Let’s Review Every Movie Ever Made Because I’ve Gone Completely Fucking Bonkers. Part 3. Of 12 Million.

 9.) Tiger on the Beat (1988)

I love Hong Kong action films. I love buddy cop comedy action films. So you shove both in a blender and you get this WILD FUCKING RIDE. It stars Conan Lee and Chow Yun-Fat. Can you believe the only other movie I’ve seen him in was that terrible Dragon Ball live action movie that the US made (he was the best part). I really need to step up my game and watch more of his work. Conan Lee and Chow Yun-Fat work really well together. They are incredibly fun to watch. I’m amazed how Hong Kong Cinema can literally go from the goofiest shit to some very serious shit in about a minute and a half and somehow not feel like a tonal whiplash is happening. Anyway this movie has CHAINSAW ACTION and to find out what I mean there you must watch the movie which I believe you really really should do so.

10.) Pumpkinhead Ashes to Ashes (2006)

Back in 2020 when rewatching Pumpkinhead and reviewing it for my blog. You know the original movie? Yeah, I said I’d watch and review the sequels. So I watched Pumpkinhead II again and then didn’t watch parts 3 or 4 because I really really didn’t want too because they really really did not look very good and guess what I was right! But I will finally discuss them here and now. You can’t ever say I don’t finish what I start. Years later….Many years later. Anyway this is a Sci-Fi Channel movie. No I refuse to call it what it is these days. That is a dumb name. Dumb. Anyway this movie really fails because man back in the day a cheap movie could look good. Cheap B-movies from the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, 1980s and even 1990s look good. Not as amazing as a mainstream film but sometimes you could literally mistake them for one. You won’t do that with any B-movie made after 2000. So many of them use cheap CGI however I think this movie did use some practicals. Doesn’t help it from looking and feeling cheap. The plot also has so many huge holes that any person who cared would have picked them apart. I’m someone who gets excited when someone says HEY WANNA WATCH THE 1980S CARTOON C.O.P.S. or will willingly sit down and watch just about any action movie from 1990s. I love movies with massive plot holes but this one just annoys me. You see the bad guys in this movie who get Pumpkinhead sent after them have a crematorium you know the thing that can burn dead bodies? The ones they instead try to keep in a barn or a swamp. Like I’m sure that doctor guy could have burned so many bodies. Seeing as it seems he was the only doctor in this town. Just make some shit up for the yokels and get money from the black market organ shit. Anyway the people find the body of one guy so they end up finding the bodies of everyone and several people go to the witch and get Pumpkinhead to kill everyone. The actors in this movie for the most part aren’t the worst but they sure as hell aren’t the best, EXCEPT for Doug Bradley. He is probably the only reason to ever watch this. Lance Henrikson is a good actor. I love him, but man when he doesn’t give a shit he clearly doesn’t give a shit and he does NOT care in these movies. I don’t get how he even comes back as a ghost? Just because they could afford him I guess.

11.) Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

This one is a better movie but it’s still pretty shitty. I would not recommend either of these movies unless you are a completist. Like me, Or however you spell that word. I don’t care enough right now. Anyway this movie has a better plot and maybe better acting in MOST of the other places except for the main guy who brings in Pumpkinhead. He is REALLY bad. I haven’t seen acting that bad in a very long time. This one has two feuding families named the Hatfields and the McCoys, Yes like those families. The Hatfields accidentally kill one of the McCoys so out come Pumpkinhead and so much murder happens. There’s also a guy who escaped Pumpkinhead’s wrath by killing the guy who summoned Pumpkinhead (thats how you get rid of ol’ Pumpy) and he’s only in the movie to give the characters that information. I don’t even think the character who kills Pumpkinhead (the guy who summoned him) even hears the cop guy. Who became a cop after he killed the guy? I don’t know. I liked another one of this directors movies called House of the Dead II. It was goofy and cheesy but it least felt like people cared more about that one. I don’t think they cared about this movie and it shows. Not a fun watch. Still better than the third movie, holy poop that’s a bad one.

12.) Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Hellraiser. Is there a horror series that has more abysmal and worthless sequels than this series? I do not think so. I think I enjoyed more Children of the Corn sequels than Hellraiser sequels. I remember liking at least four Children of the Corn movies. With Hellraiser it’s only three movies. The original. The 1988 sequel and then thirty four years later where they rebooted it. Or did the original story closer. Still there’s eleven of these movies and three of them are any good. I mean I think those three movies are pretty fucking wonderful but man the rest of them are just varying levels of ass. This one however is the bottom of the barrel, or I HOPE is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to Hellraiser because I still have one more of these movies to watch. I’m pretty sure they kept making this one because the dickheads at Dimension films (you know those slimebags the Weinsteins) wanted to keep the rights to make a remake or something. So they shit this turd out rather quickly and man oh man is it terrible. Two unlikable pieces of shit leave their home in California or some rich people place to go to Mexico and then kill a hooker and meet the Cenobites and one of them is killed. The other guy comes back and then kills another woman for no fucking reason really. Seriously. He doesn’t know that it has the power to bring back a person who the Cenobites took away (like in the first movie). Only one of the two comes back after a year or something and the family is like WOAH ITS YOU! Then nothing happens for like 50 minutes until it turns out that it’s not the familys son but its his evil mean friends son who wants to sacrifice their daughter so he can get away from the Cenobites. Seriously nothing happens for like 50 fucking minutes of this seventy five minute piece of shit. This movie felt like it was 82 years long. I am not a fan. There is a moth on my computer screen now. I don’t like it. I poked it and it tried to fly right in my face. This moth discussion was way more interesting then this shitty shitty movie. Please do not watch it. Seriously, I was planning to watch the horror sequels that I havent seen yet but have no decided against that because I do not want to see any movie as bad as this at least for a little while.

