Movie Review #36: Hook (1991)

 

This is gonna start out on a little bit of a rant, you know the usual rant I give about "culture warriors" against anything woke or what they see is woke or what YouTube dildos tell them is woke. You know the people who are mad at the fact Disney gave Kathleen Kennedy a job at doing Star Wars shit, or maybe it was George Lucas. I really don't know. My biggest problem with these people, despite the fact they yell and scream and harass and make shitty YouTube videos that I end up watching and COMPLAINING ABOUT BECAUSE IM A STUPID ASSHOLE is the fact that they don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Look at the perfect example of Kathleen Kennedy who has been a producer on the following things and this is going to be a long list here: E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, Poltergeist, Gremlins, The Goonies, Back to the Future (ALL THREE OF THEM), Young Sherlock Holmes, The Money Pit, An American Tail, Innerspace, batteries not included, Who Framed Motherfucking God damned Roger Fucking Rabbit?, The Land Before Time, Gremlins 2, Arachnophobia, Cape Fear, Curly Sue (shut up I liked this when I was a kid), Tiny Toon Adventures, Jurassic Park, Schindler's List, Congo (shut up I love this movie), Twister, Jurassic Park 2, Jurassic Park 3, Adventures of Tin Tin and todays movie Hook. She got the job because of her proven track record WITH BEING A PART OF ALL THOSE FUCKING MOVIES AND TV SHOWS ADN I DIDNT EVEN LIST ALL OF THE FUCKING MOVIES SHE'S BEEN A PART OF! That's my biggest complaint is the fact they don't get any fucking facts right and just blow shit out of their asshole about how she's the worst person on the fucking planet.

This brings me to another thing I decided to rewatch this movie because apparently Disney is being lazy and shitty again and going to make another Peter Pan, probably a remake that won't be as good as either the original animated Peter Pan or the movie I'm going to get too after I yell a little more. People please stop going to watch these remakes, PLEASE. I do not want to see the entirety of the past regurgitated in front of me. I do not want to see thrown together remakes of everything from Mister Ed to Ms. 45. I don't, please for the love of God go away from this. I mean at least try something that hasn't been beaten to death like Peter Pan. It's over. It's done. We do not need the 47th version of Peter Pan. It was done already well by Disney 60 years ago. I'm complaining because I know my dumb ass will end up watching these movies and being like "I should have done literally anything else with my time instead of this" of course it's not originality the YouTube and Twitter dickfuckers are yelling about its about how scary diversity is. Well they must have forgotten about this movie because The Lost Boys were already done diverse 30 years ago in this movie.

Now that I've gotten the dumb bitching out of the way let's discuss this movie, which I found utterly charming to rewatch. I do believe we had this on VHS but not an official VHS. One of those vhs you have with like 3 episodes of Mama's Family on it along with two movies. Like the you made sure every second of the tape was used to put something on it. I could be wrong on that but I do believe this was in our taped off TV VHS collection alongside other gems of cinema as The Sandlot and Child's Play 2 (which my dad taped off tv in the middle of the night and took out the commercials for us which I'm sure he loved doing. It was good then but now I kinda wish we had the commercials just so I could get nostalgic over silly shit). All I know is that until this rewatch all I remember is the ending fight where Captain Hook gets eaten by a Crocodile that they turned into a clock. It's a weird movie.

Anyway the plot of this movie is as follows, Peter Pan has grown up and become Peter Banning, a joyless man who cares more about work than his family. A family that he constantly disappoints. A family he constantly leaves to work over. He misses his sons baseball game and all kinds of stuff like that. They end up going over the Merry Old England to meet Granny Wendy (yes the Wendy from the old stories) and how her granddaughter Moira is what made Peter decide to leave Never Never Land in the first place. This is where Captain Hook decides to kidnap Peter's kids and then Tinkerbell comes and brings Peter Pan to neverland. It's up to Peter to become Peter Pan again and take down Captain Hook. He's got to learn how to fly and fight and crow again!

This is a movie where you can tell that every single actor within it is having a great time. Robin Williams is fantastic as an adult Peter Pan. He goes from a serious adult to a goofy child and it doesn't feel off. He's funny and entertaining and when he's sad over his kids you can feel it. It's one of his best performances. I will die on this hill. Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins as Captain Hook and Smee are literally no joke having the time of their lives playing these two. I will say that this is the BEST movie performance of Dustin Hoffman. You can shove The Graduate right up your asshole and sit on it. He is Captain Hook. The only other person to ever come close is whoever voiced him in the Disney movie from the 1950s. He and Bob Hoskins are having so much fun here that I wished they had a movie of their own. I could watch those two for days. I was going to make some dumb joke when I first started writing this about how bad Julia Roberts is as an actress when I realized that this is the only movie I've ever seen with her in it and she's pretty good as Tinkerbell. Plus getting up in her ass is boring now. We've done all the Julia Robert sucks jokes people. Let's find some other actor to yell at. The kids are all great too. 

FINAL VERDICT: If you have kids this is a really fun movie to show them. I know it might seem like a lot seeing as this movie is 2 hours and 21 minutes but it never feels boring. It's very well paced and you don't realize the movie is over until it is over. I highly recommend watching or rewatching this movie. It was an incredible amount of fun and we need no more Peter Pan movies because I don't think they can top this. Well done Stevie Spielberg!!!!!