Movie Review #23: Creepshow 3 (2006)

 

So I figure I gotta start this off by praising two movies that people with talent made. Creepshow and Creepshow 2 are very well done films. I've always really liked anthology horror movies man. You always got at least one stand out story. I mean in about 99% of them you did. Anyway Creepshow had George A Romero and Steven King doing a love letter to the old EC Comics of the 1950s. I believe Creepshow 2 had one story written by King and George A Romero was a producer on it. I would actually check to see if that were true if this were a review of Creepshow 2 because that's a movie that deserves effort put into a review. Creepshow 3 deserves a fucking kick to the gonads.

Creepshow 3 was made by some people that George A. Romero apparently knew. They ran Taurus Movies or some shitty fucking Movie company. He just let them use Day of the Dead and Creepshow. Yes, these are the same people who made Day of the Dead 2: Contagion which I haven't seen but after seeing this I am putting that off for a very long time. I don't believe this is true because the only way anyone ever would let these talentless stupid assholes have the okay to do movies this bad is if they had pictures of you beating an busload of nuns, orphans, kittens, and puppies with your bare hands. I don't want to think that Georgie did something like that but man it's the only way I can see how anyone would let these fuckers do this.

You see this shitty fucking garbage up there. Yes, that's the animated sequence in Creepshow 3. Yes, that crude horse shit done by someone who has never used a computer before and was probably done in 15 minutes before they had to edit the whole movie together. It's the ugliest fucking animation I've ever seen. Clutch Cargo gets to make fun of these people. That's not something that should be able to be ever typed but it is. This movie makes that shit look like it was animated by Disney or some shit. Now I'll talk about all five stories and why they are shitty garbage because I want to yell at this movie for the longest time.

Story 1:  This story is about the bitchest bitch that ever bitched. It's literally the only thing any human being will be thinking of when watching this story. You can be a 98 year old Grandma who hates cursing with all her heart and the only thing you will think after this story is "FUCK HER". She is annoying as fuck. Her dad gets some kind of universal remote and it causes all kinds of havoc. At the end this guy everyone calls the Professor turns her into a rabbit. I think he might have created the universal remote but I don't give a shit. This story is meandering and pointless.

Story 2: This story is about an evil radio that causes some poor schmuck to become an evil murderer. He kills like two people AFTER stealing tons of money. It turns out that some black pimp also has a evil radio that he uses to kill this guy and the "ho" he was running away with. She was running away from him.    

Story 3: A Lady of the Night likes to kill people. A man is a monster who eats people. The monster man eats the Call Girl Killer. That's it. That's the story. They don't team up or anything. She just gets killed by him.

Story 4: This is the movies best story. Not that I'm saying it's good. No it's fucking shit coming out of my dickhole. I'm just saying it's probably the best because it's about the Professor guy. He and his wife are literally the only two actors who seem to be having any kind of fun with their roles and have ANY kind of acting talent. Not saying they are amazing actors that YOU have to see perform or anything but they at least seemed to be the only people who cared about anything within this damn shit movie. This story has two stupid assholes think the Professor has created a robotic woman whos hes gonna marry because she doesn't remember how they met and acts weird. Yeah they end up killing her in a scene that I think was supposed to be darkly humorous but just ended up being annoying.  

Story 5: This was the worst fucking story in the movie. Holy shit did they save the worst for the last. A doctor whos a sexist, racist dirt fucker of a human being gives a homeless man a dirty hot dog that he ends up eating and dying. That's why they called the story Haunted Dog. Yes. Wonderful. This guy is a terrible actor but not even Laurence Olivier could make you want to not punch this guy. He acts like a complete shit bag to a teenager girl with cancer. Like holy shit was that scene hard as fuck to watch. Fucking hell. You think the ghost of the homeless man was going to make him care about people or something. Like a horror film A Christmas Carol or something. You'd think that but he just randomly dies out of nowhere. All of these stories end randomly. It's really bad.

Ending: The Professor guy gets a voodoo book and brings his fiancé back from the dead. That poor woman was cut up in to seventy trillion little bits and he should probably just let her rest in peace. Oh and the woman from Story 1 is going insane because no one believes her when she talks about her daughter Alice. Also the fucking Creeper sells hot dogs now or some shit. Fucking hell.

This movie is a turd. Not a regular turd, but one of those really gross disgusting turds that scare you into calling a doctor. It's got food in it that you haven't eaten in months and some parts of it are black and red and all colors you don't want a turd to be. It also looks weirdly misshapen. That's the kind of turd this movie is.

FINAL VERDICT: The worst thing I've reviewed for this blog. It literally made me angry watching it but I have to give credit for one thing, stories all took place in the same town. One character from Story 2 would be in Story 3. That was a neat idea but I don't think they really did the execution of said idea all that well (does that surprise you? It shouldn't.) This is an ugly awful annoying movie that no one ever should watch. If you watch this movie I will kick you in the head. I don't care who you are. Do not watch this steaming pile of fuck.