Let’s Review Every Adult Swim Show Because Why The Hell Not?: The New Shows Version

 Yep. This is back so shortly after the awful horrible Tim and Eric piece. I just figured that it would be now a good time to see what the newest shows on adult swim are like. These four shows are from 2021 to 2023. Let’s see if the new beats out the old or if they all fail poorly. Let’s get to it!

1.) Royal Crackers

if you could look up “trying too hard to be funny” in like a term dictionary or something you’d find two pictures. a picture of this blog and a picture of this show. This show is trying way way way too hard to be funny. I do not like it in the least. It’s about two brothers who’s father owned a cracker business and they have to be co-CEO’s to save the business or some shit. Every joke just comes off as trying way too hard to be wacky or funny or offensive. It just doesn’t work. They also do that weird “let’s keep the joke going forever like Family Guy” forgetting that let’s keep the joke going forever in Family Guy worked out…..once. The first time they did it when Peter smacked his leg and fell on the ground holding it going OOO or something. It’s something that doesn’t usually work. Anyway I think the characters are obnoxious and if that’s a part of the joke then it’s not a good one. They are also out of date with references. Do people even care about viral videos anymore? I can’t even remember the last time there was a viral video but then again I’m stuck in my own weird world and when I do find a viral video no one cares anymore. Anyway, I do not think I’ll be coming back to this show.

2.) Teenage Euthanasia

This show isn’t too bad. It’s about a woman who leaves her child in the hands of her Baba and just goes off. She ends up dying and then being brought back to life. She now has a chance to be a mother to her now teenage daughter she just left selfishly. This is a pretty good concept and I did laugh a few times at the first episode. Enough to be like Yeah I’ll come back to this sometime. She’s got some super powers because I guess zombies get superpowers in this universe. I actually had fun with this show but I think it could be better if it were tighter in the writing. You know one of those shows thats like 11-15 minutes instead of 21? A lot of this stuff could have just been whittled down to a better experience but hey it’s still pretty decent. I’m at least willingly to watch more which is more than I can say for Royal Crackers.

3.) Smiling Friends

I did see an episode of this before. I think some internet fancy guy was in it. I can’t remember but I do remember being entertained by it. I watched another episode where they go on a trip to Brazil that gets messed up when Pim (the pink fella) forgets to book the hotel rooms. So they discuss this stuff and go home and I can’t say I was too big on that episode. Still I’m willing to give this show a go because I like the concept of two guys just trying to help people as their job and I really like the character designs. Very weird and wild that works very well for me. I might come back to this show later on. Who knows?

Anime Superman! Yes! It’s time to talk about whats the newest show on adult swim. My Adventures With Superman is well a pretty fun show about you know, The Man of Steel. The first Superhero of them all. I’ve only seen two episodes but I did enjoy them because I like the Superman cast of characters. However I do not think this is the show that will turn you into a Superman fan if you are unaware of the character or hate him. One thing that did amuse me was that he did have his own Anime Clothes Changing Thing, You know like Sailor Moon and the ilk. Pretty fun stuff. Despite my affection for Superman and the cast of characters from that series and my enjoyment of this show I have to ask Why is this on adult swim? This really does not feel like it should be on adult swim. It’s very out of place. It should be on Toonami or something. I dunno. Anyway good show. Still growing so who knows if it will keep working or not.

Yep. It seems adult swim is still going pretty decently. Three of these four shows are at least enjoyable enough for me to want to watch more. I probably will talk about more new adult swim shows next time. Who knows?

Let’s Review Every Movie Ever Made Redux Part II: The Revenge

 Well It’s time to watch another four movies and discuss them! Weehoo! I really don’t know how else I can make an opening paragraph for this kinda blog post! Weehoo! Weehoo isn’t a thing anyone says.

5. Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990)

This movie was a fucking hoot and a half. It was a movie where society is just starting to break down. It’s not like The Road Warrior just yet but it’s getting there. It’s actually pretty neat to see society like this. Corey Haim plays a guy just trying to get by who has a younger brother and a father figure in Julius Harris a big old black man. He saves a member of a fascist youth gang. They made a drug that sterilizes the undesirables who they sell it too. Corey Haim’s character goes undercover to help out a cop because the cop will help Corey’s brother. Corey Haim’s character is also old friends with the leader of the group. Who who also Paul from Sleepaway Camp. That guy was so good at playing a charming slimy shithead. This was a fun action film that I very much enjoyed. If you like direct to vhs movies you’ll probably have a good time with this one.

6.) Mission Impossible 6: Fallout (2018)

I really really enjoy the first four Mission Impossible movies. Yes, I even enjoyed part 2 which everyone hates apparently. Trust me I’ve seen stuff that makes that movie look like it’s the best thing ever made. They were charming fun, willing to be a bit over the top, JUST serious enough to take the entire film serious but willing to be comedic. I didn’t really like part 5 because I thought they took themselves WAY too seriously. I have to say I liked part 6 a bit more even though it’s a clear sequel to five even bringing back the bad guy from that one to it. This pretty much suffers from the same problem I had with 5. Takes it self WAY too seriously. A lot of the action was just not the most amazing, although I did really like the crazy helicopter shit at the end. I dunno but these movies just aren’t hitting it for me like the first four did. Port will disagree and be a buttlord.

