TV You Forgot About #7: The Paul Lynde Halloween Special (1976)

 

Of all the old timey pre-1980 film stars I kinda feel bad for Paul Lynde. The dude was hilarious and memorable in like every role he could get, yet could never get the big role. He was always the guest star. He always wanted the big roles and probably would be flabbergasted that people are still talking about him these days. The man was bigger than life and it was hard to believe for me that he was only in 11 episodes of Bewitched. Like seriously? You'd have thought that he was in like half the episodes! Still he got a weird Halloween special and really did you expect me to not talk about this during the Very First and Very Best Halloween Spooky Spectacular For Cool Kids and Cool Adults... fat chance!

So this special has some interesting backstory at least for me. ABC got Paul into a contract for a television series, The Paul Lynde Show which well was a one season failure. I have no idea about the actual shows quality but it didn't get the ratings they wanted. Then came ANOTHER show from ABC, a show called Temperatures Rising. It also flopped. So they did what they could and put him on a bunch of specials with Donny and Marie Osmond, who have always creeped me the hell out. I do not know why. After those variety show specials they gave Paul his very own! Now wasn't that interesting?!

So they packed this puppy fulla stars of the time. You had the mom from the Brady Bunch. Billy Barty the famous little person actor of the time. He was even in the He-Man movie! the Wicked Witch of Oz, Margaret Hamilton shows up. Betty White! Everyone loves Betty White, even grouchy incorrect assholes like portnoyd. To top this cast all off, those wild rascals known as Kiss even got to play their first live tv gig on this special! Now that's some good watching!

The special starts out with Paul Lynde dressed up as Santa. Margaret Hamilton comes in and is all sassy and old and is like "It ain't Christmas!" Then he dresses up as a giant Easter bunny. She tells him it ain't Easter either. He then tries Valentine's Day. She tells him it's not that either, he then lists off a bunch of holidays and tells her to smile if he gets close. She then gives him a hint about goblins and ghouls and he says "That sounds like Hollywood Squares!"   She then tells him that he knows what day it is and he goes Happy Halloween...woo.. I don't think Paul's really into the holiday spirit! He then goes into a monologue which has the best fat joke I've heard in a while "It's easy to love Halloween when you're the size of a Pumpkin!" The monologue ends and he starts singing his song from Bye Bye Birdie. You know the one the Simpsons parodied in that episode with the SEX CAULDRON I THOUGHT THEY CLOSE THAT PLACE DOWN joke in it. Had I known it was from a movie with Paul Lynde I would have watched it years ago!

The song ends with him being placed in a trash can by Donny and Marie Osmond and they smile this creepy smile. Brrr. I do not like those two. They were a surprise guest that apparently ABC ruind the surprise by putting them in the ad materials. Do you know what a surprise is ABC? It ain't that. After that the fucking trash can explodes and we fade to black. Then when we come back its Paul Lynde and Margaret Hamilton driving around. They are going to Margaret's sisters house. She is played by someone from one of those crazy ass shows by Sid and Marty Kraft. She turns out to be a witch and this is probably the third and last time Margaret Hamilton plays the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. She also played it on Sesame Street a year earlier. Someone will probably be like UM NO SHE PLAYED IT IN SOME OBSCURE THING FROM 1957 HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW. Anyway this is a fun bit that even involves Miss Halloween 1976, Betty White herself. Personally Betty White is not very scary and should not be Miss Halloween 1976. 

They say they will give him three wishes if he joins the witches union and helps them get a better rap. I guess just talk about how cool they are on Hollywood Squares or some shit. His first wish is to become a trucker. With the gaudiest most ridiculous costume of all time. Like look at that thing. I love it more than I thought I could ever love something. I want to go as Rhinestone Trucker Paul Lynde one Halloween. It looks like so much fun. He and another trucker, played by Tim Conway! find out they are both set to be married to the same woman. Said woman is Fonzie's Girlfriend! Yep, the lady from the hit 1980 horror film New Years Evil has decided to marry both men. Paul Lynde in a frenzied rage of needing to marry this woman crashes through the damn wall of Billy Barty's resturant. Billy Barty shows his Incredible Hulk like strength to push the truck out of the resturant. Little known fact is that Billy Barty was in fact going to be the first live action Incredible Hulk but they chickened out and went with Lou Ferringo.  Tim Conway and Paul Lynde end up arm wrestling with each other for the love of Fonzie's Girlfriend. I didn't think I'd ever get to write a sentence that weird. Actually sadly they don't do the arm wrestling they just do a test of strength. Of course the Strongest Man Who Ever Lived, Billy Barty proves to be the strength. Tim Conway then says he's the smartest he knows all the numbers AND colors. Paul Lynde wins in the end by saying he's the richest. We don't get to see Tim Conway arm wrestle but WE do get to see him sing with Paul and Pinky! Now that's how you end a comedy sketch.

Then we get another silly bit involving Paul and the Witches which (say that five times fast) leads into one of the performances by Kiss. I like Kiss. They play Detroit Rock City and it kicks ass. Then it's back to Paul and the Witches playing monopoly which leads into our second comedy sketch! Where Paul is a sheik! Who is trying to seduce the Mom from the Brady Bunch! She ends up getting into it which makes me thing that she was really into gay men seeing as Robert Reed the dad from the Brady Bunch also liked to kiss dudes. Paul comes back to the witches again and decides to do something nice for them. They want to go to A Hollywood Disco and they turn it into a cool ass Halloween Hollywood Disco! They introduce Florence Henderson who does a pretty great little song and then Kiss comes back for another song this time Beth the monster hit! The song ends and then Paul makes some corny jokes about Kiss that yes I laughed at ("My dream came true! Four kisses on the first date") he asks Margaret Hamilton for one final wish and it's for Kiss to play one last song. Kiss plays one last song and then everyone starts to dance to a song called Disco Baby. Billy Barty has some kickass dancing moves. Paul Lynde gives us a nice closing monologue and this variety special ends.

FINAL VERDICT: This special has considered by so many people as bad and I don't get it. This entrie thing was very delightful with a lot of great music, fun comedy sketches and that rascal Paul Lynde. If he somehow still exists out there in the cosmos I hope he knows we like trying to pull off his voice. He's up there with Peter Lorre, Vincent Price and Bill Cosby. I think that's a great legacy to have honestly!