Movie Review #75: Witchcraft (1988)

 

Well when you bring something back, you gotta bring it back with a BANG! So I decided that today I would watch the second longest running horror series of all time. Witchcraft is that series. 16 whopping sequels. These direct to video witches and warlocks beat the shit out of Jason, and Freddy, and Chucky and Pinhead and Michael Myers and all. The longest series is Amityville and I don't really like giving that to them because you can easily just put Amityville on any movie because its not copywritten. I could literally make Amityville Pot Smokers and have it not even take place in Amityville and just have it be a stupid pod smoker movie instead of a haunted house. I think Amityville shouldn't count. I like the days when WitchCraft was the #1 spot holder!

Well this series has always had a weird place within horror communities across the internet. Never positive from the people who had seen a few of them. No one really trying to see them all. Always the punch line. I think I saw one of these movies but I have no fucking clue which one of them it was. Just that it had a whole lot of naked ladies. You see Witchcraft may be considered horror but really it should be be called soft core pornography.  The horror stuff is like maybe 15 minutes and the rest of the run time is boobies. You know the movies you would rent as a hornball 13 year old. They really have no place within a time where most everyone can get on the internet and look at naked women. doing some wild ass shit, but somehow they came out into the late 2010s. I'm too lazy to look up but I'm pretty sure they got to 2016 or 2017 which is way too into the high speed internet era for soft core porno horror movies.

I don't know when I first came across these movies. Maybe it was in the movie store where I would pass them by because I wanted the cooler looking movies. Maybe it was on the internet forum Joblo where I learned about every stupid horror movie I could and made a list of horror movies to watch that I'm still going through now in 20fucking23. It was a lot of fucking movies. I don't think I'll ever watch them all. It didn't help that I found movies from other genres too. Too many movies, so little time. Anyway I'm sure I could have picked better movies than this one but I said to my friend COUNT CHOCULA that I will watch all of them. I also think I said I'd watch all Amityville Horror movies too so get ready to see reviews of them. I was thinking about bringing back the blog so I figured reviews of Witchcraft movies would really bring in the views! All of them! I am the real winner here! I WILL BE THE KING OF THE INTERNET AFTER THIS!

So uh here is where I'd talk about the actors and what they did before and after this but none of them were ever in anything even remotely interesting (and when even I'm not remotely interested in something you know it's gotta be a huge smelly pile of bird poop. Bird poop is really gross. it's white and stuff. Something about that really skeeves me out.) The only thing I can say is that the director of this movie also directed Leprechaun in the Hood. I wish I was talking about Leprechaun in the Hood instead of this movie. So whats the plot of this movie. Uh some satanic witches get brought back from the dead and one of them marries a woman so that they can turn her son into a Satanic man lover or some shit. I don't know. There's not much plot here. Or nudity. Yeah the first movie is apparently the only one which wasn't horny as shit. Strange.

This movie was incredibly boring and full of boring actors, however I actually did like a few things.  Uh two scenes made me laugh and one scene has a secret passageway. I fucking love secret passageways to a extreme insane manner and I will always love seeing one in a movie, even a shitty one like this. What actually kept me awake during this movie were two of the actors. One was the main lady Grace and the other one was her slightly goofy friend Linda. I really liked these two. They felt like they were really friends. Grace is from Poland and lives in America. Linda is just an late 80s babe. The greatest kind of babe. Do people even use the term babe anymore? 

I was legitimately hoping that Linda would turn out to be a good witch and they would have a cheap effects battle. None of that happens. The mute tall guy who shows up for like two scenes and then comes back at the end to STEAL WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LINDAS by killing the two witches with a knife. I wanted some fucking shitty electrical shit flying out of their hands and that doesn't happen. How the fuck do you make a movie so cheap and shitty that you can't even do THAT? I want that kinda shit.

This movie took the one part of it that I was enjoying and literally shoved it up it's asshole. Fuck Witchcraft. I do not look forward to the next 15 fucking movies.