7.) Battle Royale 2: Requiem (2003)

Wow our first Japanese film on this post is a fucking DUD. I remember really enjoying the original film when I watched it probably 20 years ago because I am an old and will turn to dust soon. Anyway the movie involved the government making a class full of ninth graders kill each other for some crazy government reason. The last two who survived have become terrorists wanting to get rid of the whole government and adults. Anyway a new class of kids are sent after the terrorist group and you can really tell this movie was directed by two people and not in the hilariously wild way say something like Spookies was. That movie was hilariously insane because two people with very different ideas for that movie. This one was 45 minutes of actually reletively interesting stuff (I seriously was wondering why so many people on letterboxd didn’t like it during those first 45 minutes) Then the class is saved by the terrorists becuase they use an EMP that blows up all the electrical doodads that are on their necks. That will explode if they don’t do what the government wants. Then it’s a bunch of shit that’s just thrown together and you want it all to end. It meanders all over the place. It doesn’t seem to know what the point it’s trying to get across is even. It’s all just a really big mess that I wish was more like the first 45 minutes but hey we can’t always get what we want.

8.) Sorceress (1995)

This poster is awesome but very misleading. It makes you believe it’s gonna be some wild horror film and that’s what I was in the mood for when I decided to watch it. It’s very much a goofy ass 1990s erotic thriller that involves witchcraft and magic. Once you realize that and get over the fact you aren’t getting a wild ass horror movie it’s a pretty entertaining goofy ass 1990s erotic thriller. It involves a witch who hurts the husband of another witch before she ends up dying and what do you know the other witch pretty much wants revenge on the husband. Even though he doesn’t even believe in witch craft. The husband Larry gets back with another love interest and thats when Linda Blair takes over her mind with magical powers. It’s up to the son of the guy from Green Acres to kill Linda Blair and save his friends. It’s a pretty wild ride with some uh let’s say nicely erotic scenes and leave the perverseness to a minimum. This is a family blog where even Grandma can come to read nice clean reviews full of cursing!

A interesting group of movies. The only one I’d completely say to avoid is Battle Royale II. I didn’t really care much for Mission Impossible 6 but if you liked the other ones you should still check it out Ya know. It’s okay to disagree about movies unless it’s for dumb political reasons like its woke or some shit.

Let’s Review Every Movie Ever Made Redux.

 Well I’m redoing a series of blog posts that only got one post. It’s going to be the same thing except I’m going to review four movies in a single post instead of two. I am not even linking to the other post because it was so bad. I should delete it but I will not. Anyway I watch a lot of movies. I mean sometimes I’ll go a while without watching any and then get a bug up my ass and watch more than any person reasonably should. So I figure let’s discuss these movies. These are the latest movies I’ve watched

1. Police Story

Jackie Chan movies are the greatest thing God ever gave this world. At least they are way up there. The ones he did in Hong Kong are the best but I can’t deny that I still like watching him do his thing in stuff like Shanghai Noon. I miss buddy comedies where two goofballs would go have a wild adventure. I miss that so much. Anyway I very much enjoyed this movie. A pretty straight forward plot where Jackie goes up against drug dealing jerks. And ends up kicking everyone’s ass. The only problem is that this movie lags for a little bit (just a very little bit) in the beginning but man if the opening and closing action sequences aren’t fucking amazing. Watch this movie or ELSE.

2. Police Story II

Yes. More Jackie Chan. I think I’ve now seen every Police Story (you don’t want to know how hard it is to not just put Academy after Police. It’s tough) movie from the 1980s and 1990s. I believe they made have made two newer ones in the 2010s but I’ll get to them when I get to them. This movie involves a bunch of bombers blowing shit up to get money blackmailing rich people. Also the bad guys from the first movie are back to really pretty much goof around. You could have removed all of their scenes and not much of the story would have been lost. Not saying you SHOULD remove their scenes because they do involve some great fights. I’m just saying the blackmailing bombers are clearly the more interesting and better part. Anyway I enjoyed this movie. I don’t know which of the four (I believe Mr Nice Guy is a Police Story movie in Hong Kong) is my favorite but I do know that you should check out all of them. Along with just every Jackie Chan movie to be safe. Except the Karate Kid. Not even Jackie Chan can replace Pat Morita!

3. Barbie

This movie was a wonderful delight. I haven’t seen any of Greta Gerwig’s fancy pants Oscar like movies but I’m kinda tempted to check out more because this movie was very funny, heartfelt and just a joy to watch. Everyone was clearly having the time of their lives being in it and it shows on screen. Of course the fun haters of society, Conservatives all over the internet are yelling about minor feminist ideals that are in the movie. It’s not like Barbie is now cutting dicks off or something. It’s the simple “women deserve respect and to be able to anything a man can” wow! I for one am very offended by the SHEER GOD DAMN IDIOCY of anti-woke YouTube conservatives. I wish they would go away. Forever. Anyway I would rate Barbie very highly. It’s even got a dance-off in it! Who can say no to that?

4. Venture Brothers: Radiant is the Blood of the Baboon Heart

This will be a spoiler warning but I don’t really think I’ll end up talking about a lot of stuff in this movie. This is just in case I do. Who knows. Anyway to spoil the adult swim mini-blog post series I must tell you that I think this might be the best show they ever had anything to do with. It is a love letter to superheroes, action cartoons of the 1960s and 1970s by like Hanna Barbera and stuff. It’s also hilarious and the literal ongoing story is one that I would have been incredibly angry, sad and depressed if it didn’t get an ending. It thankfully did and it was a really great ending. Everyone gets a final time to shine really. It’s a delightful romp and it even ends on an open ending in case somehow they get to do another season of TV. I mean that won’t happen because The New WB is really shitty because they were sold by the Old WB which was also shitty in its own way because HBO Max the streaming service wasn’t the biggest ultra mega hit right out of the gate so whatever cell phone company owned WB threw it to the dumbest fucker working in Hollywood today. Yeah. It won’t get renewed but they will throw more money than humanly possible at The Flash to give us the worst superhero movie ever. Yes I’m counting Steel and Catwoman and those weird Italian Superhero movies based on their comics made in the 1960s. All of those at least had charm. The Flash just made my nut sack hurt. I was happy with regular phones, video stores and cable tv. Fuck streaming. fuck the future. Fuck it all. Uh, to not get too depressing I love this show enough to literally put money into a crowd fund. I don’t do patreon. I don’t do crowd funds BUT if these guys came and say hey we can do a season 8 but you gotta give us money I would shit my britches and give them money. I mean it wouldn’t be a lot but it would be something.

