Comic Review #93: Jughead’s Double Digest #1 (1989)

 

Well, It’s time to get back to the good stuff. Which is the stuff I started this blog with. I brought back the Final Episode, where I go over the Final Episode of some television show that started before the year, I dunno, 2002. That’s kinda when I stopped caring about a lot of new things. I like the past. It’s a warm comforting blanket. Anyway, I bring bad news… You see a thing from the PAST is seeming to come to some kind of end. They are now no longer selling Archie Digests. Yes, a 50 year old institution is coming to an end mostly because children today only enjoy Minecraft. A friend brought up a interesting thought today. Do children even have shared experiences anymore? Like I’m sure anyone over the age of 35 bought or had a Archie’s digest bought for them. It doesn’t matter what you think of Archie comics but I’m sure you read some of them before.

Personally, I like Archie. There’s something charming and fun about something being so squeaky clean wholesome in this society of ours. One that feels like it’s crumbling around all over the place. One that I don’t even know how to function in. Uh, I guess that’s too much information and also depressing thoughts for a review over Archie. It’s just that this world is weird and distressing and not like it was even twenty years ago. Uh, okay back to Archie. I chose Jughead’s Double Digest #1 because I felt like talking about a #1 issue because why not and also because Jughead is the best Archie comics character. I do not care what you think of Archie overall but Jughead fucking rules. The man does not give a shit about this teenage life but he sure as hell gives a shit about a hamburger. It’s kinda beautiful really. I’m not going to talk about every single story in this two hundred and fifty six page comic book. Just the ones that I was entertained by the most.

The first story involves Big Ethel. You know the giant goofy looking woman with the buck tooth who has the hots for Jughead, the man who cares not for any kind of sexual touch but just wants to eat hamburgers? Yes. This time she actually gets a date with him because……She’s dressed up as a Hot Dog! That’s right! However when the date comes she’s dressed up as someone else and Jughead is his normal “eh whatever” self. Until she then gets the Hot Dog costume and Jughead becomes horny as shit! They have a great time until it’s tomorrow when Jughead is like NO MORE DATES WITH THAT WOMAN until she comes out dressed as a BURGER! It’s corny, it’s cheesy but it’s a fun five page story and I love how Jughead is drawn running to Big Ethel in the end like a crazed maniac.

I think I now know the reason I hate the Flintstones. It’s because Fred Flintstone is such an asshole that he won’t give his fucking friend any of his cheap SHITTY STUPID GARBAGE cereal. Like the poor bastard has to pretend to be a woman or a priest or a dog or whatever just to get some. You call this man your best friend, Give him some fucking cereal you amazing jackoff. I’d give portnoyd some cereal and he’s a damn jerk! Anyway on to story #2: This is a simple story where Betty just comes out and asks Jughead why he hates girls and he’s like I just don’t like what they do to my best friend and we see Archie going gaga over Veronica. He wants to find a way to lure her away form Archie and Betty goes “how about using her because her favortie thing is herself” It really is true. Archie should go with Betty because Veronica is a shitty little hobgoblin. He talks about how there’s a club that no one can get into! No matter who they are! Which annoys Veronica so much that she goes to this club! Insulting Archie before doing so! Betty thinks she’ll get the date but does not because Archie now hates women apparently. Jughead then says she can’t get into the club because it’s not open yet! Hilarious. Veronica is a bitch.

Story #3 involves Jughead getting a job! As an Ice Cream salesman! Of course this Job is not one Jughead should keep for very long! He’s surly and rude to the customers and even drives away from them. He causes a giant crowd to form and it even gets on the news. He’s talking about how he’s going to fight anyone who wants ANY ice cream from him. They will get the ice cream out of his cold dead hands. Somehow the people love him and that gets him a bigger job at the ice cream factory which is now making more money by being jerks to customers. They ended up firing Jughead because he couldn’t stop smiling after seeing his first paycheck! I laughed for a minute at the panel of one guy having an ice cream after getting his ass kicked by Jughead. It’s just so goofy I couldn’t help myself.

