NES Game Reviews #37: Not so Fantastic Family Feud's in F-117A's. Woo.

 

So it's time yet again for the NES Game Reviews, where I review six NES games and then yell at portnoyd for saying some dumb piece of GARBAGE was actually good. I will do something different than usual as not complain about the main photo for the post. I think I finally got it, I can just use a great comic ad for one of the games within the post. For whatever reason I picked F-117A Stealth for the AD. They had a lot of great game ads back in the day and uh, this isn't one of them. I don't know if you are supposed to actually be able to see anything in the  dark sky or if it's just my dirty ass computer screen. It's very slim pickings for this group of games, we will see if I can do anything with any of these.

This was the first time I played this game, however I will make the argument that if you have played any Top Gun style NES shooter type game you've played them all. You can do a barrel roll and then you either wait forever for guys to come by and shoot your down because it's too hard to shoot them OR you get overwhelmed by like 30 guys at once. Seriously I don't like these games when they are at their best (like say I dunno After Burner) so this cheaper, uglier and shittier controlly version of After Burner really has no chance. Like even if you LOVE After Burner, I'd say go find After Burner II or the arcade version of After Burner. There's no reason to ever play this version. Hell I might say this could be the worst Top Gun style shooter for the NES. 

This game is incredibly jittery. I almost got sick playing the first level. The first level is Top Gun like and then you get 1943 like levels. This game is very slow, ugly and boring. They have okay enough graphics when they aren't being jittery and annoying. I don't even remember the music and I do not care enough to start the emulator up again and I just played this version. I'm really sorry for this post within this series but when you are given lemon after lemon you can try to make lemonade or you can just complain. I choose to complain. So yeah, you can literally not shoot any enemies in the first level if you don't wanna. It's not fun and I don't like it. 

When looking for an image of the box cover which is terribly uninteresting. Like at least the other two above games had nicer looking art. This was just thrown together art, clearly at the last second. I get the feeling they were like FUCK STEVE THE GAME GOES OUT TO BE SOLD IN LIKE 20 MINTUES MAKE SOME SHIT IN MS PAINT FOR US and Steve gave us this. It's strange how this games art is the only one to have action in it yet it's really less interesting than the other ones. Anyway, back to my pointless little story. I found someone selling this game on ebay for almost 2 grand because it was sealed. A part of me hates this person (because they had this game GRADED.) but I also kinda feel bad for them. Just imagine finding a sealed NES game in this day and age and then finding out that no, it isn't Mario 3, or Little Samson, or Bucky O Hare or Startropics or anything. It's not connected to ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY POPULAR OR INTERESTING. Like pick any NES game and it would have more interesting "WOW" Factor. Like I would not even pick up this game sealed, but I gotta admire the spunk someone has to literally buy a copy and then try to resell it. Every NES game is someone's favorite but this one. I don't even believe anyone ever played this game and it pleases me to be the first.  And it fucking sucks. I will literally find and shit in the mouth of whoever buys this game sealed. Seriously just go to the first homeless person you see and give them 2 grand. You do not deserve to have money if you waste it on this.

Is this the first Game Show game I've talked about here? I think so. The only person I ever knew who had a crazy love of Game Shows was a giant weirdo who I did not like. I think portnoyd knows who I am talking about here. I do not know if I somehow talked about a game show game before this one so here is Family Feud it is based on a game show that is OK,I guess. I've never been a big game show guy. I mean I was into Who Wants to be a Millionaire and The Weakest Link way back when (can you believe that was 25 years ago now?) Those were actually pretty exicting and it was fun to watch with my family. I mean I also think Jeopardy is pretty alright too and I actually kind of enjoy those games. This game was made during the time when Ray Combs was on the show (I have never seen an episode of his Family Feud and I still know when he was on the show. What information my brain keeps within it is a wonder and a curse) but he does the kissing thing Richard Dawson did. Was Ray Combs into also kissing ladies when he could? Anyway you are given a question that was asked to 100 people and try to find the answer most people guessed, and this game does that well. I just never really thought Family Feud was all that interesting as a tv show or a game. I do like the way the family members in this game look though. So goofy. Anyway uh, I guess I will say this is a good game if you care about the show in any way but the Jeopardy games are still the best.

I think the Dizzy games are kinda interesting. A weird mix of platformer and point and click kinda thing. You go find one random item that you need to use to open a door or move a elevator or shoot at a plant. I just think this game is just too big. I beat Dizzy the Adventurer today and I think that's the perfect legnth for a game of this size. You can easily remember what to do with each item and be done with the game in 30 minutes. This game according to YouTube videos can be beaten in 1 hour and 30 minutes. You know there's like twice the amount of items to remember what to do with and that's just annoying. Also only getting to hold 3 items is kind of a pain in the ass. I'm sure you could have made an entire menu to put items in at this point in the NES' life cycle. I'm sure they had games with actual menus where you could store tons of shit in by this point. Anyway, I don't hate this game but I do think Dizzy the Adventurer is better. Sometimes bigger is not always better. Portnoyd will yell at the Oliver Twins and Dizzy and probably forget about the three better games to yell at above.

I think the Dizzy games are kinda interesting. A weird mix of platformer and point and click kinda thing. You go find one random item that you need to use to open a door or move a elevator or shoot at a plant. I just think this game is just too big. I beat Dizzy the Adventurer today and I think that's the perfect legnth for a game of this size. You can easily remember what to do with each item and be done with the game in 30 minutes. This game according to YouTube videos can be beaten in 1 hour and 30 minutes. You know there's like twice the amount of items to remember what to do with and that's just annoying. Also only getting to hold 3 items is kind of a pain in the ass. I'm sure you could have made an entire menu to put items in at this point in the NES' life cycle. I'm sure they had games with actual menus where you could store tons of shit in by this point. Anyway, I don't hate this game but I do think Dizzy the Adventurer is better. Sometimes bigger is not always better. Portnoyd will yell at the Oliver Twins and Dizzy and probably forget about the three better games to yell at above. Oh and before you complain about me just copy/pasting the review, Portnoyd is like REVIEW ALL THE GAMES BOY and this game is literally the same as the above game except I think you can get more stars with this version. Woooooooo Just shit my pants thinking about how exiting that is!

Hopefully I won't get saddled with a set of games like this any time soon. Holy hell, it was hard to find anything to say about those first three games. Thankfully the next six games are games I'll have much more to say about.

GOOD GAMES: 101

BAD GAMES: 80

OKAY GAMES: 28

GAMES YOU MIGHT LIKE IF YOU AREN'T AN IMPATIENT BABY-MAN: 3