Well that concludes the first part of this reboot of a one post series. I don’t know what the next four movies could be and with me it could literally be anything. So stay tuned and keep cool!

Reviewing Every Adult Swim Show Part IV: Fuck Tim and Eric Edition

 Well I didn’t expect to do this so quickly. I figured that today I’m already annoyed. It’s getting warmer and warmer each summer due to a thing called Climate Change and I’m not going to get into that too much just that we still have a chance to fix shit and we should try as hard as we can to do so. Okay, political comment over. I’m already annoyed and sweaty and thats no fun. I’m also a fat boy so sweating is even less fun. I do not like it in the slightest. It is garbage. So I figure why ruin a good mood on a nice happy day by watching this shit I just decided to get over the three fucking Tim and Eric related TV shows that adult swim showed because they hate me personally.

I do not know why Tim and Eric are acting like weird zombie monster men in that image above and frankly I do not care. I want to get this over with so I can never talk about them again. I do not get it. The episode I watched was called Toes (yeah I said I’d try to watch at least two episodes but I ain’t doing that for these shit heads) and its about a doctor played by Bob Odenkirk who could do weird goofy comedy very well. The show he did with David Cross, Mr. Show was wild insanity done right. With this I don’t know why its supposed to be funny. Is it because it’s weird? is it because its so serious that it feels like a shitty drama? is it because M Emmett Walsh says to a child “I’m your dad now!” which comes off as weird and creepy instead of funny. I seriously don’t get this. I’m just left baffled and annoyed. I’m so glad I will never have to sully this blog with the presence of Tim and or Eric ever again after this. I don’t get why Bob Odenkirk likes these guys and I don’t get why M Emmett Walsh didn’t tell them to go fuck a goose because he was already like 102 years old whenever this show came out.

I have to be completely honest. One of the jokes in this stupid show actually caught me off guard and made me laugh. It will be a laugh that will haunt me until the end of my life. I gave Tim Fuckhead and Eric Shitbag a laugh. I will never be able to forgive myself. Never ever. Anyway this show involves a guy named Tom (voiced by Tim Fuckhead) who has all these supposedly great ideas that get ruined by the Mayor (voiced by Eric Shitbag). I really don’t like this shows art style. It’s very unappealing and I do not like looking at it. Also I lost half the draft of this blog post and I’m not trying to get it back. In other words fuck this show.

So I have to rewrite this part of the post and rewrite the ending because of a lost draft. Wonderful. I love having to redo things. I especially love having to redo things that make me want to shit my pants in rage. So I am assuming this is a parody of public access shows. I don’t get it becuase I never watched the one public access channel we had in St. John’s Newfoundland. Channel 9 I think. When I found out I could skip over channels with my TV I did just that. It showed news about the fishery and hockey games. I was a kid then and no kid cares about the fishery and I never cared about sports. Do not act shocked because I talk about goofy old nerd crap on wordpress in 2023. If that surprises you, you gotta be nuts. Anyway this episode involved him talking to a priest, sucking a black mans penis and talking to a wizard. He talks weird and I don’t know what to think of it all.

I know I was mean to these shows but thats for two reasons. I geuninely do not like them one bit. I find them trying way too hard and yet not trying at all. It’s a weird mix of garbage comedy that I do not like. If you get something out of them I am incredibly glad for you. The second reason is to annoy portnoyd which is always fun. Anyway I know I usually talk about four shows here but I just don’t feel like trying to find a fourth show at this point and I’m going to move on to something else. Bye.

The Final Episode #116: The Jetsons (1980s Revival Series)

 

Wow, four of these in a row. I guess I’m going to have to find a few movies to watch to review or a comic or something to break it all up. Or maybe another random ass thoughts blog post. Those are easy to do. I like to keep the content different but I also really enjoy talking about the Final Episodes of TV shows. It’s a fun way to see how shows ended. Even when the show in question is one I was never a big fan of. Yes, despite my enjoyment of several other Hanna Barbera properties, I was never a fan of the Jetsons. Or the Flintstones. But you would have known this if you read my blog post on the original series.

Yes, while they are considered seasons 2 and 3 I just consider them an entirely new show. I do not care. The original series ended in 1963 and this series started up in 1985. That’s 22 years. I don’t care if anyone else is counting it but I will. The Jetsons was originally in prime time going up against Dennis the Menace and Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color which uh pretty much was a bad idea because it got bad ratings. However ABC then decided to put out the 26 episodes of the original series on their Saturday Morning Block in 1963 – 1964 season. That made the Jetsons a huge hit. It was literally one of the only cartoons that were on ALL three big networks. ABC, CBS and NBC. NBC even had the original show on the TV in 1983. It’s no wonder they finally made new episodes two years later. I was never a big fan but its clear other people enjoyed it.

So, The Jetsons is finally brought back in 1985 and it’s pretty much the same stuff as the original show. Except that Elroy finds an alien pet named Orbity. I like Orbity. He’s a cutie. I also like Astro because I am just a sucker for how Hanna Barbera drew dogs. So wonderful. Anyway The Final Episode is called Spacely for a Day (even though the story takes place over two weeks but whatever) written by Haskell Burnett who worked for Hanna Barbera (on great stuff like Captain Caveman!) and wrote stories for Darkwing Duck, Pound Puppies, Monsters, Spiral Zone, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, Tales from the Dark Side and The Twilight Zone (1980s version). That’s a wild mix of television programs to write for.

