More NES Games Portnoyd Will Be Wrong About.

 I’m making up for lost time because right now I’m quite bored and feel like talking about some more NES games. I guarantee portnoyd will be wrong about at least 5 of these 6 games because he’s a jerk. Who’s wrong.

Toho made Godzilla movies. And a lot of other movies. Toho also made video games. I was also curious what games they also made. I was going to be like THEY SHOULD JUST MAKE MOVIES AND STAY AWAY FROM THE GAMES but they made the two Godzilla games (and I actually like those games) and that makes complete sense but I had to look at John Riggs shitty video on Toho to find out what games they made. He is without a doubt the most boring asshole to make YouTube videos ever. I do not know how he has a following. He is a horribly boring person and I don’t like to see him show up on my YouTube thing. Anyway Toho’s first game to show up here is a big old piece of shit that is worth nothing and should never be played. It’s not bad because of the gameplay (it’s just jumping and smashing bad guys) or the music, or graphics but because of the SHITTY LEVEL DESIGN and SHITTY CONTROLS. They just threw shit out and didn’t even care about anything! The game is also somehow pretty easy but it’s still annoying and I don’t like it. Fuck this game.

City Connection is a game thats pretty fucking nostaligic for me. I remember picking this up VERY early in my collecting days. I also remember having a ball with it. It’s a simple arcade style game which makes sense because I’m pretty sure it was an arcade game! A very simple game where you have to spill paint all over the ground to escape the police some how. You drive around in your car spilling paint and avoiding cats and it gets harder and harder. The reason this game is more fun to play that say Chubby Cherub is that this game controls fine, the hit detection is a whole lot more fair and entertaining. This is a fun enjoyable game that you can still probably buy for $5. Well, it’s $9 now and I do think this game is worth nine dollars of fun but just buy an everdrive and save the $9 for pizza or a ninja turtle toy from 1989 or something.

This game is also incredibly nostalgic for me too! I remember seeing it when the Internet was actual websites made by people of all ages, from like 13 to 85 about just about every topic you can think of (instead of like 2 shitty social media websites and a video website in YouTube. Yes, I’m bitter. Fuck off). I found about this game on some old website and I played this game on an emulator and it was incredibly rad! This is a game where you gotta go all over the place to find stuff to help you to get to a different area to fight different bosses and this game is QUIRKY AND WEIRD and also pretty funny. I love the character designs and I wish they had made a sequel or something. If this were like 1998 and you could find NES games easily and for cheap prices of like $5 i’d say pick this game up. However this game goes for $20 and as an person whos trying finally to be at least a little bit of a responsible adult that’s money that could go towards a purchase of a MiSTER or a everdrive or something. It’s pointless to spend the money on this stuff when they are so expensive and so unnecessary but damn it was really fun while it lasted.

I think game shows are probably the lamest kind of television show ever created. I can name a shit ton of shows I like from all kinds of genres but when it comes to game shows I can name……4. I like Jeopardy, The Weakest Link, Who Wants to be A Millionaire and Supermarket Sweep. Honestly I think I might have only liked two of those shows for the time I got to spend with my parents. We’d watch Millionaire and Weakest Link when those were like THE BIGGEST DEAL EVER. Every other game show has never really been for me. I just don’t get it. So this is another game I don’t know if I ever played it before or not but it’s just seems to be a matching game. Maybe some other games? I dunno. all I know is it’s boring with a capital B. Let’s get to something better (I do like the Jeopardy games on the NES)

You know I respect that Nintendo still tried to keep the NES going years after the SNES showed up. What’s wild is that the NES stayed around until 1995 (I’m counting Sunday Funday as the final game released even if it is just a shitty version of Menace Beach) which was literally two years before the SNES was given up on. Cliffhanger is a pretty good movie. I like it quite a bit. It’s a very well shot, engaging, fun action movie. It even has the guy from Third Rock from the Sun in it! Also years ago I had an insane amount of patience for video games, mostly NES games. I somehow beat this game despite the fact it has some of the cruddiest, crappiest, shittiest, ASSIEST controls you could ever make for a video game. I don’t even know where to begin with them but they just might be the worst controls for a video game on the NES ever. I am not a fan. I do not like it. You do get to ride on the body of a guy though! Also it is better than the SNES game which is somehow the most boring beat em up of all time and that’s pretty wild. This game goes for $85 dollars which somehow feels really low to me because this game is honestly just as not easy to find as a lot of the games people go on about nowadays which just shows how silly the whole thing is now. Shouldn’t like all rare games make money now? Like this game should be worth more than Chubby Cherub. Seriously.

Unpopular Opinion Time! Keep Your Eyes Away from this post if you like this game! Avert them! Because here it comes! This game is a shitty pile of garbage and I fucking hate it. It’s a game that should be simple but they fucked up the shitty ass controls. I do not like the way this game plays and I don’t want to talk about it any more. I really shouldn’t have done two of these posts in a row because at this point I just don’t want to be typing anything at this moment. So I’ll stop. Fuck Clu Clu Land.

Another six games so you get the totals again. Woo.

Good Games: 59

Bad Games: 55

Okay Games: 15

NES Games OH Yeah, NES GAMES!!!!

 I was planning on doing my youtube channel again but I want to put actual effort and all that into that. I mean I think I could make it if that was the case. I need actual editing skills and a better microphone and all kinds of things I just don’t have right now. The lazy lame videos I made just gross me out right now. Is it possible to be really lazy, make shitty work and still somehow be a perfectionist? I don’t know but I do know that I need something to occupy my time in between watching movies and all that. Which means I’m bringing the blog back. To make portnoyd happy. I swear the jerk better watch the youtube video I make that is actually well made.

