Comic Review #72: Marville #2 (2002)

 

Yep. I had to come back to this mess of a story because I think it might end up being the worst comic story of all time. I was planning to review an issue of this series every 10 comic reviews or what not before I just said "eh I wanna talk about some goofy thing like NFL SuperPro instead", but I think it's finally time to get back to this series. There's also another series of issues that I plan to get back to too. We gotta hold our noses and fix this awful series. It makes you wanna cry. A whole lot of tears. So you might be asking yourself what is Marville. Well Marville is the story of Kal-AOL who comes back in time from the year 5002 to do something. He wants to be a superhero but he has no powers. It's supposedly a comedy and there are no jokes here. I am not hard to make laugh. I laughed at Suddenly Susan. 

This series also had a interesting behind the scenes thing. Bill Jemas was angry at Peter David's Captain Marvel for having too much back story and continuity and he said that they should have a writing contest. Bill was gonna show Peter how it really was done. You know who lost this little writing contest? It was Bill. This has been considered the worst comic book ever by so many people. So Bill got that. Peter David's work is still remembered fondly and hell he's one of the old guys that still gets work from Marvel Comics. Bill I don't know where the fuck he is but I hope he never shows up again in comics. 

So let's just get this shit over with by talking about this really bad comic book. It starts with Kal-AOL and his new friend Sandy. I don't know her actual name and I do not give a fucking shit either. Her name is Sandy now. Anyway Kal-AOL and Sandy are relaxing in a park talking about how Kal wants to be a hero. He then gives $100 to a man. Or tries too because Rush Limbaugh (who really really really does not look like Rush Limbaugh) tells him not to do it. He says that he shouldn't give that man any money. The man ends up being Peter David (LOL HES A DRUNKEN HOMELESS MAN LOLOLOLOLOLOL) but this gets Kal-AOL to go around giving people $100. Wooie.

So he gives $100 to one guy and then a Batman parody character pops out and then Iron Man and the Black Panther show up and then they start killing these people. Because they don't want poor people getting any money? I think I get that he's trying to show them as real life billionaires but like every other joke in this comic mini series it does not work. Oh and Iron Man almost says the N word before the Black Panther stops him. I'm not joking. Oh and then Rush Limbaugh comes by and uses his unknown until know Super powers to knock these guys out with his golden microphone. What shithole garbage.

I really don't want to talk much more about this thrown together not funny stupid shit ass garbage any longer so I'm going to quickly talk about the other dumb shit that happens in this comic. They help some cops take down a criminal that works for the Kingpin to get shit on him, Matt Murdock is written as totally uncaring Lawyer (when his actual superpower is being one of the few LAWYERS that care!) who just gets the guy out of jail. Spider-Man shows up. The Punisher shows up. They mess up a really easy joke. Oh they totally get into Kingpins office and now he's Spike Lee who now argues that black people can be criminals too. No I'm not joking about this shit either.

The issue finally ends with Kal-AOL parents who happen to be Jane Fonda and Ted Turner sending him back a time machine. What will happen? We will find out the next time I decide I want to get a headache from reading something this fucking bad.

FINAL VERDICT: This is garbage shit from a weasels asshole. I don't want to trash Mark Bright the artist because he's very good most of the time. He's just not good at drawing real people. None of the characters here look like the real people they are supposed to. It's very off putting when you see someone go HEY TED TURNER and you see a guy who barely maybe looks like Ted Turner. Bill Jemas was PRESIDENT of Marvel at this point. He could have found an artist whos strenghts are in this area but he clearly did not care. He just thought he was perfect and great and totally wonderful and could beat a guy who had been doing it at that point for almost two decades. Yeah we'll see how the next issues go but it will be a while. Portnoyd called Identity Crisis hot garbage, I just call it a bad story. THIS is hot fucking garbage.