I’m going to be nice enough because if you like the Jetsons than you’ll probably enjoy this Final Episode. It’s not a bad tale really. I just am not a big fan of these characters except for Astro and Orbity. and Rosie. I cannot hate a robot. I love robots. All of them. Anyway the story starts out with George Jetson working for the worst rich cartoon character ever, a balding short fucker named Mr. Spacely. This fucker is so annoying that I can’t even enjoy the fact that he’s a dwarf. I love dwarves. Just like robots. Uh anyway he’s hired a guy to make production go faster and the guy makes George Jetson sit in an awkward manner.

Mrs. Spacely calls and chews out her husband. He’s to find someone to replace him because she wants to go on a vacation for two weeks. Fuck I hate the Spacelys. They suck. ASS. Anyway the guy whos doing the work says he can test all the workers. Mr Spacely is happy because this might mean George Jetson will fail so hard that he can fire him. Mr Spacely can suck my nuts. Fuck you Mr. Spacely. Anyway George does the tests (which involves playing that find the ball under the cups game and also put back a robot together very quickly) but Mr Spacely interrupts him all the time. I really should write a top 10 worst cartoon characters of all time list.

Anyway George freaks out and then Elroy, Judy AND Astro all somehow easily not only pull up his test results before hand on a computer but change them. Hacking is so fucking easy in the future that even dogs can do it. This makes him the smartest guy the testing guy has ever seen and he gets the job of being Spacely’s replacement. Now in comes Cogswell Cogs who I like because he so annoys Mr. Spacely. I wish he would have won and ruined Mr. Spacely with this episode. Anyway He gets George to sell 3 million sprockets from a shitty company that never pays.

George now becomes an asshole turd just like Mr. Spacely. He’s mean to his family and everything. He’s even mean to Rosie. You are NEVER mean to ANY Robot. If you think thats okay, then fuck you. Cogswell is happy but he decides to trick George into melting the fucking company. You really should have thought while you were ahead but if you did you probably wouldn’t be a bad guy in a cartoon series. Anyway just before George is about to spray the melting juice all over Spacely’s Sprockets. Jane and Elroy show up because Elroy had just told Jane about the hacking crime he did. Didn’t even bring up Judy or Astro but I guess he didn’t see them because he left. Who knows?

They find out about the melting juice and bring the melting juice to Cogswell and leave. Cogswell gets a phone message from George and finds out that George won’t do it so he just grabs his remote and does it. Doesn’t even try to find out where the melting juice machine actually is. I think he might be the dumbest cartoon villain honestly. He ends up melting his own plant. Mr. Spacely comes back finds out about the 3 million sprockets going to Shitty Plant and fires Jetson. Cogswell comes crawling to Jetson who gets him to buy the 3 million sprockets with an extra 100% profit. To show his respect Mr. Spacely gives him his own shitty job back. What a piece of shit.

FINAL VERDICT: It may sound like I hate this show and the Final Episodde but I don’t. It’s just there. If I were to give The Jetsons a star rating it would be 2 and a half stars out of five. Right down the middle. Not the best. Not the worst. Just existed. I’d watch the Jetsons over say Casper or Monster by Mistake or the New Adventures of He-Man any day but there’s also a lot of stuff I’d watch before I ever watched the Jetsons. I guess you could say as the children do these days that the Jetsons is mid.

The Final Episode #115: Transformers: Beast Machines

 

The last two posts of The Final Episode were a top and bottom 5 lists. To do them I pretty much had to go look at the list and check out several posts and it reminded me that I have many things still to do with several of those posts. Like consider these posts sequels to those posts. I’m glad the first one I plan to tackle is the worst of the lot so that I can finally finally get this one over it. This was possibly one of the biggest disappointment of my childhood. A pointless and awful sequel series to one of my favorite things, Beast Wars which was a sequel its self in a way to the original Transformers G1 which was also great. Yes this is how the original G1 transformers really go out. The Final Goodbye is really this shitball show.

This show was a fucking disappointment. It came out the same year that Beast Wars ended. I don’t know when I heard about it but it excited me. It felt like ages before I got to see an actual episode and my first thought was “what the fuck is this shit” even at fourteen years old I could tell what a shit show was. This was a shit show. Also remember how time worked as a kid. I am CERTAIN it worked differently as a child because some times a half an hour felt like a month in certain situations and now I blink and 4 days pass. Time is weird and I am not a fan. I do not like this hurdle towards the grave.

Anyway this show has so many problems. So many. The first one was the fucking redesigns. I hated them when I was fourteen which was a reason I would rarely watch this program. HATED them. Awful. They took really nice animal designs and fucked each and every one them up with a shittier lazier design. I don’t know how to explain it really other than I do not like looking at them and that’s bad for a television program. The second reason is that apparently the guys who were hired to story edit the show were told not to watch any of the old episodes of G1 or Beast Wars. Isn’t that a great way to make a sequel to something. Not having any idea what happened in the other shows. Oh and then Hasbro was like “oh we want some G1 stuff put in the show” so they just randomly picked some stuff like the weird disease the Transformers got in some episode. No, not the important character continuity or anything but just some random thing that people can go OH I REMEMBER THAT!!!! REMEMBER!!! I LOVE REMEMBERING!!!!

The plot of this show was stupid and fucking terrible too. Megatron somehow gets away from the Maximals and easily takes over Cybertron by himself. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Then the characters are told by someone that Cybertron used to be organic and they have to make it organic again (which later on was about making it technoragnic.) and I’m telling you right now the lamest fucking thing you can do with robot characters is try to make them organic in any way. The reason they are cool is THAT THEY ARE FUCKING ROBOTS. IT’S NOT CALLED GRASSFORMERS YOU SHITHEADS.

The new characters also sucked. They made the old characters not feel like themselves and I have to trash work by Marv Wolfman and Len Wein who made some incredibly great comic books that I love. I do not like that! Not at all. Portnoyd will probably try to say these ideas probably worked great just to be a dirthuffer.

