgers? Yes. This time she actually gets a date with him because……She’s dressed up as a Hot Dog! That’s right! However when the date comes she’s dressed up as someone else and Jughead is his normal “eh whatever” self. Until she then gets the Hot Dog costume and Jughead becomes horny as shit! They have a great time until it’s tomorrow when Jughead is like NO MORE DATES WITH THAT WOMAN until she comes out dressed as a BURGER! It’s corny, it’s cheesy but it’s a fun five page story and I love how Jughead is drawn running to Big Ethel in the end like a crazed maniac.
I think I now know the reason I hate the Flintstones. It’s because Fred Flintstone is such an asshole that he won’t give his fucking friend any of his cheap SHITTY STUPID GARBAGE cereal. Like the poor bastard has to pretend to be a woman or a priest or a dog or whatever just to get some. You call this man your best friend, Give him some fucking cereal you amazing jackoff. I’d give portnoyd some cereal and he’s a damn jerk! Anyway on to story #2: This is a simple story where Betty just comes out and asks Jughead why he hates girls and he’s like I just don’t like what they do to my best friend and we see Archie going gaga over Veronica. He wants to find a way to lure her away form Archie and Betty goes “how about using her because her favortie thing is herself” It really is true. Archie should go with Betty because Veronica is a shitty little hobgoblin. He talks about how there’s a club that no one can get into! No matter who they are! Which annoys Veronica so much that she goes to this club! Insulting Archie before doing so! Betty thinks she’ll get the date but does not because Archie now hates women apparently. Jughead then says she can’t get into the club because it’s not open yet! Hilarious. Veronica is a bitch.
Story #3 involves Jughead getting a job! As an Ice Cream salesman! Of course this Job is not one Jughead should keep for very long! He’s surly and rude to the customers and even drives away from them. He causes a giant crowd to form and it even gets on the news. He’s talking about how he’s going to fight anyone who wants ANY ice cream from him. They will get the ice cream out of his cold dead hands. Somehow the people love him and that gets him a bigger job at the ice cream factory which is now making more money by being jerks to customers. They ended up firing Jughead because he couldn’t stop smiling after seeing his first paycheck! I laughed for a minute at the panel of one guy having an ice cream after getting his ass kicked by Jughead. It’s just so goofy I couldn’t help myself.
Also this JUGHEAD DOUBLE DIGEST has too many ARCHIE and BETTY AND VERONICA stories in it. I made my mom put down two dollars for Jughead and Jughead only! I WANT JUGHEAD STORIES YOU FREAKS!!!! Anyway Story #4 and the last one I’m going to talk about has one of my favorite Archie characters. Moose. Moose is just a giant moron who loves Midge. However Midge thinks Moose is uncouth, a slob and a brute who’s too violent. Moose comes ot Jughead and tries to get him to help and Jugheads like nah until Moose mentions DINNER and this is how Moose and Jughead go out on a date. Archie and Reggie find out and are FREAKED OUT by the news. They run across Midge who finds out and then goes to them and literally goes like “I could take it if it was Betty or Veronica but NO ONE DUMPS ME FOR THIS” pointing at Jughead. Oh and then she beats the piss outta Moose. Wild.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I had a lot of fun reading these and it’s made me want to delve into the weirder Archie comics that they’ve put out so expect to see stuff like that around here sometimes maybe. Anyway I didn’t know where to put this but whenever I think of Archie I think of that scene from the Simpsons “Duhhh, Stay outta Riverdale”. I think Archie’s entire existence is worth that joke from the Simpsons!
No comments:
Post a Comment