While I do plan to discuss other things again. Like comics and FINAL EPISODES and other stuff. I just feel the need to discuss another six NES games because well it was the thing I had most fun doing. I also want to get these games out of the way because well this just might be the most boring set of games I somehow came across. Really.

One of like three video game games based on bowling that I can think of. Bowling is probably the hardest sport to turn into a video game that feels satisfying. You can make satisfying Hockey games, Baseball games, Basketball games but Bowling just doesn’t seem to work. It’s weird. I think Super Bowling on the SNES is okay, but none of these games feel as satisfying as actually hitting a bunch of pins with a huge ass ball. So this game is made by ROMStar a company that made a lot of underwhelming games. Games I can’t in any way call good but I also cannot call bad. The worst is probably this game honestly. It’s really quite boring and I don’t like playing it. There is one ROMstar game I like and will consider in the good pile and it WILL annoy portnoyd when it shows up. So That’s good. This game isn’t an awful mess of shit that should never be played but it’s also not very exciting and your better off playing an actual game of bowling. The music is also really pretty shitty and boring too. Yet I cannot hate it.

This game is one of maybe 20 games I still haven’t played before. I’ve been playing NES games, just random NES games since I started collecting games in 1998. I had a collection of at least 600 of the games at one point. I just never played this one. I don’t know if I never owned it (the cover does not look familiar but it also incredibly generic as shit and I don’t want to see it again) or just decided to play something better, including the other three Pool games on the NES. In fact I had forgotten about this terrible, terrible game. This atrocious game. It’s the worst pool game on the NES. The rest of them are at least fun to a degree even if you suck at pool like I do. It’s just those games are honestly easy to figure out and control. This game was weird and hard to get a handle on and even hit any balls. I don’t even know what the hell to do and I just don’t give enough of a shit to try. I’m getting old and all I want is to figure out a game easily. Nothing fancy. Don’t do fancy! I can at least say I have now played Championship Pool, even if it was only for about five minutes. Five minutes I will never get back!

Hey, Can I just be honest for a second and say that I don’t think I’d played THIS game either. I never played Chess. I don’t know how too. To be honest I don’t want to spend my time trying to learn. Maybe when I’m 97 and living in New York Central Park somehow I can learn, but until then I do not want to play chess. It’s weird, it’s confusing, nothing is done with these games to help me figure out what the flying fuck I am doing, Just getting told THAT IS NOT A LEGAL MOVE!!! Fuck chess. I’m going to play Checkers, THE REAL THINKING MAN’S GAME. (also I hope this is the last Chess game I have to talk about. Also the last two games were made by the Software Toolworks. I don’t even remember any of there games that weren’t Mario is Missing and Marios Time Machine!)

Zapper games are a weird weird bunch. Some of them are weirdly simple (and they mostly work. like the black box games), some try to hard and don’t work and some try pretty hard and do end up working. Chiller is not a terrible zapper game but not that amazing. I don’t think I ever worked it but I somehow got working at one point with some emulator and now it wont work to retry it for this blog post. Chiller is sadly a game that really should have been cooler. Look at that cover. You do not get anything that cool looking in the game. It’s kinda like ghoulish shit happening to Fisher Price people in this game which is really funny in its own way. At least to me. Anyway this game isn’t awful.

Oh man. You know what this games means! Yes! I get to complain about the prices of Retro games online! You know how I mentioned how I started collecting in 1998! Here’s something I remembered recently. I asked a kid I was sorta friendly with if he had any NES games to sell me and he made fun of me. Yes, back then you would get made fun of for asking a damn question and even offering money! Now it’s like WOW SO COOL! I used to make fun of people who were like MAN THIS BAND THAT ACTUALLY FINALLY GOT A LITTLE BIT OF FAME SOLD OUT but I can honestly kind of understand those people now. At least a little bit. You were there when people thought you were a stupid worthless idiot with a damaged brain for wanting or enjoying this stuff. You were there in the long haul! Just to get thrown out for idiots who had too much money and idiots who somehow got popular on youtube! No I will not ever stop complaining about this. However this game may be rarer than we all think. You remember the Newfoundland rule (for those who do not, it’s the rule that if something shows up in Newfoundland you can no longer call it a rare thing. Only uncommon). Well I saw a LOT of games. Like stuff like Chip N Dale Rescue Rangers 2 and many rare games but I never once saw this. Not for a second. I had to buy this from someone. For five dollars. I remember some YouTube guys (that I liked at the time and still kinda like but I also hold responsible for ruining the shit out of this hobby) going on about how he spent $35 for this game. Or something like that. You could have spent that 35 bucks on so many fucking better things. This game was a waste of the five fucking dollars I spent on it. It’s a buggy, ugly, not enjoyable SHITTY FUCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE. The hit detection in this game is some of the worst garbage shit trash SHIT FUCK I have ever ever EVER seen IN MY LIFE. EVER. Fuck this game. Fuck people who ruined this shit. Fuck people who came in and took a big old messy dump on the floor. Fuck.

I’m probably going to be called a bit contrarian for this but I do not think these are the worst games on the NES. I don’t even know why but something about these games amuse the shit out of me. Like something about these try hard Ninja Turtle ripoffs are kind of amazingly charming to me. I’m not in any way saying this or Action 52 are good games. They are not. They are poor excuses for video games. However, if you were to show up to my house with a super goofy looking 1990s comic book gun and said YOU WILL PLAY ONE OF THESE GAMES FOR FIVE MINUTES OR I WILL SHOOT EVERYONE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD and gave me this game or Chubby Cherub, well I’d play this game. Yes, I said that. I said I’d play this over a game that the YOUTUBE VIDEO WIZARDS have decreed is rare and worth owning. This game is like a so bad it’s good movie where as Chubby Cherub is a fucking pile of hot shit melting on the sidewalk.

Good Games: 57

Bad Games: 52

Okay Games: 15