I cannot put this shit off any more because this show end is three parts. Three parts of messy worthless shit.

So the Final Episode is called Endgame and is three whole parts of suckage. The first one is pretty simple to explain. The Maximals are in a giant Megatron head and Megatron is now stuck in a wimpy robot body. They split up and oh no Megatron still has power of his drones and sends hundreds after the Flying Megatron Head. BUT THEY GOT THE SHIELDS UP. so how do they get past the shields… well a new transformer called I don’t fucking know who is also PLANT BASED has to get down to the earth to survive. So Rattrap sends her on her way back despite what everyone else says. Her pod gets hit and Megatron finds it (oh and the other group that are on the ground literally blew up the drone machine and his factory so shouldn’t that mean like all the drones no longer work? I don’t know because I’m only watching these shitty last 3 episodes and no more) and the doohicky Rattrap put on it lets them get pass the shields because everyone writing for this show knew it was over and didn’t care anymore. They are stuck on the Giant Megatron head who now is on the ground and they have to keep the sparks (think like a Transformers soul or something) safe. Oh no!

Now this is some shit. Like literal feces. So they get the shields back up while Megatron works on getting his new body up and running. They have to split up AGAIN to save the trees and fossils??? (something I did not expect to say in a Transformers review) and Optimus Primal somehow gets in touch with The Oracle which gives him the powers of more sparks??? This is just confusing and I do not care enough to watch the rest of the show to figure it out. Megatron gets his new body that is the Optimal Optimus body that due to reasons in this shows continuity AND Beast Wars continuity uh Megatron shouldn’t have schematics for it. Who cares, just shove in the random reference to the old show that you didn’t even want to reference in the first place. I know I usually not that hard on shows for continuity reasons but when you only have 26 episodes YOU CAN KIND OF KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL.

So it’s just Optimus Primal vs Optimal Megatron! Who will win! Well let me tell you. The winner ends up being no one because this is a stupid fucking ending. Megatron ends up having Optimus Primal at his feet after a fight. Megatron can finally suck up all the sparks and turn Cybertron into a Technological World….I mean even more Technological. I guess. He’s looking into the core getting ready to do it but can’t. Optimus Primal then tells him he can’t use it without his have of the oracle…..which Megatron then just takes. Yeah just make the hero of the story a complete and utter fucking stupid fucking idiot moron fuck. Some of the oracle remains which Primal then hits Megatron’s Big King Chair and it turns into a plant. Yes, they were really throwing shit at the wall at this point. I don’t know if this is the same Michael Reaves who wrote some great episodes of Batman The Animated Series but if it is he really should be ashamed.

The Plant Chair hold Megatron down and Primal is able to shoot the stupid plant arms and they fall into the core and blammo it’s now the techno-organical world that it was supposed to be for some reason. Everyone is alive except Megatron and Optimus Primal. Woo. Everyone is now happy, except me who wonders why I should do anything with this fucking crap.

FINAL VERDICT: Beast Machines may have had some good talent who worked on a lot of things I like, nay love. Good talent however cannot save a bad idea. Beast Machines and the whole techno-organical thing is just dumb. I just don’t like it. I just don’t like how the characters don’t feel like those from Beast Wars. Beast Machines just might be my least favorite thing related to Transformers. and yes that includes Headmasters and even the Bayformers. Just a mess.

The Final Episode #114: The Best Final Episodes Thus Far…

 I did a worst of list. It’s literally the post below this. I really don’t know how to open this but it feels wrong not to talk about the Best Episodes when you talked about the worst. Some of these were delightful. Hell the vast majority of them were at least somewhat fun. Even the cliffhanger episodes as annoying as they will always be to me were still somewhat fun. I won’t be letting any cliffhanger on this list because well it’s still half a story. Half a story that we will never see the end too. Still it was actually hard to bring it down to just five but hey let’s see what craziness we will see.

5. Dinosaurs

I loved this series. It was goofy. It was weirdly serious at times. It was really well done. It involved a family of Dinosaurs that had all kinds of stories that mirrored today people life. I think thats what we should refer to the present as. Today People Life. I like it. The past was for Dinosaurs and the Future is for who knows what but the present is for Today People Life! This is also probably the darkest Final Episode too because the entire cast waits for death due to the wild fuckup Earl Sinclair did. I mean it makes sense seeing as Dinosaurs died out and it seems weird not to do something with that. A very depressing end to a really positive and fun show. I guess I’m a nihilist at heart.

4. Transformers Beast Wars

I have to put this on the list because it’s one of the few shows that had an ongoing story back then. Most cartoons for kids were just WACKY ADVENTURE TIME but this show (and oddly enough The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin and the third and fourth seasons of Reboot) were ones that I can remember at least that gave you a ongoing story. Yeah some episodes had no information bringing closure to the story but a lot of episodes you had to see and if you missed it you’d be pissed because it was 1999 and we only have VCRs to tape stuff. Anyway it gets on the list for not only not being a cliffhanger but being a pretty good end to the entire thing. Optimus Primal and his Maximals finally beat the shit out of Megatron. Like they kill everyone on his team except for Megatron (who they bring back to Cybertron) and Waspinator is now king of the cave-people who lived on the earth. The only reason why this isn’t above the #4 spot is because they never gort to make the episode that made it more clear why Dinobot II helps the Maximals in the end but still this was a terrific way to end a terrific series.

3. ThunderCats

When I decided to do a Top 5 List I knew I had to revisit several shows on the list I kept on blogger which I’m sure I will try to bring over here someday. Hint. someday. Which means sometime between now and the heath death of the universe. This show has to be on the list for how genuinely happy I was while writing that review. Holy shit I was INTO this crazy fucking ending. Yeah ThunderCats had an ending that felt like an ending AND it was better than both GI Joe and Transformers final episodes! They totally stop Mumm-Ra and live peacefully! Wild!