Also this JUGHEAD DOUBLE DIGEST has too many ARCHIE and BETTY AND VERONICA stories in it. I made my mom put down two dollars for Jughead and Jughead only! I WANT JUGHEAD STORIES YOU FREAKS!!!! Anyway Story #4 and the last one I’m going to talk about has one of my favorite Archie characters. Moose. Moose is just a giant moron who loves Midge. However Midge thinks Moose is uncouth, a slob and a brute who’s too violent. Moose comes ot Jughead and tries to get him to help and Jugheads like nah until Moose mentions DINNER and this is how Moose and Jughead go out on a date. Archie and Reggie find out and are FREAKED OUT by the news. They run across Midge who finds out and then goes to them and literally goes like “I could take it if it was Betty or Veronica but NO ONE DUMPS ME FOR THIS” pointing at Jughead. Oh and then she beats the piss outta Moose. Wild.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I had a lot of fun reading these and it’s made me want to delve into the weirder Archie comics that they’ve put out so expect to see stuff like that around here sometimes maybe. Anyway I didn’t know where to put this but whenever I think of Archie I think of that scene from the Simpsons “Duhhh, Stay outta Riverdale”. I think Archie’s entire existence is worth that joke from the Simpsons!

The Final Episode #122: Quack Pack (1996)

 

Wow, now isn’t this a blast from the past….the past of almost two years ago. Yes. The last one of these I wrote was on Aladdin and I just stopped. I mean I would stop and start with this blog but as you can see from the number up there I wrote 121 of these things previously. I had blogs and websites that I wrote like 5 things for and gave up on. I mean these posts are thrown together nonsense for the most part but they are better put together thrown together nonsense that I used to write. Maybe by the time I turn 65 I’ll finally have written something that I could be proud of for more than 5 minutes.

So, I’m back to the blog stuff again. Hope to start reviewing and discussing things again. Just to keep myself from watching stupid conservative youtubers and twitter shit because I hate myself and want to keep myself angry so I read people getting angry over the dumbest shit. So I’ve decided to do what was actually fun about the internet in these days. Spend way too many words talking about an old tv show or movie or comic book and yelling at portnoyd for just shitting up my comments section with his FILTHY INCORRECTNESS.

So I come back with I believe, the second to last Disney Afternoon show I have to discuss, Quack Pack a not very good piece of animation from Disney. I know of this show and I honestly am not sure if I had ever seen an entire episode. I just saw COOL 1990S DUDE VERSIONS of Huey Dewey and Louie and even at eleven years old I was able to go “wow this is a messy pile of shit” and go do something else. Which was probably play Super Nintendo. So like when this happens I tend to review two episodes instead of one and not really being sure if I ever watched this show I watched two episodes of this show.

Before I get into the review, I want to do some history because I just fucking feel like it, ok? It’s my fucking blog and I can do what the hell I want with it. Anyway the character of Donald Duck was created ninety-one years ago in 1934. He became very popular very quickly. Carl Barks and Al Taliaferro. IMDb even gives Al Taliaferro credit for helping write these episodes even though he died in 1969! the characters would end up showing up in cartoons until 1967. They would return in 1983 for a Christmas special and 1987 for Disney’s third television cartoon DuckTales. I have talked about the Final Episode of DuckTales and it’s quite good.

The first episode we will be talking about today is the second to last episode. It was just easier to do it that way. It’s called Stunt Double or Nothing. It involves a new character who’s name I forget. Kent something. He’s a part of this series. Daisy Duck and Donald Duck work for him. He’s an egotistical blowhard who finds out that people like Daisy Duck more because she’s willing to do crazy shit t oget a story. Like get right up in the face of Gorillas and all kinds of shit. They bet that Kent could never do this and then he gets this Gorilla that was in Daisy’s newscast to uh pretend to be him. Yeah, the Gorilla is a big dummy and likes bananas. So this somehow doesn’t work for Kent and you could easily see that it was a Gorilla in one scene. Hubert, Dewford and Llewellyn Duck show up and erase the tape accidently. Oh no!