Video Game Review #1: Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure (1991)

 

Yes, I know you expected me to update this again sometime in 2022 but I took another swerve and didn't do anything until 2023. I don't even know why because I was ansted (not a word but I don't care.) up to talk about dumb shit again. I'm pretty sure I went back to twitter around this time and that is a bad thing that I should not have done. I should have at least talked to no one but sometimes portnoyd and joust. Portnoyd's comments were all LOL CLAW IS WRONG and that joke should have died in like 2018 but portnoyd doesn't think that horse is dead enough apparently. Still that joke is better than fucking twitter. So because I want to yell about this game and no one on twitter cares about it I am finally bringing back the blog! 

So we start out this hopefully fun endeavour with a review of a licensed game from the NES era. I think Licensed games from this era get a bad rap and a lot of the ones that are considered bad are actually good but no I wouldn't talk about anything good for a first post no I gotta dig into the NES' dirty asshole and pull out one of the smelliest turds the console ever put out. Bill and Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure. I think that's the full title. I'm not going to check because fuck this game in it's ass hole. You should know that if you are reading a goofy nostalgia blog like this in the year of our lord 2023, especially one as bad as this who Bill and Ted are. They starred in three rather enjoyable movies that I love. Yes Bill and Ted were so cool that unlike the majority of things that were brought back between 2018 and 2053 (they won't stop until it is all brought back so get ready for Drexell's Class: The Return!) 

I don't know when I first encountered Mr. Preston and Mr. Logan but I do remember my classmate making fun of me when I tried to do an air guitar. Yes I'm that awkward at things, but me and that classmate got along and liked each other. I miss him. I even miss the other classmates that didn't seem to like me that much. It's a shame that he didn't live past twenty years old. It's also a shame that he has to be mentioned in this blog. I will let him punch me right in the face when I enter heaven for that horrible crime. 

I figure I should start out with the positives and I'll say that the graphics are pretty good. Like the houses and backgrounds and characters and all of that look very well done for the NES. the only problem with that is that no one has any facial features on their face. It's very weird and I am not a fan. I can't be very positive about the music because it's not really good and sometimes just isn't even playing because this game was rushed out after the second movie to make some dough when Bill and Ted somehow had a live action show AND a cartoon. What a world we lived in. Nothing today can top that!

Now for all the negatives, the really shitty negatives. I'm gonna work my way up from least annoying to most annoying. First off the stupid fucking mini game you have to play to get INTO the levels is fucking horse shit of the highest degree. HIGHEST FUCKING DEGREE. you hit a skeleton, you lose a coin, you move on to the next thing you lose TWO coins. You either have  to hope you hit it at the right time to get into a farther off number or you just lose coins. You get 30 coins and you can bet your ass you end up losing more than you'd expect. Or maybe I'm just really bad at this mini game, either way it sucks shit and I hate it so much.

The second thing is the fucking guys who chase you and take you to jail and you have to use one of these keys to get out. They aren't so bad at the beginning but holy shit they jam pack those fuckers into the final few stages. It gets to the point to where you need to  fucking pray to God that you'll find the historical bait the first time you jump on something AND find the house the historical figure is in and there is no way that happens. It is a one in one zillion billion million trillion chance that both happen so enjoy losing the keys and yelling at the game.

Those two problems are awful don't get me wrong and if they were still there the game would only be able to get a paltry two and a half stars out of five meaning it would be still nothing more than a game you play when you've played everything else but no here is the reason this game gets nothing. This is a zero star game for sure. No you see there are trees and bushes and all kinds of things that you have to JUMP on to get a historical bait item for the historical person to end up showing up in one of the houses, and they didn't bother to let you know which four points you'll have to jump on (or if you get lucky just one) are. Not changing a bush to red or something to make you go OH THATS WHAT I GOTTA JUMP ON. nope, just pointless jumping on everything and everything looks the same so you'll end up jumping ON EVERYTHING SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. You will have to use a youtube video to beat this game and that's not much fun either.  Just fix a few mistakes and I'd have no problem exploring the level, but the people at Rocket Science Productions or whatever their stupid name is (I didn't give them a paragraph on what other games they did becaues they did one other game before fucking off to who knows where... the slightly better Mutant Virus for the NES) 

This game is just not fun. That's the ending pargaraph. Or sentences. Or sentence fragments. Whatever you aren't my 3rd Grade Teacher so shut up about this shit.