2. Quantum Leap

Yeah, I know this is a controversial pick, but it’s MY pick damnit. I think that the Final Episode of Quantum Leap was a great ending to the show. It was a unique and interesting mystery that unfolded into a very sad ending. Sad but also uplifting. Sam saves Al’s first marriage but does not get to leap home. However this makes sense to me because I think deep down Sam knew that he was needed to make right what once went wrong. To fix these problems and help so many people. Sad but weirdly uplifting. That’s why I pick it. I guess I’m not a nihilist at heart in the end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

DuckTales: a REALLY good 2 parter that involves a goose that turns the entire damn world into gold. It’s got Djion in it and everything! I love that guy! Totally the best Final Episode to a Disney Afternoon cartoon that I’ve talked about thus far!

Pepper Ann: More Disney! This was a fun Final Episode where they put all the characters into the future to see what its like! This future episode is now in the past! That makes me feel very old! I hope to end up like the German kid going from fat to sleek and svelte.

Family Matters: It’s Urkel! IN SPACE! Do I have to say anything more???

Fat Albert: Just go here and read my original thoughts . The Final Episode isn’t great but everyone needs to know about the OTHER two episodes I watched.

Land of the Lost: I so wish this show had aired in reruns when I was a kid. Man it’s so cool.

Silverhawks: It’s like ThunderCats but with bird people on steroids instead. It’s still great 1980s cartoon fun!

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: doesnt matter if its the original series or the revival both in the 1990s its still a damn good time.

The Addams Family: man it’s the Fuckin Addam’s Family!

The Munsters: They also had a great Final Episode!

Samurai Pizza Cats: a very fun anime dub gets a very fun ending.

The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers: like Thunder Cats this show was fucking wild.

Highway to Heaven: It gets on this list not only because that the Final Episode is pretty great but because it’s like the one good religious based show ever made. I dread having to talk about Touched by an Angel.

The Care Bears Family: I would let down little child claw If I didn’t mention this one.

AND NOW THE BEST FINAL EPISODE EVER IS!

WEBSTER!

Yes! I know what you are thinking. Hey didn’t Webster end on a clipshow? And the answer is yes. But here’s the thing, Webster is probably going to be the most creative batshit weird ass clipshow ever. It’s not only a clipshow but a crossover. A cross over with something that should not happened but did in the most beautiful and amazing way. Webster for those who do not know was a show where Mongo from Blazing Saddles. Then his former basketball teammate or army buddy or something dies and he’s left with his kid. A wacky lovable black child that captured America’s heart. Now the show they team up with is FUCKING Star Trek the Next Generation. The only thing that would be wilder if the final episode of Punky Brewster was also a clipshow but she teamed up with Knight Rider instead of giving her dog a birthday party or something. It’s so baffling but that’s what makes it amazing. I urge everyone to check out all of the final Episodes i mentioned here but If you gotta do one you gotta make it Webster. The shit eating grin athat closes out the episode would have made it #1 anyway but it’s even much better with Worf.

I will be back to yelling about the 1980s version of the Jetsons or City Guys next time. I dunno.

The Final Episode #113: The Worst Final Episodes Thus Far!

 When I first started this thing it was just for funsies to see how the Final Episode of the shows from the past were like. Did they end on a high note? Did they end on a low note? Did they end with a cliffhanger? Was it just a wacky adventure of the week that you would have no idea that it was the Final Episode unless you had an episode guide? Those were the questions I wanted to answer.

Thankfully if I’m being fair, most Final Episodes were pretty good. Or at least decently pleasant. A depressing amount were thrown together trash. It’s a shame that any series ended on a low note. Unless it was like The Big Bang Theory. I hope they all got thrown into an active volcano and that’s how that garbage pile ended. Sadly I’m sure it ended positively for those unfunny piles of cat shit. I will never understand how Urkel was considered the most annoying character in TV history in the 1990s and Sheldon was somehow made into a hero. I hate Sheldon. I hate all of those shitheads. I think by even mentioning them here that I’m going to end up talking about that show as a post on here. Actually that will be The Final Final Episode. So when I’m done talking about every other goofy thing I want to talk about I talk about the TV show I hate the most.

Uh, the point I was getting at before I started yelling about that pile of shit show was I think it would be fun to revisit some of the Final Episodes for a bottom 5 list of sorts. I am way too lazy to do a bottom 10 and I’m honestly unsure if I could even find 10 ones I really disliked. But let’s start.

5. Bewitched

When looking up a picture to use here for this show I found out that Bewitched is getting another remake. That’s right. I know I joke that every IP from the past is going to get a remake or a reboot or a decades late sequel but I’m starting to believe it. Seriously did you know that Head of the Class the TV show from the mid 80s with Howard Hesseman as the teacher of a class of gifted nerd-os? Yeah that got a remake that I just learned of. Seriously I think they are doing it because it makes them laugh at how little choice we have but to watch the same thing just without any of the charm. Hell I miss when they’d put some effort into reboots and remakes. At least say The Addams Family or The Brady Bunch Movie were fun to watch. I also learned that they are remaking Escape to Witch Mountain for the like fourth time I think! You need to give it up Disney! They already escaped! SEVERAL TIMES!

It’s hard to pick a #5 spot for a list like this. Like what is the least worst. So I decided to go with the first choice I remember really bumming me out. Bewitched ended with a repeat of a plot from earlier on in the series. I can’t give them that much grief for that in the end because there’s only so many stories you can tell and the show went on for like eight or nine seasons. It was a popular show. They really should have just ended it at season five with the original Darrin because the second guy really was terrible. That actor I never liked. I don’t even care enough to look up his name even though I know its somewhere in the recess of my brain. He acted like he barely had a pulse in anything. I do not like seeing him pop up in films and TV. a repeat plot really shows your show should end and it ending on a repeat plot with a worse actor gets this the #5 spot!