They did redo the tape because they think they have fucked up and will end up getting Daisy and Donald fired. So they start fighting with Gorillas and flying around a Volcano. Yeah. So they fix it all up just to get Daisy and Donald fired and then they find out Kent faked the shit. They then fix up a bunch of stunts that will make Kent look foolish on TV. Daisy and Donald get their jobs back and you can easily tell where I just gave up and stopped caring about writing about this episode. This was the episode that was trying to be funny and it wasn’t. Sorry.

Now we finally get into the Final Episode, Feats of Clay… just like the Batman: The Animated Series episode which was about forty times better than this one. This is a very bad episode. I very much did not enjoy it. I’ll get into why after I recap the whole thing for you. It starts with Huey getting horny as shit for an Asian girl as they are somewhere in the far east today. the Mysterious far east as Daisy Duck said. Some youtuber would probably spend 10 minutes going on about how that was an outdated stereotype and I’d be like yeah you’re talking about something that’s almost thirty fucking years old my man. It happens a lot in old media. Anyway after annoying her enough that she starts talking to him (yeah what?) she gives him a marble and says “Nothing is what it seems!!!” Oh man. I wonder what that means (it means she’s the bad guy of this episode OH WOW)

Louie and Dewey annoy him and they all end up at an archaeological dig of some old clay statues. Also Huey is badmouthing archaeologists and WHOA the girl is also one of them! a junior archaeologist or some shit. I don’t know what they said exactly and I’m not re-watching the episode to find out. So eat shit. So they are recording clay statues and other treasure shit in something that really does not look like an actual dig. It’s just a bunch of stuff in a warehouse. I mean they are antiques but they are in a warehouse. Huey learns that they will leave after taping this stuff so he ruins the tape. Huey does this because he wants to hug and kiss the Asian girl. I do not remember her name. So they go to the museum where they move all of the stuff to. I guess they are just showing off a Asian museum now not an archaeological dig. I don’t know. I don’t care.

The clay statues come to life and scare the shit out of Huey! Oh no! Huey then meets up with The Asian Girl and woah she tells him Mr Woo is a bad guy and Huey just believes her. He then follows a clay statue man to Mr Woo just to find out that the Asian Girl is a bad guy!!! OH MAN!!! WHAT A SHOCK!!!!! It’s not actually a shock. Uh, where was I? oh yeah. They fight the clay statues and then Huey has to fight a dragon that was once a place to sit. Woo. You can clearly tell I’ve given up and am using the last fuck I have to finish this post. The Asian Girl is arrested after the crown she was wearing was destroyed and she lost the fight. I do not know why she didn’t just run off with the giant amount of treasure she already had but she just HAD to do something with Mr. Woo. A reason the episode never actually gives. Yep.

I can’t give a full review of the entire show but I can say this show is not something I want to return to. I will give three reasons why: 1.) I do not like the 1990s-ification of Huey, Dewey and Louie. It was like they looked at the success of Goof Troop and was like do that again. Except they forget to make them charcters instead of just WOO IN YOUR FACE 1990S DUDES MAN WOOOAH. I mean yeah Max could be a in your face 1990s dude but he still had some character beside that. It just feels very lazy and forced in this show.

2.) This show does not know what it wants to be. The two episodes I watched feel like they were from two different shows. One show that wants to be a comedy goof off (and isn’t good at it) and the other was from another show that wanted to be an action adventure show (and isn’t good at it).

3.) It’s really boring. I get the feeling from this show that the writers just didn’t care. Like with writing you get jobs that you are like “Holy hell I get to write for this show YES!” and other shows you’re like “oh shit this is about as fun as a detention assignment from Mr. Collins”. This is the Mr. Collins job.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I think you can tell what I thought about all this without me giving you yet another paragraph. This is probably going to be on the bottom 5 of Final Episodes thats for sure.