Well I think It’s time to get back to reviewing NES games on this old blog here. I like this group because five out of these six I’ve played enough to know about how I feel about them without even having the fire up an emulator. That’s pretty good because sometimes I’m like “oh how do I actually feel about this game? Haven’t played that one in forever… oh it’s bad” but this time I know these games and I love some of them. Anyway let’s get to blathering about these games.
The other five games I know well enough that I don’t have to play again to review. I did however have to play this one again, just to remember that it’s like that old computer game I played once or twice at a relatives house that was somehow better. It was made in the early 1980s and this was from the late 1980s. Six years, that’s not an amazing amount of time or anything but in the video game sphere. Six years was Atari ass shit to NES goodness. This game however tries to make it a big more bigger and better and fails. You have special hidden areas and I’m just not into that shit any more. I just want to shoot things to entertain myself with these games, not have to find a hidden area that you need to find to get a hostage. However I could probably do that if the fucking play control was shitty as fuck. It’s just so stiff yet somehow loose. I just realized the play control is what ruins so many video games and ruins this one. However I know that the second I hit publish on this post I will have forgotten this video game yet again. Say what you will about the other five games I will be talking about here but they are at least memorable.
This was a game I owned as a child and with pretty much every thing else from when I was a kid I’m always going to have some rose tinted glasses for those things. I’m going to try to be fair and balanced or whatever. I’m going to praise some of this game. The graphics are pretty great. The music is also pretty great (Even Portnoyd will have to agree). The game controls pretty well and it’s pretty neat that a weird racing game is also action packed. I will just say that this game is fucking BRUTALLY HARD. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten past the 7th or 8th level. This game starts off easy, like level 1 and 2 are like a carefree walk in the park but by level 6 this game has taken off its pants and is fucking you right in the ass. However, I still like this game but holy shit it’s one of the hardest games on the NES (and one I would still love to beat, along side Adventure Island which is another one of the hardest games on the NES!)
You know sometimes ripoffs can be a lot of fun. In the 1980s Italian movies would ripoff American movies and somehow make every single one of those movies insane (and mostly insanely entertaining). I mention this because Code Name Viper is just Rolling Thunder except this time the guy you play as doesn’t like to wear pants despite going off to kill 102391039109103 people to stop evil crimes. It’s wild. I guess he just likes to feel the fresh air on his dick and ass. I don’t know. Anyway, this game like Rolling Thunder is really quite fun, however it is also pretty damn hard. Not as hard as Rolling Thunder but still pretty good challenge. I should probably not say hard as much seeing as this guy just doesn’t want to wear any pants!!! (seriously play the game and tell me it looks like hes wearing pants!!!)
I should literally refuse to review this game because It’s really not even a game. It’s just a coloring book somehow ported to the NES. Like I hate to even compare this to Mario Paint because Mario Paint did things and you can do some pretty wild stuff with it to this day. Mario Paint can be considered a video game. It can be considered to be fun. This isn’t that. Seriously, spend $5 on a coloring book and color that if you really need too. It’s much better than spending $120 for this game. Seriously, I don’t even need to go into a “Jesus Christ it costs THAT now” spiel because seriously it’s fucking Color a Dinosaur.
If you think I’m just going to say WOW THIS GAME IS A MASTERPIECE AND A CLASSIC just because it’s Capcom then you’re dead fucking wrong. I’m not going to praise something that’s awful just because a video game company/film director/actor/whatever who ususally does good work did it. No this is one of their earliest games and well when you see a Capcom game with the grid look on it, well it’s kind of a crapshoot if it’s gonna be good. This game is not good. I personally feel the Commando character moves way too slowly and you get swamped by 92,000 bad guys so quickly and easily. There’s another Capcom game from this era that is similar but does things so much better. We will get to it soon enough, I hope. I just find this game to be annoying and unpleasant to play.
We now get to one of the fucking worst NES games period. This is bottom ten material here. This also reminds me of a goober from a goober website (Nintendo Age for those who don’t know) who would say this game was better than Mario 3. I don’t like to throw around the term contrarian lightly because people are able to have weird opinions on things but there’s no way BUT to call that guy a contrarian because this game is unplayable horse shit. The controls are frustrating. You have to hold the up thing on the D-Pad to jump up. You have such a poorly thought out levels too. They want you to do so many frustrating things with shitty controls in the levels. Sometimes you get a level that is different is that it’s just really fucking boring to play through! Wonderful. The graphics were AWFUL for the time. Like completely hot garbage shit. The music is also some of the worst. A truly unplayable, indefensible turd of a video game.
That was fun. You will get some more reviews soon. Anyway back to the rankings
Good games: 61
Bad Games: 57
Okay games: 15
This doesn’t even count as a game to me, Sorry: 1
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