4. Spider-Man (1967)

Think of this as a place for ALL of the Clip Shows (except Webster because it’s so fucking weird) but I think I will choose this because I believe after writing that article I found out that the clips of the kid and Spider-Man on the train were from another episode. They pretty much had the Final Episode be no new clips. I know the show was on its last legs and hell even the company was on its last legs too I believe but I cannot be nice about it. Letting the first Spider-Man show end on that note is DEPRESSINGLY AWFUL. Seriously. What the hell? This doesn’t give any other show that ended on clip shows a pass. I know they did it for cheapness reasons. Yeah it was different before you could watch any TV show you wanted via the internet but I’m pretty sure people of today would have liked it more if a show from the past they really got invested into had a better ending than that.

I’m gonna bitch about it now because when I think about it now it kind of annoys me more and more. Boy Meets World ending was a two parter with like 82 clips that pad the run time. You know why that’s sad. They could have had taken out the clips and the episode would have been one of the best. The non-clip stuff is heart felt and well done. It ends with this very passionate speech by William Daniels as Mr. Feeny. Talking about the new life the cast will have in New York City (I believe. I don’t care enough to look it up) It’s really sad that a nice ending was ruined by just jamming old clips in. Clip shows suck.

3. Clutch Cargo

Yeah, I won’t be going over a paragraph on this one. Clutch Cargo is the cheapest piece of shit animation I’ve ever seen. Yeah the guy who stands up for Filmmation and Hanna Barbera is telling you this. I’m the guy who picks up for those guys even when they were at their worst. The thing is they at least had charm and entertainment value. They had cartoons with likable characters. They had cartoons that didn’t have a fucking weird ass human mouths coming out of them when they spoke. That was the fucking worst thing. This show was boring, ugly not amusing in the slightest and I don’t care if it was made in 1959 or 2009 it was fucking shit on a sidewalk that someone should have cleaned up quicker than they fucking did. Fuck Clutch Cargo.

2. Sabrina the Teenage Witch

This one is one I do not know why I let go so easily when I first reviewed it. I’m guessing I was sleep deprived and hungry and very tired when I blasted out probably a few thousand words about nonsense and then a thousand words about the actual Final Episode. Anyway it’s actually kind of amazing going back and looking at it because I just called it meh. I was reminded of the Final Episode recently and was kinda grossed out about it. You see this episode ends with Sabrina leaving her groom at the wedding to be with Harvey. That’s not a nice way to end things. I’m not thinking OH HEY THE TWO PEOPLE ARE HAPPY. I’m thinking of the mother fucker who wanted to get married. It’s fucked up the more I think about it and I have to put this here.

Honorable Mentions LIGHTING ROUND!

Transformers: Possibly the best 1980s cartoon besides the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ends on a thrown together mess. Like the story was originally five parts and was written as five parts and they had to jam it into THREE parts when they ran out of money. It also has the Headmasters which is still my least favorite part of the Transformers period and yes I’m including the Michael Bay movies in that as well.

Casper the Friendly Ghost: The worst fucking cartoon character of the Golden Age of Animation. Fuck this garbage shit so hard.

Veronica’s Closet: I think you should literally read my original review of this because I think the amount of venom I piss out of my dick onto this shows face is kind of amazing. I was not in a good mood that day and that episode didn’t help!

Donald Duck: the Final Donald Duck cartoon of the Golden Age was about how to plan a Family. Fuck that shit.

The Real Ghostbusters: the best example of a company fucking with something that was already more popular to make it even more popular. The episodes made after Q5 came in and fucked everything up literally make me ashamed to enjoy anything.

Mama’s Family: it’s fucking Mama’s Family. Do I have to say more?

Charles In Charge: Scott Baio is the worst star of any tv show. Ever. Even Tim and Eric are above him.

Monster By Mistake: About as good as a kick to the head

And now! The worst of them all is…

1.) The New Adventures of He-Man

When I think of the shows I’ve done I think this is the one that annoyed me the most. Everything else at least had one positive point. For example in the Honorable Mentions category I mentioned Charles in Charge. Willie Aames acts his goofy little heart out. It’s not enough to make me ever watch any more Charles in Charge but I still remember him doing his thing. Clutch Cargo gave a job to some very talented comic book artists (whos work went to creating garbage but at least they still got paid!) the Casper movie at least entertained my sister. Monster by Mistake at least entertained my cousin. The other shows at least ENTERTAINED me at one point. The New Adventures of He-Man was dumb garbage from day one. I know because I also watched the first episode.

It was a very sad final Cash grab for the original era of He-Man. they didn’t really do anything between the failure of the movie by Cannon Pictures (which is great I don’t care) and you’re thinking oh they gave up because it would be sad to try again. Nope, in 1990 they bust out with this heap of crap that literally feels like an entirely different cartoon that had He-Man and Skeletor jammed into it. It was a drab cartoon that just felt like an afterthought for every one. The Mattel people. The Writers. the people who worked at Jetlag, the animation company were the only ones who put some effort in and since I’m being a complainy internet loser the animation is still not as fun or charming as the original stuff. That’s why I gotta put this here at the first spot because it was a bad Final Episode of a bad show that had no really redeeming qualities. It’s not like the animation was so good that you’d watch it just for that. No it was a bad Final Episode of a bad show that literally pissed on the face of something that was at least fun and enjoyable even if a silly way. That’s why I gave it the top spot.

FINAL VERDICT: This was fun. I need to come back to this in like another 100 episodes to bitch again. Hell I might even talk about the 5 best Final Episodes! Who knows?